near death experience
I wouldn’t have gone out that night if I would’ve known the darkness it carried.
Demons in his soul lurking beyond his own capacities. Cavities in morality.
Rythmes of the night lacking opacity.
Calamities of the soul near in sight, deep wounded trauma being ignited in the near sight of the brutality.
There was no normality in this.
But.
It felt like any other ordinary night.
deep within, he did carry some sort of foreshadowing from his choice of words as I got in his car.
Subtle but very off in lengths of integrity “I haven’t shown you that side of me Victoria. You don’t know what I’m capable of.”
He wasn’t talking about me then, but the heaviness of his words spelled out my fate, inescapable.
With him it’s hit or miss, he has two sides, rotational.
He denies it, he finds it debatable.
But the purity to the manipulation and off putting grin is unmistakable.
He’s up and down, he’s unsustainable.
When he’s about to manipulate my mind, the signs are there, traceable through the look in his eyes.
It’s as though his personalities are split, I try my best to track down the light in his soul, locational.
Most days my pain is only caused by the psychological, associational.
Tonight we stepped out into something unforeseen, unexplainable.
The night was off, I lost sight of the light, my soul was feeling suicidal.
I lied and said I was alright
But he could see through me and he cried.
He told me I couldn’t leave him, out of sight.
He held me tight with a sad look in his eyes.
He might have cared.
I believed it for a slight moment in time.
Jess came to find me.
She reignited me by reuniting my light and my will to my soul.
She came to find me without hesitation and little information.
Finding me and making sure I’m okay was her motivation.
She spoke life into me, elimination of the suicidal thoughts.
They went away when I realized how true of a friend she was to me.
There was no pretending in that.
Jess is a person I’ll hold close to my heart until the very end.
She tends to broken souls and the time she spends with you she truly sees you for you.
I recommend you be her friend she’s a 10/10.
She’s been through hell and yet is so gentle when it comes to others mental health.
Her past helps her comprehend and she has the best intents.
With this in mind it helped me ascend back to light momentarily.
I sat in a car next to Nicks in a parking lot.
Jess was with Nick.
This was when I heard the boys talking shit.
This didn’t fit.
Jess and I were having a good time, dancing to music, singing and being ourselves.
The shit talk didn’t knit itself into our situation.
We didn’t deserve that.
Not in that moment at least.
Why did they quit having fun and chose hurtful words behind our back?
Why couldn’t they say it to our face of how they truly felt instead? Admit to it.
Why dig themselves a pit? There was no point in what they said.
Hurt and disappointed.
They had no cause to say what they said.
Not in that moment at least.
We were their opponents.
But we didn’t want to be.
It’s potent.
Hiding away their feelings from us was a true component to how my fate unfolded that night.
Atonement for his sin?
No.
It only got worse from there.
When they left, I should’ve said a prayer.
The parking lot we were at was isolated paired with utter darkness.
I was alone with him.
Unaware to what was about to happen.
I was upset that most of his friends were murderers.
What does that say about him?
I swears he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
Bare manipulation.
The lies made me angry so I said “____ murdered 2 souls, he deserved to get murdered back.”
His manipulation sank into something darker.
His glare grew cold.
Within less than a second he lunged at me,
My throat now wearing his hands.
His grip got tighter and tighter,
I was scared.
“Don’t you fucking talk about ___ like that”
He kept repeating.
Almost like he was prepared to share the same sin his friend did.
Murder.
I begged him to stop.
I had so much despair.
His eyes looking me in my soul with so much evil, he did not let go.
His soul was looking directly into mine as he tried cutting off my air supply.
No matter how much I begged
“Ethan please stop.” Or cried
Nothing said could get his hands off my throat
He saw me struggling to get out of his car but he held on tight and wouldn’t let me out.
He saw red.
He was held by his demons,
In a split moment I thought “this is how I’m going to die”
Frantic this led me to scratch his throat as self defence.
He let go of my neck, grabbed his neck and let out a small holler.
Within that second I opened his door and ran out.
My plan was to call Jess but my hands were shaking in fear.
I didn’t have much time as he booked it out of his car and tackled me to the ground.
He took my phone, I was bound to him.
He wouldn’t let me call anyone.
Couldn’t make a single sound.
I felt helpless.
I felt like I was going to get murdered.
Everything I tried to do compounded.
All my cries for help was drowned in the darkness of the night sky.
“You’re not going to call anyone” he told me.
Only God could see what I was going through, I was isolated, surrounded by nobody but him and his car.
No stars lighting up my path,
Darkness.
Darkness of the night.
Darkness in his soul.
Safety to me seemed so far.
I grabbed my phone, shoved him and ran.
I ran aimlessly in the cold but I couldn’t even feel the -30.
What just happened to me, left a dark scar on my heart.
The man I love tried to kill me.
He claims he didn’t try to kill me but how can he say that when he directly squeezed with all his force on my air supply?
How can he say he didn’t try to kill me when he saw me suffocating and desperately struggling to get out of his car and he didn’t let go he squeezed tighter?
How can he say he didn’t try to kill me when he saw the look of terror in my eyes as I looked into his eyes and there wasn’t a shred of remorse in his own?
The trauma was cold to my bones.
I felt all alone inside.
Vacant.
Destroyed.
The love was never there for him, the pounding in my neck makes it fully known.
At this point I blacked out in fear and in pain.
My main goal was to shut off the pain in my brain.
There was no way I wanted to remain on this earth after the boy I loved strangled me and watch me squirm in fear.
That was enough reason for me to do what I did.
I slit my wrists on some random sidewalk.
