The Misfit Mystic

I’ll never understand. Millions of logical, rational, well-educated men and women with high power jobs and multiple degrees, believe that every Sunday wine turns to blood and worship a God that was a man that rose from the dead as they chant incarnations with candles and incense.. Yet those very same people roll their eyes when you bring up yoga or chakras. Yoga, and chakras, just two examples of ancient “mystic” practices that scientific data has proven legitimate in multiple accredited studies by some of the top research schools in the nation. The names of those schools printed on many of the degrees that do little more than collect dust on the walls in their offices. I try not to look condescending as they tell me they are followers of science and not silly hippy woo-woo stuff. I don’t think I will ever understand how such educated people can be so unaware of their own contradictions, their own hypocrisy.  That isn’t to say that I don’t have my own contradictions and hypocrisy. I am nothing but contradictions if you ask me. We all have them, every last one of us. It just so happens that of this affliction, some of us are already aware.

I live in a movie; I have my whole life. No matter what I am doing, there are cameras there, invisible though they may be. Now I’ve never been paranoid about this. I have never considered there may be people watching me, or some big conspiracy to invade my privacy. I did used to be curious, but I was quite young when I realized it isn’t people watching me, nothing like that. It’s the entire universe tuned in to my every move. Creation itself is on the edge of its seat every morning wondering just what I’ll do next. In this I don’t feel alone. I think this is true for all of us. I just happen to be aware of it. Many call this awareness I have, this knowing of things a gift. In some ways perhaps it is. If I’m being honest though, which I have trouble being anything less, I don’t feel like it’s a gift most of the time. It’s often an uncomfortable burden I wish I could give back. Why must I know things I can't change? Why do I need to understand things that are so beyond my control? Well, that’s the kicker. The universe (or whatever you choose to call the great other that is not us) is not a fool. There is no reason to give all this insight to someone who can do nothing useful about it. The only logical and rational explanation given for that truth is this. I do have power. I do have the ability to use this information to make changes. They just may not be the changes I want to make. I can’t prevent a death, but I can with absolute certainty know what has become of the soul that has left, and comfort loved ones accordingly. I would be far less useful in these moments if I was guessing, hoping, or unsure. Doubt is not comforting. But knowing can be.

My life didn’t turn out with the white picket fence and blue-eyed husband that adored me I used to dream of as a little girl. Far from it. I am not here for comfort. I am here for purpose. A messenger from God. An ambassador for the universe. A translator of energy. I don’t fit well in this world. It’s far too harsh for my delicate constitution and sensitivities.  I manage despite it all. My trials seem extreme, unreal and sometimes comical to some. When I say it’s not easy to be me, they don’t realize how deep the sentiment goes. I never dreamed as a child that this would be my life. As I spent countless hours collecting rocks and creating alters in the fields next to my house or trying various rituals and sequences that I would make up trying to unlock some great power I felt I had within. I thought by now I would have figured it all out. At 8 years old I thought I was only moments away from discovering the key that would unlock it all for me. Now here I sit at 45 in a cheap hotel room, homeless and alone after pouring everything in me into everyone and everything I believed worthy and good. Was I wrong? Was it all some grand delusion or mental illness that took me down this path. Maybe by the world's standards it is. The world isn’t in charge though, the understanding of human minds is faulty and limited. If I were to judge my life and my success by worldly measures, I would be a complete failure. Lucky for me, I know better.  That particular knowledge is most certainly a gift.