It still hurts, I still cry

April 10, 2009

My Granny (my grandmother’s mum)

She was very old when I was a kid

She walked with a walker

And she couldn’t do much

Whenever we went to my grandmother’s house

She was always sitting in her chair

It was her chair

But you weren’t allowed to do anything

Until you saw her first

First,

you give her a hug and say hello

Next,

she would ask you how your week went

Then,

You would sit at her knees as she prays for you to have a good week and for protection

Finally,

She would give you a wet kiss on the cheek (I always hated this part)

But that was the routine every single time we went to my grandmother’s house

Until one day

She went from sitting in her chair

To laying in her bed

Then it was the same routine but from her bed

Until one day it stopped

She was really weak

And week after week

You can see her getting weaker

The smell her organs slowly shutting down filled the apartment

I remember one day the paramedics came to my grandmother’s house because my granny couldn’t poop on her own

I remember the smell of death that day

April 10, 2009

My father got a call from my grandmother that my granny was in the hospital

Me, my parents and my brothers all got into our car and drove an hour to the hospital

When we arrived to her hospital room

My grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins were there too

she had a bunch of tubes in her

And she had that smell on her again

The smell of death

We knew she wasn’t going to make it

I remember my grandmother crying so hard she couldn’t walk

And all I told myself was to stay strong, don’t cry

Because if I did it would make the situation worse

The line went flat

No more “how was your week?”

No more prayers

No more gross wet kisses

No more granny

I was 9 when she died

I still didn’t cry

Until I was 14

I broke down crying in my parents room after writing a page in my notebook about her

14 years later

It still hurts

I still cry

When I remember her sometimes

And I still don’t know why