I had no idea where I was.
How could he do that to me?
No one can explain.
Not even him.
This memory he caused me was rotting my mind, leading me blind.
I cut and cut until I fell.
The snow laid a space for me, it was mine.
He drove by and saw me on the ground, he picked me up and brought me his car.
“No!”
“Let me go!”
I was scared but I was weak.
He drove, I didn’t know his intentions they did not show.
I was in fear it would happen again and so I bit my veins,
This went deeper and blood started to flow.
I seized and in a slow my breathing stopped.
I have no memory of this.
He cried out my name and lost his voice.
On the way to the hospital and cpr was his choice.
Where was his will to save my life before in the night?
How can he cut off my air supply in one moment but then in the next pump some back into my lungs?
How can he look at me with so much anger as I cry for help versus desperately trying to save my life?
Like I said, his personality is split
This is how he behaves.
Almost as though he’s a slave to his demons.
Unknowingly.
He won’t admit to it.
But it’s clear to me now that they pave his path.
If not he wouldn’t have gave in and laid hands on my throat.
He played both roles that night.
He paid the devil in full with that sin.
The heaviness of all weighed on my soul.
Only the Lord knows.
Only the Lord knows.
My head
feeling a slave to my mind and my grave,
feeling ashamed,
Lost
And gazing down the rabbit hole.
Knowing better
Feeling stuck
Eyes on the truth
But feet glued to my dark side.
Crying in my dreams
Oh nothing is as it seems
As I’m broken on the inside
Depicting an angel the outside
Oh baby it’s cold inside
It’s snowing inside
And I’m scared
My heart a blizzard
I’m lost
Below all my pride
Trauma
Oh it guides
Me to my darkest places,
Angel the outside
Cold,
Frozen,
Can you see it in my eyes?
Nobody pure for me,
Am I the only angel in this city of mine?
I feel so alone
Dark and sunken in my mind
Sleeping is my only obvious mark
Tired of the remarks
All I’ve ever been is true,
And kind
And yet you see me as nothing
Screw you.
I miss the warmth of me
The girl of light
Never seen
Every shadow cast on me
My light dimmed
Telling myself
I’ll be alright
With losses comes night
Dark
Forgetting the bright
With seasons come change
My insides dying to white
Crying in my dreams
Oh nothing is as it seems
As I’m broken on the inside
Depicting an angel the outside
Oh baby it’s cold inside
It’s snowing inside
And I’m scared
Here,
I am here, my body
conditions with my mind austere
Unclear
Coating my mind with veneer
To glue my thoughts together
Before they fall apart
A thick coat like leather,
Barricading the dark cold weather
My soul of light feels slipping into a tether
Falling to the never lost land
Peter land, rabbit holes
Feeling strand-ed
As she landed with a thunk
As he commanded.
Who is he?
He who grew 11 feet tall
towering in the dark full of ego and greed,
The one who turns the freed to trapped
The bands to snapped.
As he stretches the souls
Who threw themselves to despair
In his lies they heard truth.
Who is he?
The commander of the darkest deeds
The one who sits in the shallows
Feeding from the pleads of the lost souls who fell in the currents of his shallows of darkness.
Eyes on the truth
But feet glued to my dark side.
The girl scared,
Running to hide.
Guarding her light,
With all her might,
Scared if it slips away,
Forever it will be night.
Hating her pride.
Or anything dark deep inside.
As she eyed her demons
She felt with every person
They dried her fountain
Of love and pushed her aside
To be used and bruised and burned and drowned
She learned she was never seen
For her light
She was seen for her body and items
An auction prize
That was labeled with lies
As lust was drooled in their eyes of dark
Inbreeding her with marks
Her losing her soul one by one
As people turned-
Away.
They never stay.
Pawns at play,
This evil game
Leaving her feeling astray, alone
In her cold soul.
Oh baby it’s cold inside
It’s snowing inside
And I’m scared
I’m scared to never be loved
By myself, again.
Trapped in the human psyche of cages
Abuse and fields of trauma
The weeds so tall I cannot see
Seen as recyclable
Despite my good deeds
Re-usable.
Used.
Bruised.
Who is he?
The dark.
Robbing the light.
The demon of death.
The devil himself.
He resides in you and me.
The key to the inner night,
And the lies
Your chains of your artificial gains
Chaining me down causing my pain
Your cocain bad morals
Causing my soul of light
To drown day by day
As it rains in my soul
Feeling drained
Irony
Oh what a shame
I miss the girl of light
Who was bright and sane
Not lost in this bloodstain built wall
Inside of my brain
That causes my head to fall to night
Dimming my clarity sight.
art, my soul longing to connect and depart to the king lost land of bliss and pure happiness... where kindness cures souls, to love is to care, beauty, we’ll stare. Rather here we compare, broken in our own nightmare, frozen, unspoken, where we tare our own scars not even aware to our chaos called anger, depression we bare. The only way to repair, is to say and to talk not stay standing still in our own bloody nightmares. Talk about our turmoil and end this game we play with ourselves, solitaire. Clear our minds from these impaired broken seeds of so called greed and suffering. What we need in hopes not to bleed, is to visit the lost land of freed souls, that keyed in good choices by freeing their voices, open souls who’d rather succeed than have their demons mislead them to their forever eternal home with only sadness to bare with their lost blank stares...
I used to be so psychotic, selfish, needy, arrogant. I’m sorry the love we had saw those parts of me. I’m sorry our past selves went through the drama that the old me would create. It wasn’t fair. Isn’t it crazy from plain view things go unnoticed on my behalf but the further the distance between us the more I see