Alone
1.
She sat alone at a lonely corner of the grey classroom, by the window. She took out her phone and plugged in earphones, switching to an Alan Walker song.
“What are you listening to?”
“Alan Walker songs.”
“I bumped into his songs here and there, but never really listened...Are they good?”
“Of course, at least I find them good...want me to recommend you some? I am a huge fan of his songs.”
“Sure.”
Bell rang. She hurriedly stuffed her phone and earphones into her bag.
“We’re in for it today too, don't you think?” she whispered at the empty seat beside her.
She was alone again. It’d been six months since her seatmate disappeared.
Yes, disappeared. There was no other word to describe that.
“Let me recommend you some songs too, may I?”
“Of course.”
He took out his notepad and wrote down some song names.
“Wow. You have beautiful handwriting.”
“I know,” he smiled.
That was how they bonded. Over music. She loved listening to music, and if she got to talk to someone about music, she could talk nonstop.
He seemed to know that she was lonely. And he made effort to get her talk. For someone like her, it was something out of ordinary.
But now, she was alone. Again.
2.
Facts about her seatmate:
He had deep blue eyes that reminded her of a lake
He had incredibly beautiful voice
He was a diehard gamer, manga reader and anime watcher
He loved listening to vocaloid music
He was a night owl
He was addicted to coffee
He could crack jokes even in a serious situation
And the thing that she liked about him the most was -
He was kind, understanding and full of empathy
Past
From her very first day at this school, she was ignored. Maybe her classmates could sense that she was a weirdo.
Looking back, she realized that most of the time she could befriend people only when they reached out to her first. She was always clumsy with conversations and saying even something as simple as ‘Hi’ to a stranger was something she struggled with. When in new school no one made an effort to reach out to her first, she didn't come out of her shell. She hid herself in the backbench and listened to Alan Walker songs on breaks.
Maybe she wasn’t a weirdo, she was just too ordinary for anyone to notice.
She couldn’t remember what the first conversation with him was about. All she remembered was the fact that he came to sit beside her out of nowhere, and spoke informally.
The earliest conversation she could remember between them was when he said, “This is my favourite spot. Teachers can barely see us from there.”
“Tell me about this school and the teachers, I’m new here so...”
“Yeah sure. But keep in mind that I was absent from this school for whole two years.”
“Why?”
“I went to Japan and lived there for two years.”
“Is that so?”
That explained his fascination towards Japan and consumption of Japanese media, about which she found out later. He could even understand and speak a little Japanese.
She was curious about his stay in Japan. She asked him, “What was it like living there?”
“I enjoyed it. I’d love to go there again and stay longer. But I don't want to live as a citizen.”
Later on, she sometimes teased him, calling him Mr. Japanese. He didn't mind. Rather, he seemed to like that nickname. Sometimes he taught her Japanese words and expressions, just for fun.
After that day, he was kind enough to sit beside her everyday. Sometimes his friends came to hang out. Even then, he didn't go far from her. She could easily take part in their conversations, but she felt awkward doing so.
He was far from an extrovert. He had social anxiety. But strangely enough, he wasn’t a bit uncomfortable with her. She was the same.
3.
Past
There was one day in particular that she would never forget.
It was the day the result of their first-term exam was published. To attend the result announcing ceremony, everyone was told to gather at the hallroom.
She was hesitating. She knew her result or far from something grandiose, for her and students like her this ceremony was nothing but an occasion of listening to mundane speeches, and people would keep rubbing it in how much of a loser she and people like her were.
In the end, she decided not to go. She looked at the side and found her seatmate.
“Are you not going?” she asked.
“Nah. I don't have any interest.”
“We are much alike, don't you think?”
“Yeah, I think so. By the way, if we see someone coming, we’re gonna hide, okay?”
“Hide where?”
“Under the bench.”
“Is that even possible?”
“Dunno. I guess we have to try.”
So the two of them stayed behind and talked, about trivial to serious things.
“I don't like the fact that the successful ones are the ones who always get to deliver colourful speeches. We ordinary people keep being degraded as losers because of them.” She complained.
“The world isn’t a game anyway, there are no winners and losers. In the end, we all are just fighting for our lives. Some of us are living, some of us merely surviving.”
They were so absorbed in their conversation that they lost track of time. A whole hour had passed before everyone came back, forcing a break into their conversation.
Later on, that day became a precious memory to treasure for both of them. And that day also marked a step towards their friendship.
4.
Past
They were walking in the corridor, heading to their classroom. It was an unusual occasion, since they came to class in different times. But that day, they arrived at the same time. So naturally, they accompanied each other to the class.
He was humming an unfamiliar tune. She suspected it was a Japanese song. Whatever it was, she liked listening to it.
“You know when I first took notice of you?” he said, “I have been keeping an eye on you ever since you first entered this school. I remember, on the first day you looked very gloomy. Like you were about to cry.”
