Airport pick ups
Why did you have to come into my life?
Wouldn't it have been easier on the both of us if we never met?
We met, we became friends. You became a wonderful friend to me - I had never experienced that thoughtfulness, that kindness, from someone who I didn't owe anything to. A couple of weeks ago I saw something online which said, true love is airport pick ups. God knows how many times you came to pick me up from the airport, how many times you dropped me off. I never asked.. you know how I am with asking for favours. But you never made me ask. Instead, you asked ME if you could come for me. You wanted to, you said. And you were always excited to, always happy to. God, your face when I came in November - remember when I couldn't see you at first and I was worried; because we had had an hour's delay and I had no way of letting you know? To be honest, I wouldn't have been surprised if you had left; it was a long time to wait. But oh no you did not go; you stayed patiently waiting in your car - then got out of it as I approached, so you could hold me in your arms in what turned out to be one of the best embraces I've ever been held in.
Your warm breath on my neck as you hugged me tightly, asking me how I am. I did not answer; because anything that I might have been feeling before was made alright in your arms. My goodness, your excitement whenever you saw me was palpable; I couldn't believe how anyone would be that happy to see someone else.
Except I could, in a way; because that's how I felt whenever I saw you.
But it was that same excitement that ruined us. Nothing that fiery can last for long; but the damage it's done to my head and heart is irreparable. I ask myself, wouldn't it have been easier on the both of us; on both our hearts and brains if we had never met?
Actually, I know it would have been easier for me. You came into my life and you brought so much colour, so much happiness - remember, you made me fall a bit more in love with life again? But when you left, you took that away with you. So now I am trying to find that same happiness, that same colour worth living for.. without you as an intervention. And I am struggling, it is so hard to do this alone; and I am not sure I really want to actually.
But where are you now? I am blind, I have no idea what you're thinking, I have no idea what you're doing. It's safe and sane to assume that you've moved on, I think in your heart of hearts you knew that I am not the person for you. This silence, this space, makes me doubt if we had the same experiences in our minds - was I as important to you as you were to me? Was I always there for you, or could I have done better? Did I make you as happy as you made me? Would it also have been better for you had we never met?
I hate my brain for not wanting to let go. Because letting go means forgetting, and I am not ready to do that yet.