Hidden Treasure
Too busy to stop and too busy to see,
too busy giving sweetly packaged pieces of me.
I looked up be it brief what I saw destroyed me.
The brass ring jingled painfully the sounds made unearthly.
The reflection, who is she?
Nobody mentioned.
Has she always been there?
I had a vague recollection.
Then I was falling fast out of my mind.
Where were the hands I held all my life?
Nobody there, those mortals I trusted.
Not just backed away but becoming the culprits.
The reflection reached out, glittering light.
Through the terror and anguish I could still see her shine.
Again I was falling down impossible depths.
There is nothing lower, not in life, not in death.
Like Alice through the looking glass,
how could I say goodbye?
It all mattered so much,
so I tried and I tried.
Watching it all spinning away and away,
seeing parts of me in all I had given away.
My mind stilled and I knew,
I had nothing left in me to help me through.
I held nothing back and got nothing returned.
The last of me was tattered and burned.
The last of me was gone long ago,
feeding the needs of those who needed me so.
They left when they realized what they had done.
Nothing left in me useful, time to move on.
Landing in this upside-down place terrified and confused.
Creatures knew my name, none of them I knew.
I couldn’t trust anything in this world without shape.
I curled up in a pitiful void, my sorrow my cape.
I cried silver butterflies and orange dragons with ropes.
My tears fell into seeds growing owls and wolves.
They grew loud and hungry in the void of my pain.
Terror and weakness grew as they raged.
I lay there for lifetimes of seconds and breaths.
Years into minutes I wept and I wept.
My mind raced and spun searching for the cure.
The moments she stood there my mind was empty and pure.
I would think of that nobody of light not worth mention.
The dragons stood guard with butterflies on there noses.
The owls crying tears big as mirrors to mask me.
Those tears with reflections materializing her with me.
I’d see her there shimmering in fantastic form.
Hiding in the void now wrapped in her arms.
I'd look to the dragons realizing anew,
how lost I was now in this world beyond truth.
I'd forget beautiful nobody again and again.
Sliding fast to delirium, falling back out of my head.
Emerging she’d creep between claw and buzzing wing.
First random, then often, then an everyday thing.
Years had gone by still she came everyday.
One day I bravely didn't push her away.
I held out my hand her face showed delight.
She took me by the hand we emerged into bright.
She held me steady while I looked around.
Eyes adjusting to the new reality I found.
I looked back again to my magical friend.
Laughing at my expression, awareness set in.
Reaching out I touched the cool glass I stared in.
Twirling around she glittered so free.
I felt the air around me as I twirled,
keeping pace…with me?
My laugh grew louder,
myself time to be.
She was me; I was her, the magical nobody.
Staying hidden behind the masks I would go by.
This time with no hiding she was visible and bright.
I realized with horror, I was hiding from my own light!
I wasn’t protecting myself from the monsters!
I was only protecting the pain that I fostered!
No, she laughed again, you gave you away without any care.
You’d have given them me too, you were so unaware.
Instead your pain saved me, kept me hidden and safe.
Now you understand and it’s a glorious day.
Now I am safe with you, full of trust and full of love.
I'd never give you away, you are a gift from above!
Myself, I remarked,
quickly grasping the point.
Your quiet genius you know that?
Her curtsy making me laugh.
You knew they would never let me be free,
if the light of you, sill flickered through me.
Safe then, in our dark despair. Who wants that?
We weren’t worth their care!
The light not put out, but carefully tended,
allowed only to burn as a tiny hot ember.
For staying hidden back then was the only way through.
Hiding my light is what led me to you.
If This is You
Thanks for calling,
I’ll call you back.
Leave a message,
and all of that.
You know what to do.
Unless that is, this is you.
If this is you,
I guess you forgot.
You walked away,
I'm not what you want.
I know sometimes,
when the phone wont ring,
when the bar’s a bust,
the usual's busy.
When the one in your arms,
doesn't hit the spot.
When she talks too much,
and her name you forgot.
You might miss the feel,
of my silky touch,
my big brown eyes,
saying your enough.
The feeling you get,
with my head on your chest,
and you hear me sigh,
sounding so content.
The love that was yours,
until you left again.
Leaving me to remember,
again who I am.
If this is you,
I’m no more your fool.
Don’t say a word,
this game is cruel.
Delete my number,
erase that text.
Cross off my name,
move on to the next.
If this is you,
check to see,
did you dial wrong?
Did you mean to call me?
You're here and there,
and everywhere.
I can’t keep up,
I no longer care.
One day you hate me,
the next I’m baby.
I’m off this ride,
I left the crazy.
If dreams and wishes,
could turn things real.
I would have wished,
your love was real.
Today you miss me,
tomorrow you won't.
Next time you think of me,
put down the phone.
If this is you,
don't call me now.
I’ve let go,
you taught me how.
If this is you,
we’ve said our goodbyes,
I’m moving forward,
I left us behind.
