TOP 10 CHRISTMAS DIXON FAMILY CHRISTMAS REUNION MEMORIES

10. All I Want For Christmas (Is 50%)

Uncle Carl announces his impending divorce from Aunt Irene during the Dirty Santa gift exchange, stating that he "couldn't imagine a dirtier gift."

9. Deck the Halls With Boughs of Bail Bonds

Cousin Buckshot is served a warrant for aggravated assault stemming from an altercation with the "sunuvabitch at the co-op" who tried to "scam [his] ass on some hog feed."

8. Feline Navidad

Aunt Louise insists on including the eight feral cats she's "been feedin' the last two months" in the Dixon Family Christmas Photo. Ensuing chaos includes: three individual ER visits, two rabies vaccination rounds, and a blurry photo of the top half of Aunt Louise's head.

7. Grandma Got Ran Over (By A 1952 International Tractor)

Mamaw Taylor sustains injuries after mistaking Papaw Taylor's tractor for a "hunk of rust" when, in fact, said Papaw had successfully restored the engine to working order. Injuries include: broken ankle and Mamaw Taylor living with us for two months.

6. Slay Ride

Cousin TJ is chosen as that year's hayride driver. Ensuing chaos includes: one blown engine, one dead opossum, and thirteen crying elementary-aged children for the duration of the Dixon Family Christmas Reunion.

5. It's the Meth Wonderful Time of the Year

Cousin Stacey arrives two hours late to the Dixon Family Christmas Gift Exchange, bearing gifts wrapped in plastic wrap. Gifts include: one partial 2004 Chicago Cubs baseball card collection, two shower curtain rods, one broken Microsoft Zune (that "just needs a little TLC"), one unscratched Louisiana Lottery scratch card, one Bailey's Irish Cream Mini (later ungifted), and a VHS copy of Hard Target featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

4. Let It Blow, Let It Blow, Let It Blow

Uncle Chuck gives the gift of Tannerite to the Dixon Family Christmas Reunion by blowing up last year's artificial tree (along with the current year's tomato plant crop).

3. Oh Come All Ye Convicts

Papaw Dixon celebrates the long awaited reunion of all previously incarcerated family members by demanding a photo including homemade shirts featuring a cartoon Santa wearing an orange jumper (w/inmate number). Included in photo: one grandparent, three uncles, one aunt, and four cousins.

2. Whose Child Is This?

Conflict arises when Cousin Brandi consumes several egg nogs and suggests that Little Cousin Trevor may or may not be the biological heir of her current boyfriend, Ray. Ensuing chaos includes: multiple Google searches for "paternity testing places near me," "child support laws Louisiana," "23 and me membership promo code," and a disappointing midnight drive to Yo-Yo's Package Store in the hopes that they'll be open on Christmas Eve.

1. I'll Be Under House Arrest For Christmas

Due to a recent conviction for assault/battery, resisting arrest, and possession with intent to distribute, Uncle Pete joins the Dixon Family Christmas Reunion via FaceTime with the assistance of his new wife Charmaine (or Candy). Both are unskilled in the technological savvy required for said task. This results in multiple accusations of sabotage on behalf of each spouse, multiple expressions of dissatisfaction with the Biden administration, a curse upon the local internet service provider, and a compromise of conflict between the two which involves the first fifteen seconds of which is presumed to be romantic/sexual in nature. It is difficult to draw a conclusion based upon the position of their phone's camera which continues to broadcast their activities to the entire Dixon family before my father courageously ends the call.