“I didn’t know someone lived here…My apologies.”

“You're drenched. You should come in and dry yourself and maybe rest a bit.”

“N-No…I'd better excuse myself.”

“You can stay the night. That's why you came here in the first place, didn’t you? I live alone, you see…I can totally use some company.”

Hesitatingly, he stepped in. An ice-cold hand grabbed his hand drenched with rainwater.

“It’s dark, so let me lead the way.”

“Why is it so dark?”

“You see, I'm blind. I don’t need light.”

“Does that mean…there is no light in this house at all?”

“No.”

“That's…scary…Maybe I should just go…”

“Stay the night. I'll keep you company so you won't get scared.”

But you are kinda scary yourself, he swallowed those words, not wanting to offend his host.

“Would you like a change of clothes? I wish I could make you a cup of tea to warm you up, but I am incapable of it.”

“Thanks, but I'll only stay until the rain stops. I don’t want to trouble you.”

“Why do you keep insist on leaving? Am I that scary?”

“You might be comfortable living in darkness, but I am not…”

“Are you sure this darkness and my presence is scarier than the world you live in?”

He was stunned.

“H-how do you know?”

“Just a wild guess. Why else would you run to a desolate house in the middle of nowhere in this pouring rain?”

“I-I could've got lost and taken shelter here temporarily! Why are you jumping into conclusion by yourself?”

“Is that the case…My apologies for overthinking, then…”

“But you know what, you're right. Actually…I ran away from home.”

“So I was right.” I actually saw your memories while we were holding hands.

“I have a proposal for you. It’s entirely up to you whether you accept it or not…It's just that I want to help you.”

“What is it?”

“Would you like to stay here with me?”

“W-What?”

“I mean it. Would you like to?”

“We don’t even know each other…”

“Like I told you before…I’d love some company in this darkness. It’s been so many years of being alone, I’ve lost count…”

“Years…?” But why do you sound like someone of my age?

“If you haven’t realized yet…I’m…a…what you call…ghost.”

“EHHHH?!”

He screamed and jumped away from the stranger.

“My apologies if I have startled you.”

“I-I'm leaving…”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I…can’t possibly live in this house with an unknown-years-old ghost in pitch darkness…”

“So…you're going to leave me too,” the stranger mumbled.

“On top of my blindness, I have another condition that doesn’t allow my skin to withstand sunshine.”

“Is that because you're a ghost? Are you…a bloodsucking vampire? Is that why you invited me in, so that you can suck my blood?”

“No,” the stranger chuckled, “I have had that condition since birth. You see, that condition is why I was made to live in this desolate place, away from other humans…”

“That's sad.”

“They called me moonchild because of my condition. They feared me. Like you, many of them thought that I was a vampire. So my family built this house out of nowhere and left me here…”

“Left you?”

“Originally, they took turns staying with me here. That continued until I was eighteen. They were growing tired of it, I guess. So one day they came to this mutual agreement to abandon me.”

“Abandon…?”

“Yes. I couldn’t go outside since I didn’t know the roads and I could've been in an accident…I stayed here and waited…waited…waited…I called but no one answered, I was starving and there was nothing to eat at home…At one point I was desperate enough to attempt to go out but the door was locked from outside…I got so weak that I couldn’t break the door, so I lay there on the floor…in and out of my consciousness…until one day I fell into a long, deep sleep. When I came to, I felt better but my heart wasn’t beating anymore…”

“Stop…I can't listen to it anymore…”

“Sorry. It wasn’t a pleasant story…I knew it but I still rambled on…”

“You…really went through a lot…”

“This is my first time telling this story to anyone. I never had anyone to share this story with….”

“Poor you.”

He had given up on life long ago. The family who adopted him didn’t care enough worry about his disappearance. He had no dream or goal to live for. Being with this unnatural presence in darkness seemed much better to face the shitty world outside. Darkness was scary, but outside world was scarier.

If he could make this stranger happy by keeping him company, why not?

“It'll hurt a bit. I'm really sorry about that,” he felt a cold arm wrapping around his neck in that pitch-black darkness. He closed his eyes and surrendered, but his body wouldn’t. It struggled and fought to keep him alive, to pull him back to the world of living until the very end. Until he became one with the darkness.

“Are you there?”

“I'm here.”

“Welcome to my world. From now on, we'll never be alone, we'll never be in pain. We'll be together, always.”

1.

It was just another day. In the breakfast table, my mother said, “Did you hear? The boy who lived next door, who was in the same class as you, was found dead this morning.”

My heart skipped a beat. I asked, “How?”

“Suicide case, according to police.”

I could barely eat anything more after that. I didn't even know that boy. Maybe saw his face one or two times while passing by, that was all. Then why was the news of his passing hurting me this much? Actually, death news always comes with a shock. Or maybe it was the fact that he committed suicide that shocked me more. I never imagined someone I knew doing it.