She remembered that day. “Actually, I had a fight with my parents that day.”
“You looked so sad and lonely that I thought that I should try to help you out a little. That was why I sat with you the next day.”
“Thanks.” She said with a smile.
He went back to humming his Japanese tune. She wanted to ask what song that was, but didn't want to interrupt him.
5.
Past
“I started attending a private tutoring centre, you know. It was so boring and tiring. I felt so freaking lonely. I wish we could attend together.”
“Is that so?” he said, eyes attached to his phone.
“Yeah. I was the odd one out. Everyone else was talking about how hard they were studying, how many exams they are attending everyday and yet they can’t seem to finish their lessons, I felt like a loser without a future.”
“Good for them. They have a bright future awaiting them, unlike us.”
“I feel so pathetic around these people, you know.”
“Don't worry. You are still at least trying at your own pace. Keep trying. Don't end up like me.”
Every time he said “Don't end up like me”, her heart hurt for him.
“Anyway...Guess what happened?” he said looking at her.
“Judging from the look at your face, seems like something good happened.”
He lifted his phone so that she could see the screen. There, gorgeous-looking male character in a fancy appearance was looking at her. It was a character from Twisted Wonderland, the game he was obsessed with.
“I got his SSR card today,” his face shined with pure enthusiasm.
“Good for you,” she smiled too, knowing what was coming next.
As she expected, he kept rambling on about the character and how hard it was for him to get this particular card, then he changed the topic to the latest updates of Genshin Imapact (another game that he loved) and how excited he was about that. She just listened, dropping comments or her opinion from time to time.
Before meeting him, to her gaming felt like a waste of time. She didn't really get what was so interesting about games.
She once asked him, “Why do you play games? What’s so fun about it?”
“You see, my life is a void. I don't have friends to hang out with, nor do I have a dream to chase after. There isn’t a thing that I am truly interested in, except for the world of games. Games give me all sort of feelings – comfort after a long day, anticipation and excitement for new episodes, angst and happiness, feeling of empathy that I feel for characters and whatnot. They are my resting place when I feel so done with real world.”
He was the one who dragged her into the world of games. It was also because she felt bored and empty, so she decided to try something new.
She still couldn’t match the level of him, but at least now she could understand his game related babblings. That was enough for them. Unlike him, she had no fixation. She kinda envied him for that. She envied his genuine smile when he talked about games.
Besides gaming, her seatmate had another fixation and that was animation. He loved watching anime and he could work on his own animation too. His dream was to be a game developer or to work in an animation studio.
But his dream and reality was far apart.
As for her, she didn't have a dream to begin with. She was just going with the flow.
6.
Past
She had a rough day at home. She thought it would be okay after coming to school, but it wasn’t. Her heart was heavy.
“Everything okay on your end?” he asked, seeing her gloomy face.
“Guess not.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“I don't wanna dump my emotional trashcan on you.”
“I don't mind if you do. Feel free.”
It was a temptation she found hard to resist. Even so, she said,
“I might cry.”
“That’s fine.”
So she couldn’t help telling him everything that was bothering her. At a point, she indeed cried. He listened patiently until the end without interrupting.
Once she was done, he said, “Do you want me to serenade you?”
“Um...” she was affirmative.
“Want me to sing you something?”
She didn't see that coming at all.
“Sure. I’d love to hear you sing.”
“But you have to promise me two things first.”
“Drop it.”
“First, you have to sing to me too. Second, you won’t laugh at me.”
“I-I have to sing too?” she tried to protest.
“Come on. Do you think I haven’t heard you humming all the time? You sure have beautiful voice.”
“Um...If you say so...”
He took a deep breath, “Okay, here we go...” and he started.
I’ve been thinking ’bout it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
“Beautiful.” she said. “Unique.”
“Hehe. Don't pump me up. Now, your turn.”
We all need that someone who gets you like no one else
Right when you need it the most
We all need a soul to rely on, a shoulder to cry on
A friend through the highs and the lows
I’m not gonna make it a-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lone
Looking into his deep blue eyes, she continued,
’Cause you are that someone who gets me like no one else
Right when I need it the most
Now I’ll be the soul you rely on, a shoulder to cry on
A friend through the highs and the lows
I’m not gonna make it a-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lone
After meeting him and getting close to him, every time she listened to that song his face came to her mind. As if that song was meant for them.
At the end of their listening-and-singing session, she realized that the heaviness in her heart was replaced with a feathery lightness.
7.
Present
It was Tuesday.
After school, she headed to public library. It was the day of weekly book exchange.
She loved library. The calm and quiet environment of the place, the company of books, the scent that the ages-old books gave off – she loved all that.
It was late autumn. Winter was coming soon. Which means, the time for her to grab a cup of warm tea and enjoy a book sitting in her balcony was near. She could feel the chilliness in the wind.
On her way to the library, she thought of her seatmate. He said he used to be a bookworm. She wanted to ask why he was no longer one, but forgot.
