What nobody told me about panic attacks

I remember my first panic attack

I was 17

It was senior class picture day

All the seniors pilled up in the gym

Squished together on the bleachers

Like a can of sardines

40 minutes went by

Waiting for the photographer that never came

We were dismissed to go back to our classes

I walk out to the gym lobby

And everything started to slow down

Everyone was moving in slow motion

And their voices sound muffled

My hands started shaking

My heart started racing

And I couldn’t breath

I needed to escape but my feet wouldn’t let me

I had no clue what was happening to me

I went to the doctor a few days later

Because the shaking never stopped

The doctor said I had a panic attack

And gave me a list of psychologists

I looked up some stuff about it too

But what nobody told me about panic attacks was

How they didn’t stop

How walking through the same halls I’ve walked through for the passes four years

Seemed scary and overwhelming

What nobody told me about panic attacks was

How difficult doing my everyday things became

How going to the grocery store alone made my heart race

Carrying around a small stuff toy

To calm my nerves and keep my shaking at bay

What nobody told me about panic attacks was

The throbbing pain I would be in when I finally relaxed

From shaking all day

Or how difficult it would be to fall asleep

What nobody told me about panic attacks was

How long the process would take to feel okay

How long it would take to get used to the shaking

To get used to my heart racing

To get used to the fear of being outside by myself

What nobody told me about panic attacks was

How that moment

How that little thing

Would change my life forever