What nobody told me about panic attacks
I remember my first panic attack
I was 17
It was senior class picture day
All the seniors pilled up in the gym
Squished together on the bleachers
Like a can of sardines
40 minutes went by
Waiting for the photographer that never came
We were dismissed to go back to our classes
I walk out to the gym lobby
And everything started to slow down
Everyone was moving in slow motion
And their voices sound muffled
My hands started shaking
My heart started racing
And I couldn’t breath
I needed to escape but my feet wouldn’t let me
I had no clue what was happening to me
I went to the doctor a few days later
Because the shaking never stopped
The doctor said I had a panic attack
And gave me a list of psychologists
I looked up some stuff about it too
But what nobody told me about panic attacks was
How they didn’t stop
How walking through the same halls I’ve walked through for the passes four years
Seemed scary and overwhelming
What nobody told me about panic attacks was
How difficult doing my everyday things became
How going to the grocery store alone made my heart race
Carrying around a small stuff toy
To calm my nerves and keep my shaking at bay
What nobody told me about panic attacks was
The throbbing pain I would be in when I finally relaxed
From shaking all day
Or how difficult it would be to fall asleep
What nobody told me about panic attacks was
How long the process would take to feel okay
How long it would take to get used to the shaking
To get used to my heart racing
To get used to the fear of being outside by myself
What nobody told me about panic attacks was
How that moment
How that little thing
Would change my life forever
It still hurts, I still cry
April 10, 2009
My Granny (my grandmother’s mum)
She was very old when I was a kid
She walked with a walker
And she couldn’t do much
Whenever we went to my grandmother’s house
She was always sitting in her chair
It was her chair
But you weren’t allowed to do anything
Until you saw her first
First,
you give her a hug and say hello
Next,
she would ask you how your week went
Then,
You would sit at her knees as she prays for you to have a good week and for protection
Finally,
She would give you a wet kiss on the cheek (I always hated this part)
But that was the routine every single time we went to my grandmother’s house
Until one day
She went from sitting in her chair
To laying in her bed
Then it was the same routine but from her bed
Until one day it stopped
She was really weak
And week after week
You can see her getting weaker
The smell her organs slowly shutting down filled the apartment
I remember one day the paramedics came to my grandmother’s house because my granny couldn’t poop on her own
I remember the smell of death that day
April 10, 2009
My father got a call from my grandmother that my granny was in the hospital
Me, my parents and my brothers all got into our car and drove an hour to the hospital
When we arrived to her hospital room
My grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins were there too
she had a bunch of tubes in her
And she had that smell on her again
The smell of death
We knew she wasn’t going to make it
I remember my grandmother crying so hard she couldn’t walk
And all I told myself was to stay strong, don’t cry
Because if I did it would make the situation worse
The line went flat
No more “how was your week?”
No more prayers
No more gross wet kisses
No more granny
I was 9 when she died
I still didn’t cry
Until I was 14
I broke down crying in my parents room after writing a page in my notebook about her
14 years later
It still hurts
I still cry
When I remember her sometimes
And I still don’t know why