Hard Truths

A stony heart refuses to concede to say the words formulating in my mind like a snowglobe being shaken into a flurry of torn love notes and shredded photographs. The scene ended long ago and the curtain closed yet demands for encores keep regurgitating feelings that I just wish would make sense. None of it does, from meeting you to you leaving agan, and again, and again (and one more time for good measure). Perhaps these come up as God's way of telling one of us that there is some unfinished business holding us back. Since I'm the only one talking, I guess it's me that needs to keep learning.

The thing is it's not like I'm not trying to learn and move on. Not in the "just get under another" way either. I mean, I'm not the same fifteen year old kid getting with bad men just because I know it'll spite someone who convinced me whatever we were doing was love. I'm sure I told you, during the drunken nights we'd spend talking, all about my exploits as the coveted "other woman" who shot herself in the foot like your old friend shot what's-her-face. You seemed so enthralled by my life that felt so bland in comparison to you, a gangbanger who played football and rapped and made thousands and literally left it all to hide in a war-torn country.

I hardly think of you now. I mean, you are in the back of my mind I guess since you still come up so easily whenever the opportunity arises. Just look at this piece that's another plea for the memory of you to stop haunting me so I can move on. I don't want to lose what you taught me in many ways but I want it to fade. I want to not compare what we had to what I have now or what I'll have later in life. Since you are clearly not what God intended for me, or are currently pulling a goddamn Jonah and hiding at the bottom of a sinking ship acting like you're not endangering everyone around you by not listening, I need to make a move and sever the tie between us before these memories make me drown.

You were a lesson in love, sure. A lesson that a person can dominate me without terrifying me. A lesson that a person can love me wholly and completely if I just let them. I guess just like you're more emotionally open, I'm more physically open. There's no way I would have gone on my first date or had my first adult kiss or lost my virginity had I not met you. I would have never gone on a limb and tried something new if I was unable to see what life feels like when I stop trying to plan it and anticipate what will happen next. I mean, you were predictable, sure, but your predictability was because I had jumped into the unknown and allowed myself to be fully curious and intrigued by someone, not as a romantic interest but as a person. I got to learn you and see how smart I was and remember how fun it was to learn someone and watch their reaction to having someone genuinely try and succeed to get to know them. Maybe it overwhelmed you... I've honestly given up on knowing the end. Though I still write these, I move on too. It's like telling the story again of a scar instead of reliving when the blade entered my skin and the adrenaline raced and the blood poured and all the pain surged through my body and paralyzed me.

The person I am with now challenges me by being the opposite of you in all the ways that count. He confuses me by being an enigma of emotion that I cannot crack. Though I unwilling trust that he likes me, I have to test the limits of my emotional endurance and my social anxiety every time we talk. The swarm of thoughts that this man forces me to feel and have is irritatingly exciting, and make even writing to you feel silly now because you clearly won't come back. One day, I will accept that perhaps I am not the one who needs to take the bait and explain myself for what happened between us. One day, I will take myself by the hands, look myself in the eyes, and tell myself that losing the first man that seemed to genuinely love me was not my fault. One day, I will be able to separate first love and only love and move to whatever is next. Probably cracking the Rubik's cube of a human that I am with now.

I usually end these with the typical goodbye or that I miss you and I honestly I don't know how to end this one. I guess it'll just end.