Pieces

I rarely feel confident in something, rarely have a clear focused vision of myself. I am at every point overthinking my every action and word. All because of a boy. A boy I once loved more than anything in the world, more than sleep, more than food, more than all the stars in the galaxy. A boy that took a lot of my firsts, although he didn't so much as take them as I gave them. A boy who had walked miles in the cold to meet me on my back porch and talk with me, flirt with me, hug me. The same boy who stayed on the phone with me while we slept at night. I find it very hard to believe that the same boy also ripped my heart into pieces like it was a 1000 piece puzzle, but here I am aren't I? The two pieces of that puzzle I'm having the most trouble fitting together? "You are the first person I have truly loved," and "I don't think I can ever really be in a relationship and be happy." Yeah I know, I can't be upset that someone does not want a relationship with me, and I'm not. What breaks my heart, is that you still chased me after this, still let me hope, flirted and charmed me like everything was normal. Then after that? You ghost me, leaving me high and dry. Repeated this a couple times and eventually I just gave up on you. And you let me, like I was never important enough to you for it to be a hardship on you. So these puzzle pieces don't fit, and all I wanna know now is: "Did you mean it?"