She remembered him from time to time even when she was out of school.
A week after he stopped coming to school, she was called to teacher’s office. The teacher asked if she knew his whereabouts. Her answer was negative, since she couldn’t get in touch with him ever since he was absent from school.
That day, she learnt that he went missing. He didn't go home after school on the day he last attended, and he was unreachable ever since.
She wondered. He did admit from time to time that he didn't choose to be born, and he only lived because he couldn’t die. But when she expressed her concern, he always said, “I’ll be fine.” One moment he would express his anger, frustration and resentment towards everything, the next moment he would make a joke out of nowhere – his seriousness disappearing in an instant.
She remembered his words from one day. “Listen, I will have to deal with this shitty life of mine once I am out of school or once I log out from the chat once again. Why don't we just forget about that for now, and enjoy this moment? There is no point in making you depressed by trauma dumping, not when I am trying so hard to escape reality.”
Escape reality. That was what he tried to do all the time – through gaming, manga or music. While she listened to music or read that were closer to reality, to deal with reality better.
8.
Past
During exams, they couldn’t meet each other because they were placed in different rooms, since his roll was far away from hers.
But he waited for her after exam ended. They would talk and walk to the school gate together.
The first time he did it, she was really happy. For her, it meant a lot.
On an exam day like that, he told her, “I got a present for you.”
“What is it?”
He handed her a bag. She opened it and found a manga volume.
“Wow! Is that for me, or are you just lending...?”
“It’s yours. A welcome present to celebrate your entry in the world of Twisted Wonderland.”
When was the last time she ever got a present from a friend? That must be before she transferred to this school. But none of those presents was as heartfelt and sincere as his.
“I’ll cherish it.” That was her way of saying thanks. She held her book close to her heart, both literally and metaphorically.
9.
Past
The day before his disappearance, he did something weird. He gave her a hug out of nowhere.
It was after school broke up. There was no one else in the class.
“W-What are you doing?” she was surprised and tensed.
“Relax. I am not going to do anything that hurt you.” He buried his face in her hair, “Do you like hugging?”
“I haven’t been hugged by someone before so I don't know.”
“How are you feeling now?”
“I feel...warm.”
“Is that so? Am I a good hugger?”
“Um...maybe?”
“That’s good to know.” He released her. “Sayonara.”
“What did you say? I couldn’t understand.”
“Sa-yo-na-ra.”
“Japanese? What does it mean?”
“Goodbye.”
She didn’t understand the significance back at that time, but later on, after knowing what happened to him, she finally understood.
He dared to hug her that day because he knew that even if rumours spread about him, he wouldn’t be there to take the hit.
It was farewell.
10.
In her diary, she wrote what she learnt from him.
“Friends -
Are there for each other, through rain and shine.
Share their burdens with each other without worrying about burdening.
Empathize with each other.
Give each other quality time.
Give gifts that maybe low in price but carefully thought and chosen.
Knows how to lift each other up.
Make sure to not make each other feel alone or left out.
Take notes of what make each other happy, angry, irritated and sad, and act accordingly.
Respects each other’s personal space, privacy and boundaries.
Most important: true friendship should not be one-sided. It’s based on mutual feeling and understanding.”
Now she knew what true friendship was like thanks to him. Though, their friendship was short-lived.
In a corner of her heart, she believed that he was alive somewhere and come back someday. Somewhere in this world, he was probably remembering their time together and maybe missing her, too. She wanted to hold onto that idea.
She wondered how their reunion would be. What if it’s after so long that they won’t even remember each other?
Who knows.
In another deepest corner of her heart, she was pessimist. Her instinct told her that he would never come back, it was over.
Between them. Between him and the world.
Epilogue
He knew that if he were to disappear from this world, it wouldn’t make much of a difference to anyone’s life.
One fine day, he just decided to disappear.
His parents might look for him for a while, but at a point they would stop searching. They would probably feel a bit of relief that the problem child was finally gone. He was told multiple times that he was the black sheep of their family, and it would be better if he wasn’t born. Even the one who always took his side ended up expressing the same emotion.
He thought of the girl he befriended. She might miss him for a while, but even she would forget him after a time being. Life goes on.
If only he reactivated his social media again, he would discover a series of messages from someone who hadn’t forgotten him yet.
You okay?
What’s wrong?
Where did you run off to?
Did I mean nothing to you?
Everyone’s worried about you.
I was called to the teacher’s office; they asked me if I knew about your whereabouts.
I refuse to believe that you are dead somewhere. You’ll come back, won’t you?
Please, just assure me that you are alive and well.
I miss you. Every single day.
Just letting you know – I will be waiting for you.
In the end, he died with the belief that he was nothing but a useless side character whom no one cared about. He never got to know that in someone’s life, he was more than a side character, and that he was loved and cherished and remembered.
Or maybe he knew.