near death experience

I wouldn’t have gone out that night if I would’ve known the darkness it carried.

Demons in his soul lurking beyond his own capacities. Cavities in morality.

Rythmes of the night lacking opacity.

Calamities of the soul near in sight, deep wounded trauma being ignited in the near sight of the brutality.

There was no normality in this.

But.

It felt like any other ordinary night.

deep within, he did carry some sort of foreshadowing from his choice of words as I got in his car.

Subtle but very off in lengths of integrity “I haven’t shown you that side of me Victoria. You don’t know what I’m capable of.”

He wasn’t talking about me then, but the heaviness of his words spelled out my fate, inescapable.

With him it’s hit or miss, he has two sides, rotational.

He denies it, he finds it debatable.

But the purity to the manipulation and off putting grin is unmistakable.

He’s up and down, he’s unsustainable.

When he’s about to manipulate my mind, the signs are there, traceable through the look in his eyes.

It’s as though his personalities are split, I try my best to track down the light in his soul, locational.

Most days my pain is only caused by the psychological, associational.

Tonight we stepped out into something unforeseen, unexplainable.

The night was off, I lost sight of the light, my soul was feeling suicidal.

I lied and said I was alright

But he could see through me and he cried.

He told me I couldn’t leave him, out of sight.

He held me tight with a sad look in his eyes.

He might have cared.

I believed it for a slight moment in time.

Jess came to find me.

She reignited me by reuniting my light and my will to my soul.

She came to find me without hesitation and little information.

Finding me and making sure I’m okay was her motivation.

She spoke life into me, elimination of the suicidal thoughts.

They went away when I realized how true of a friend she was to me.

There was no pretending in that.

Jess is a person I’ll hold close to my heart until the very end.

She tends to broken souls and the time she spends with you she truly sees you for you.

I recommend you be her friend she’s a 10/10.

She’s been through hell and yet is so gentle when it comes to others mental health.

Her past helps her comprehend and she has the best intents.

With this in mind it helped me ascend back to light momentarily.

I sat in a car next to Nicks in a parking lot.

Jess was with Nick.

This was when I heard the boys talking shit.

This didn’t fit.

Jess and I were having a good time, dancing to music, singing and being ourselves.

The shit talk didn’t knit itself into our situation.

We didn’t deserve that.

Not in that moment at least.

Why did they quit having fun and chose hurtful words behind our back?

Why couldn’t they say it to our face of how they truly felt instead? Admit to it.

Why dig themselves a pit? There was no point in what they said.

Hurt and disappointed.

They had no cause to say what they said.

Not in that moment at least.

We were their opponents.

But we didn’t want to be.

It’s potent.

Hiding away their feelings from us was a true component to how my fate unfolded that night.

Atonement for his sin?

No.

It only got worse from there.

When they left, I should’ve said a prayer.

The parking lot we were at was isolated paired with utter darkness.

I was alone with him.

Unaware to what was about to happen.

I was upset that most of his friends were murderers.

What does that say about him?

I swears he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Bare manipulation.

The lies made me angry so I said “____ murdered 2 souls, he deserved to get murdered back.”

His manipulation sank into something darker.

His glare grew cold.

Within less than a second he lunged at me,

My throat now wearing his hands.

His grip got tighter and tighter,

I was scared.

“Don’t you fucking talk about ___ like that”

He kept repeating.

Almost like he was prepared to share the same sin his friend did.

Murder.

I begged him to stop.

I had so much despair.

His eyes looking me in my soul with so much evil, he did not let go.

His soul was looking directly into mine as he tried cutting off my air supply.

No matter how much I begged

“Ethan please stop.” Or cried

Nothing said could get his hands off my throat

He saw me struggling to get out of his car but he held on tight and wouldn’t let me out.

He saw red.

He was held by his demons,

In a split moment I thought “this is how I’m going to die”

Frantic this led me to scratch his throat as self defence.

He let go of my neck, grabbed his neck and let out a small holler.

Within that second I opened his door and ran out.

My plan was to call Jess but my hands were shaking in fear.

I didn’t have much time as he booked it out of his car and tackled me to the ground.

He took my phone, I was bound to him.

He wouldn’t let me call anyone.

Couldn’t make a single sound.

I felt helpless.

I felt like I was going to get murdered.

Everything I tried to do compounded.

All my cries for help was drowned in the darkness of the night sky.

“You’re not going to call anyone” he told me.

Only God could see what I was going through, I was isolated, surrounded by nobody but him and his car.

No stars lighting up my path,

Darkness.

Darkness of the night.

Darkness in his soul.

Safety to me seemed so far.

I grabbed my phone, shoved him and ran.

I ran aimlessly in the cold but I couldn’t even feel the -30.

What just happened to me, left a dark scar on my heart.

The man I love tried to kill me.

He claims he didn’t try to kill me but how can he say that when he directly squeezed with all his force on my air supply?

How can he say he didn’t try to kill me when he saw me suffocating and desperately struggling to get out of his car and he didn’t let go he squeezed tighter?

How can he say he didn’t try to kill me when he saw the look of terror in my eyes as I looked into his eyes and there wasn’t a shred of remorse in his own?

The trauma was cold to my bones.

I felt all alone inside.

Vacant.

Destroyed.

The love was never there for him, the pounding in my neck makes it fully known.

At this point I blacked out in fear and in pain.

My main goal was to shut off the pain in my brain.

There was no way I wanted to remain on this earth after the boy I loved strangled me and watch me squirm in fear.

That was enough reason for me to do what I did.

I slit my wrists on some random sidewalk.

I had no idea where I was.

How could he do that to me?

No one can explain.

Not even him.

This memory he caused me was rotting my mind, leading me blind.

I cut and cut until I fell.

The snow laid a space for me, it was mine.

He drove by and saw me on the ground, he picked me up and brought me his car.

“No!”

“Let me go!”

I was scared but I was weak.

He drove, I didn’t know his intentions they did not show.

I was in fear it would happen again and so I bit my veins,

This went deeper and blood started to flow.

I seized and in a slow my breathing stopped.

I have no memory of this.

He cried out my name and lost his voice.

On the way to the hospital and cpr was his choice.

Where was his will to save my life before in the night?

How can he cut off my air supply in one moment but then in the next pump some back into my lungs?

How can he look at me with so much anger as I cry for help versus desperately trying to save my life?

Like I said, his personality is split

This is how he behaves.

Almost as though he’s a slave to his demons.

Unknowingly.

He won’t admit to it.

But it’s clear to me now that they pave his path.

If not he wouldn’t have gave in and laid hands on my throat.

He played both roles that night.

He paid the devil in full with that sin.

The heaviness of all weighed on my soul.

Only the Lord knows.

Only the Lord knows.