If this is you,
I have nothing left to say,
nothing left to hear,
Move on with your day.
Because
Because my foolish heart
can’t understand.
My eyes they see,
but can’t comprehend.
How the man that looks like you,
sounds like you, and feels like you,
isn’t the same man that for me,
once stopped time.
Who shut down the chaos,
and ordered my mind.
That patiently accepted the parts in me
I was told that I should hide.
The man that cooled
the volcano in my soul.
Who kept on returning,
giving me hope.
Who steady and calmly
encouraged my dreams.
Who respected and valued
the perspective I’d bring.
The man who’d show up
soaking wet at my door.
Before the sun rose
in the middle of a storm.
Just to spend an hour
holding me while I slept.
Leaving me cookies and coffee
as off to work he went.
I’d roll over and settle into
the warm space left in the bed.
Feeling for the first time,
my starving soul finally fed.
My mind rages against
the truth that you show.
Because if that was all a lie,
then there is truly no hope.
I Wonder
I wonder how many past lifetimes,
I cried your name with my last breath.
I wonder were there any lifetimes,
my conscience held your death.
I wonder what tragic soul lesson,
so difficult for us to grasp,
that keeps us cursed to suffer so much,
each time our souls hit land.
I wonder how close we came this time,
or how far we may have slid back.
It seems that the two of us have failed,
no victory to brag.
I wonder who will be our heroes,
I wonder what forms they will take.
I wonder if we’d recognize them,
wonder if us they’d hate.
I wonder if between us there's peace,
floating through dimensions unseen.
I wonder if we forgive ourselves,
for our earthly misdeeds.
I wonder when we will meet again,
I wonder on earth will it be.
Goodbye for now my souls other half,
until, again, we meet.
2am
It’s 2am
The bars are closed.
I think if you were alone,
you would have called.
You try to drown it.
You try to numb it.
You try to distract by any means from it.
Did you get high enough this time?
Drunk enough to get me off your mind?
Does she hold your attention
fixed?
Does her mouth on your skin,
make my name easy to forget?
You feel the pull, its in your soul.
Even death that ache won't dull.
It’s 2am
I’ve been crying but I’m alright,
my heart gushing pain that screams lost in the night.
I’ve been crying but I’m alright,
my heart gushing pain hat screams lost in the night.
It’s 2am
Another's arms might hold you tight.
Your body, your mind,
she may have on this night.
But your heart and your soul,
for now still are mine.
A connection that transcends
this world of our eyes.
It’s 2am
Ironic I laugh.
Your choices make you weak,
your need for me growing so fast.
My choices make me strong,
my need for you growing weak.
It won't be long now before it’s you,
crying tears and loosing sleep.
It won't be long at all,
before I’m healthy and strong.
That day you will come running,
sensing our connection now gone.
That day you’ll be lost.
That day I’ll be saved.
The time that could have been,
having slipped painfully away.
It’s 2am
Who is She?
Who is she?
The one who wears ridiculously
large hoop earrings.
The one who left her size 8 shoes
in the backseat of your truck?
The one that sat beside you,
while I sat all alone.
The one you were telling your dreams to,
when I couldn’t reach you on the phone.
Who is she?
Do you tell her that you love her?
Do you look her in her eyes?
Do you hold her like you hold me?
Do you feed her the same lines?
Does she cry for you when you're with me?
Call you desperately on the phone?
Is she the one you always run to?
When you leave me for the unknown?
Who is she?
The one you felt so close with,
that you confided everything to.
The most sacred private parts of us,
now just a private joke between you two.
The most intimate parts of me,
that I saved only for loving you.
You gave away to some other girl,
I guess she must mean more than I to you.
Who is she?
Does she think that she is special?
That I was just a fling?
Did you tell her I’m pathetic?
That I didn’t mean a thing?
Or did you tell her that you broke me.
That you were mean, heartless and cruel.
Do you tell her that you loved me most,
or do you tell that girl the truth?
Who is she?
The one that has you vaping.
Is she why all your money is gone?
Was she worth all of the tears I cried?
Hurting the one that was here all along?
Was that broken truck her great idea?
Are you really such a fool?
You let her waste more than your money,
it seems she spent your soul.
Who is she?
Do you tell her that she’s pretty,
sexy and that she’s the one?
Do you tell her that she’s the smartest girl,
as you look at her with love?
Does she do everything right?
You made it clear I was always wrong.
Do you keep her up arguing all night?
About thoughts that suddenly your rage ignites?
Who is she?
Did you leave her? Or did she leave you?
Do you even really care?
How many of us are there?
That you leave in such despair?
Her toiletries mixed in with yours,
tell me you shared more than just a ride.
Yet you say you were with no one,
Looks like I’m only worth a lie.
Who is she?
If You Love Me
If you love me,
don’t say those words.
The love others have given me,
tore apart my world.
The wishing I could die,
the nights filled with tears,
all started with those magical,
three little words.
