The Knowing

There was a Knowing inside my heart my mind just could not bear.

So I took this Knowing from my mind and I shoved it down the stairs.

Into my body, this Knowing went, I couldn’t keep it near.

It must go down into some place where I couldn’t feel the fear.

I found a room inside myself that I thought would surely do,

I boxed it up and left it there, this Knowing and I were through.

I climbed the stairs away from there, with ever quickening steps.

Surely this would fix everything, the secret must be kept.

Time went on, I made a choice, determined to be free.

Do this, do that, keep moving now, keep trying to achieve.

It worked I guess, this plan of mine, I did some wonderful things.

But nothing calmed the edginess, the constant anxious sting.

The years passed by and I fought hard to manage everything.

And wondered at the anxiousness that quietly haunted me.

It seemed to grow, I’m not sure why, as life continued on.

The burden growing heavier, the feeling something was wrong.

The Knowing was the hidden piece, the dark root of all the pain.

The anxious feelings rising up from that place down deep within.

It was the Knowing that I needed, to uncover the old truth.

But how could I remember what I’d buried in my youth?

I stumbled on that room one day, while digging through some stuff

The door I’d closed long ago, when I was still so very young.

The steps were dark, the room was small, the box a lumpy thing.

But when I stepped onto that stair, it shifted everything.

I felt a click inside my bones, as truth came rushing back.

The Knowing that I'd pushed away; the darkness of my past.

Despair and joy they warred in me, how could I not have known?

This Knowing that had shaken me, that I wanted to disown.

I thought the Knowing would ruin me, shatter me to my core.

Instead the Knowing brought me life, it has opened so much more.

Yes, this pain is hard to bear, and grief goes very deep.

There are days I struggle through, when I can barely sleep.

But I found a truth I did not expect, waiting in that hell.

The secret behind the anxiousness and fear that I had felt.

It wasn’t just the Knowing there in the box from long ago

There was a piece of her as well, the little girl I was.

Part of her had huddled there, not knowing those times had passed.

The horrors that had hurt her so, they no longer had to last.

Together we are setting her free; we’ve burned the box to ash.

Only through the Knowing can we find freedom from the past.