Hey you, I miss you. I really, really miss you. If circumstances were different, I know we'd be talking every single day, especially this month. I've done this mission before; and now it's your turn. All the nights on the corniche, all the hibiscus and cinnamon tea. All the weddings you can hear at 4am; oh how I wish I could hear all about them from you. And I'd join in on your happiness; because I remember these things made me happy five years ago. I would have selfishly lived this experience through you, as you recount what the children did to you today and how many cockroaches you've seen so far. How are you finding it? I am glad you have a bed to sleep on rather than a mattress on the floor; and I am glad you have a genuine smile in all the photos I am seeing. Gosh, it's so good to see you that happy on the outside, but I pray you are just as happy on the inside. I pray that you don't find this mission too challenging, but I know the group and the children are lucky to have you. Hang in there; you (and hopefully we) will be talking about this experience incessantly in a couple of years time. I hope this special thing resides in your heart forever, you special person.

Here we go again. Get married, they said. Find a partner who will continue choosing you, they said. Boy; the colours you've shown before are not the same colours you're showing now. Once a muted brown and orange robin, you're now a proud, cocky peacock. You're now everything I stand against, lumped one in one person. An inconsiderate, rude, unkind person.

To me of course. Because your friends, your family - even the world out there; have only seen the considerate and kind person your skin shows. But deeper than that there's nothing. To hell with the God you pray for; if you think you're a good person because you have him in your corner; then I don't want to believe. You think you're so high and mighty, looking down on me in contempt when I am the one who brought you to where you are right now.

You get angry because I help people all the time - well guess what; you wouldn't have made it to within miles of where you are today if it weren't for my help. And I don't know why I keep on sacrificing myself for you in every action; little and big. Thinking that these crumbs of love that you're giving me are what I deserve. Thinking that I should have seen this coming from 10 years ago, so I only have myself to blame. Thinking that it must be in my head since you're so nice to everyone else.

Fuck you; and the pain you've caused me. Keeping me hanging on by a single mental thread; constantly watching your back to make sure I don't cut myself free from you. Selfish bastard.

Bouts of sadness. Unless I keep myself busy, I am sad. But because I am always busy, I am sad. The type of sadness where you just want to unzip your skin and crawl inside, then zip it back up and live hiding away forever. Where your hearts beats anxiously fast for nothing - you'd rather it didn't beat at all. Despite how hard you try, despite your best efforts, the sadness always seems to find its way in, seeping through the cracks until it drowns you in a torrential gush of emotions; when it's too late to stop it.

Remember when on your birthday you messaged me

"I wish you were here x"

?

Just to let you know, He says

"sorry was with my mates, couldn't text"

instead.

I miss you. So,so much. I miss you when I am sober, I miss you when I am drunk. You've ruined 'getting drunk' for me, because you're the only thing I can think about when I have a bit of wine in my body. Remember when you were at that basketball/netball game and I drank a bit and I called you? When I was wearing that purple vest top thing which was a bit low cut but I felt safe with you to the point that I didn't care? But you did tell me to cover up playfully. I am drunk again tonight, and I am wearing THAT red inside dress which you like/d. I am thinking of you, but not sure you even remember all our moments at this point. I am drunk, but my brain is not here. It wanders and visits all our beautiful moments, all the moments which felt so unbelievably perfect. I miss all our moments, all the time spent together. You made life so fun, so easy, so.. not impossible. I really, really miss you, but I know that if you ever come back it won't be the same.

Why won't you leave my mind :(

I have been trying so hard... I think. But you're always there, sometimes at the back; most times at the front. Everything I do, I know would be more fun with you; especially when there's cooking involved.

The words for writing this are not available to me right now, but just know I miss you.

Hey you, it's been a while!

A week and a half since I last properly thought of you. Since I last gave you more than five, ten minutes of my brain space. Then on that random morning after that brunch with Clair, a notification popped up. You had checked my profile... the previous night at 1 am. And all my self-discipline crumbled. Why did you do that? You knew I would know. I wish I never saw that notification - did you go on my profile to keep me hanging, because you knew I'd know? Since then, you've started peppering my thoughts again. I hope you're doing well - that's always my first thought when you go through my mind. I hope your upcoming court date goes well; I would have loved to be there for you, to have a coffee afterwards as you tell me about how you felt seeing him in court. And then I would remind you how far you've come and the huge strides you've made in life after what happened. And I'd be grateful, because I was there to see it happen.

And then I thought of you again last night. Did you see the moon? You were camping - I knew that much. I knew you went, and in that photo that I saw, you looked so happy. So that answers my question I guess, my question as to if you're doing okay. I am glad to see you happy; your happiness was and will always be very precious to me. I hope last night's moon made you as happy as it did me. You, kilometres away.. under the same bright, full moon. I hope you looked up and a smile crept across your face. I hope the little things in life give you happiness, and last night I lived for the hope that you and I saw the same moon and had the same thought - how beautiful it would have been to share that moon with you.

Fuck.

I thought of you again just now.

I am on the bus, on the "best seats in the house" as a vibrant girl called them the other day.

As I look up from my premium seats with a 270 degree view of london from a humble second storey, you crossed my mind. Well, 'crossed' is a lie, because you came in but you haven't yet left.

The windscreen in front of me is quilted with a layer of warm breaths on the inside, and a marathon of rain droplets outside. Last time I was in a bus and I had these seats (though the left side ones), I was on the phone with you. I was even wearing the same jacket I am now.

I remember maniacally laughing with you on the phone, as both of us were in fits.. me slightly less elegant than yours. I forgot why I was laughing, but I knew I could not shut up. We were talking, we were laughing, we were ecstatic - we were in our own little bubble together despite the hundreds of kilometres distance between us. I did not care that I was laughing so loudly on a full bus - you did that, you made me that comfortable in my skin. As long as I laughed, and you were there, the whole world seemed fine and nothing could hurt me. Nothing could make me question myself.

Now even typing this feels like something I shouldn't do in public.

I find myself thinking less and less about you.

You are no longer at the forefront of my mind... although I can assure you you still skim through it a couple of times a day. Now you feel more like a dream which has passed me by, a ghost of 2023 past. My mind is playing tricks on me, and some of the details are becoming hazy.

Life without you is becoming easier, thankfully.