If you love me truly,
don’t say a word.
Show me daily,
what you feel I deserve.
If my smile hasn’t faded,
If my dreams remain uncrushed.
If I die your hand in mine,
my head on your chest.
Only then I will here you,
Your "I love you" won’t make me run.
My definition reformed.
Proof at last not undone.
You still need not say a thing,
If that day ever gets here.
Everything you never said,
will be my melody eternal.
Exposed
Those walls were not easy to build,
I needed them so I could heal.
It took years and all of my strength,
exhausted and scared I thought I would break.
My fortress kept me safe,
protected me from love's cruel fate.
The danger would circle but found no way in,
I was immune to temptation and bait.
In an instant you were before me.
Eyes deep, and smile bright.
Your energy stable and grounding,
your voice steady and light.
Your words crashed like a wave,
and my fortress began to crumble.
I tried to hold the pieces up,
with one touch they became rubble.
It felt good in that destruction,
masquerading as wholesome and sweet.
Adrenaline and passion,
reminding my heart to beat.
Hiding behind stable and genuine,
giving me the safety to breathe.
The practical, simple, and steady,
held me tight containing me.
Then the reality of truth snuck in,
and I was suddenly betrayed.
We both were fooled when that day came,
it’s not you or I to blame.
Both of us believed in the fairytale.
We thought what we had could sustain.
Now we both are grieving a loss,
though separate we share the same pain.
Only the two of us,
will ever really know,
what it was like to have each other,
and how hard it is to let go.
Only the two of us,
know just how it felt,
wrapped up within each other.
From two to one our souls would melt.
Only the two of us,
as we pretend, enchant, and charm,
recognize the painful void,
when wrapped in another's arms.
The woman I am deep inside,
fell in love with the man within.
The man we both loved and respected,
until the pain took over him.
I saw you losing footing,
and like a coward I ran and hid,
too scared to stand and fight with you,
Triggered by fear of breaking again.
I guess we both have work to do,
if we want that feeling once more.
The way it felt belonging to you,
is the standard I’m searching for.
Beautifully tragic,
tragically sweet,
the pain taught me a lesson,
so there is no defeat.
Yet it left me with a problem,
and a solution there doesn’t seem to be.
Like a mole tossed in the sunlight,
I'm now vulnerable and can’t see.
I was safe there in my fortress,
before you set me free.
My heart closed and protected,
hard lines holding tight the key.
Then here you came with all your colors,
those hard lines, they swirled and bloomed.
Then you left me in the shadows,
grey, exposed, and so confused.
I didn't want that kind of love,
until you got me addicted.
Now I chased it like a drug,
selling my soul just to get it.
I can't rebuild walls fast enough.
To be honest, I don't try.
My mind knows what I want I can’t have,
But my heart is eager to believe a lie.
I'm drowning in a sea,
of a world I don't belong in,
filled with predators who see me,
as a product to consume from.
My heart, it matters little.
My soul, they think it's cute.
They keep me fed and warm my bed,
but tomorrow I can't depend on.
It's a dangerous life I'm living,
even for one cut out for it.
For someone like me, its extra risky,
I have no defense against it.
We wanted the same thing,
for what we felt to be so real.
For us to stay the way we were,
Have a love no one could steal.
Now we know what it feels like,
and we have a good reason to try.
Motivation to look at the hard stuff,
to be honest, open hearts, open minds.
The truth is it’s too late for us,
though it’s a truth my heart will deny.
My mind it’s hardly strong enough,
alone to hold this line.
I thank the universe,
for stepping in each time.
I thank you also for showing me,
the truth and reasons why.
Each time I’m at my breaking point,
your messages come through.
Reminding me how dangerous it is,
loving a man like you.
Like the choice between uppers and downers,
I honestly don’t know what’s worse.
Which will destroy me faster,
staying gone or if I return.
This world out here will eat me alive,
it's consuming me quickly and taking my life.
“At least I know what I’m risking”,
doesn't keep me safe at night.
Once again I could let us both lie,
to each other and to ourselves.
I could set us up for disaster,
one I know I can never survive.
Caught between crushing reality,
And rose-colored glasses of lies.
I’m keeping pace with borrowed time,
this is all that remains of my life.
Return
Falling,
spinning,
down,
down.
Darkness muffles,
voices yell.
Relief at finally letting go.
Heavy the weight,
overwhelming to hold.
The tears remember,
the path down my face.
They tickle as the night air,
cools the damp trails.
The hollow in my chest,
an old friend.
Since a small child,
that emptiness held me.
Always there,
my stable dim light.
I fought and clawed,
my way out of its depth.
Abandoned,
rejection repays its loyalty.
It welcomed me back to the void.
The prodigal child returns home.
My body skips not a beat.
Settling into old safe sad routines.
My grand plans all set aside,
Returning to thoughts of oblivion.
Dropping my armor,
arms up in defeat.
Inviting the end to take me.