Exposed

Those walls were not easy to build,

I needed them so I could heal.

It took years and all of my strength,

exhausted and scared I thought I would break.

My fortress kept me safe,

protected me from love's cruel fate.

The danger would circle but found no way in,

I was immune to temptation and bait.

In an instant you were before me.

Eyes deep, and smile bright.

Your energy stable and grounding,

your voice steady and light.

Your words crashed like a wave,

and my fortress began to crumble.

I tried to hold the pieces up,

with one touch they became rubble.

It felt good in that destruction,

masquerading as wholesome and sweet.

Adrenaline and passion,

reminding my heart to beat.

Hiding behind stable and genuine,

giving me the safety to breathe.

The practical, simple, and steady,

held me tight containing me.

Then the reality of truth snuck in,

and I was suddenly betrayed.

We both were fooled when that day came,

it’s not you or I to blame.

Both of us believed in the fairytale.

We thought what we had could sustain.

Now we both are grieving a loss,

though separate we share the same pain.

Only the two of us,

will ever really know,

what it was like to have each other,

and how hard it is to let go.

Only the two of us,

know just how it felt,

wrapped up within each other.

From two to one our souls would melt.

Only the two of us,

as we pretend, enchant, and charm,

recognize the painful void,

when wrapped in another's arms.

The woman I am deep inside,

fell in love with the man within.

The man we both loved and respected,

until the pain took over him.

I saw you losing footing,

and like a coward I ran and hid,

too scared to stand and fight with you,

Triggered by fear of breaking again.

I guess we both have work to do,

if we want that feeling once more.

The way it felt belonging to you,

is the standard I’m searching for.

Beautifully tragic,

tragically sweet,

the pain taught me a lesson,

so there is no defeat.

Yet it left me with a problem,

and a solution there doesn’t seem to be.

Like a mole tossed in the sunlight,

I'm now vulnerable and can’t see.

I was safe there in my fortress,

before you set me free.

My heart closed and protected,

hard lines holding tight the key.

Then here you came with all your colors,

those hard lines, they swirled and bloomed.

Then you left me in the shadows,

grey, exposed, and so confused.

I didn't want that kind of love,

until you got me addicted.

Now I chased it like a drug,

selling my soul just to get it.

I can't rebuild walls fast enough.

To be honest, I don't try.

My mind knows what I want I can’t have,

But my heart is eager to believe a lie.

I'm drowning in a sea,

of a world I don't belong in,

filled with predators who see me,

as a product to consume from.

My heart, it matters little.

My soul, they think it's cute.

They keep me fed and warm my bed,

but tomorrow I can't depend on.

It's a dangerous life I'm living,

even for one cut out for it.

For someone like me, its extra risky,

I have no defense against it.

We wanted the same thing,

for what we felt to be so real.

For us to stay the way we were,

Have a love no one could steal.

Now we know what it feels like,

and we have a good reason to try.

Motivation to look at the hard stuff,

to be honest, open hearts, open minds.

The truth is it’s too late for us,

though it’s a truth my heart will deny.

My mind it’s hardly strong enough,

alone to hold this line.

I thank the universe,

for stepping in each time.

I thank you also for showing me,

the truth and reasons why.

Each time I’m at my breaking point,

your messages come through.

Reminding me how dangerous it is,

loving a man like you.

Like the choice between uppers and downers,

I honestly don’t know what’s worse.

Which will destroy me faster,

staying gone or if I return.

This world out here will eat me alive,

it's consuming me quickly and taking my life.

“At least I know what I’m risking”,

doesn't keep me safe at night.

Once again I could let us both lie,

to each other and to ourselves.

I could set us up for disaster,

one I know I can never survive.

Caught between crushing reality,

And rose-colored glasses of lies.

I’m keeping pace with borrowed time,

this is all that remains of my life.