The Summer Journal - Entry 1, 2023

I had thought that I wouldn't make friends, that those three weeks would pass by quickly, and I wouldn't have to worry about the tears that would follow and the fear of never seeing friends made during those three weeks ever again. I had thought it would be that easy. I thought I could be alone for three weeks and get away with making no friends. But I was wrong - as I so very often am.

I had not expected you.

You were so nice and kind and caring, so funny and calm in all situations, you were everything I never expected to have. I was drawn to you in a way I didn't understand. We became close friends in a flash, teasing and playfully bickering like lovers, it was always a nonstop competition between us. I never won. I had known you for only a small amount of time, but it had felt like I had known you my whole life. I could trust you with anything, my feelings, my thoughts, and my secrets. You always listened with a caring heart and comforted me. You even opened up your heart for me. It was a friendship unlike any other I had ever had - and, I didn't know it then, it was unlike any I will ever have. We always had each other's backs, we were always happy around each other, always playing and teasing. It was the best three weeks of my life.

It ended too soon.

At the end when we had to go home, I had held in my tears so well, trying to be strong. I wanted the last thing you saw of me was a strong and collected woman. Even when on the inside I was falling apart, painfully unsure whether I would ever see you again. It hurt me so terribly to even think of it, but now, now several months after - soon to be a year - we hardly even text. We used to text every day. I had tried so hard to stay in touch with you, I was so afraid I would lose you, but now you rarely speak to me. Is it my fault? Did I do something to make you not want to be my friend anymore?

What happened to us?

Now I wonder, if I ever see you again, will it be different between us? Will we still be as close as we were? Or will the distance have pushed us apart? I'm not sure what the answer is to any of these questions, but what I do know is that I miss you and your jokes, and I truly hope that someday we get to see each other again.

Here's one last secret, one that you'll never be able to hear, a secret that will float through this computer and through my mind and through my memories, a secret that you'll never know. I was starting to fall in love with you. Most people could see it on my face (Kylie and Kara especially), but you never did and never will. Now, though, I don't even know if those feelings were real or not. If it was just that I thought I was in love because of how close we were, but what I do know is that I miss being your friend. I miss laughing with you and competing with you. I just hope that you are living a happy life and don't forget about all of the memories we had during that amazing Summer Intensive.