He weighed on my mind all day. What was hurting him so much that drove him to that point? Did he have depression? My heart ached at the thought of him. The strange thing was, up until yesterday I didn't even know him, but today I was unable to focus on my daily life because of him.

He was probably lonely up until yesterday. But today, a lot of people who knew him and who didn't, would gather around him or talk about him, maybe even shed some tears for him. Not a single one was there to stop him when he made that drastic decision. Now their empty condolences would not do any good for him.

After tossing and turning in my bed for hours, I finally fell asleep that night. And I dreamt.

When I woke up in the morning next day, the feelings from that dream still lingered in my heart.

The dream was so vivid that I remembered every trivial detail even after waking up. Unlike my usual haphazard dreams, it was as if everything that happened in the dream was actually real. It was natural for something that you’ve been thinking about to appear in dream, but that dream was...different.

The dream was about the boy who passed away yesterday.

* * *

I was sitting alone when I saw someone coming towards me. When he got closer, I recognized him. I remembered his face from the funeral.

He was wearing a grey hoodie, and his hairs were messy. He sat by me. For a long time, we sat in silence.

He was the one who started the conversation, “Beautiful view, isn’t it?”

“Hmm.”

“I come here when I need to clear my head.”

I looked around. I didn't know this place and I didn't remember coming here before.

“What place is this?” I asked him.

“It’s 3 kilometres west from the city. You should go there someday.”

2.

I dreamt of him again the next night. And the night after that, and after that...it continued, like a series. And all of those dreams were vivid like the first one.

He kept silent most of the time. When I asked him something, only then he would answer.

I asked him about his life. From what he told me, his life was nothing much different from an ordinary university student. He liked reading and disliked socializing. He didn't have any close friends.

Waking up, I would wonder whether the things that he told me were really true or just a product of my imagination.

There was only one way to find out, and that was to talk to someone who knew him in real life. But during daytime, I rarely thought of him since I was so busy with my life. After the initial wave of shock, I could’ve just forgotten about him. But thanks to the dreams, he was still on my mind.

There was one question that lingered in my mind but I could never ask.

One day, I decided to ask my mother if she knew something.

“Mom,” I said in the breakfast table, “you know, the boy next door who passed away...can you tell me about him?”

“Well, how can I know about him? I doubt whether even his mom knew him well. You know, boys of your age are like that, secretive. You are like that too.”

“Hmm...but I supposed since you’re friends with his mom, maybe his mom told you something about him since moms love to brag about their sons to their next-door neighbour friends...”

My mother seemed to be thinking about my question.

“I don't remember anything much, really. I wasn’t that close to his mom to begin with.”

I gave up. And I forgot about him soon after, until night came and I dreamt of him again.

* * *

“Did you have depression?” the question escaped my lips.

“No,” he said, “I mean, not clinically. I did feel depressed from time to time, but who doesn’t.”

Then why...

“I know what you are thinking,” he said, as if he could sense my silent question, “I will answer you someday. But not today.” With those words, he let out a sigh.

3.

The next day, I met two boys on my way to university. While passing them by, I heard snippets of their conversation.

“I still wonder why on earth he did this.”

“He never looked like someone who could do something like this...I just don't understand.”

I wondered whether they were talking about my late neighbour. We went to the same university but studied different subjects, so we never crossed path even in university. If they did talk about him, then their question is my question too. Why? And, why did he choose me of all people to have conversations with?

Maybe it was because of the fact that I didn't know him. Sometimes, you feel more comfortable sharing your secrets with a stranger than with someone you know.

* * *

“Are you thinking about something?” I felt weird asking him that. How could someone who was no longer alive possibly think about something?

“Do you know what’s it like to cherish a dream, only to have it shattered?”

“Dream? I never had any to begin with. That doesn’t mean I am aimless, though, I do have a goal that I want to reach. But if I lose it unfortunately, I will just have to find another one.”

“Find another one...huh, how easy that sounds. Wish I could think that simply.”

“Hey, it isn’t that easy.” I tried to assure him, “You will feel lost and frustrated at first. Pressures from parents won’t leave you alone, either. But life goes on. If you lose your way, you have to find a new one unless you reach a dead end.”

“To me, every other way except for the one I decided to walk on was dead end. So when I lost that way, I didn't have any other choice but giving up at the middle of the road.”

“How were you so sure that the road you decided on was ‘your way’? Maybe the way you choose wasn’t originally meant to be yours?”

“It’s totally pointless talking about it now.”

After a moment of silence, he spoke again.

“You know, it pierced my heart when those adults said that our generation is a lost generation, or something like that.”

“I heard that a lot too, but I just brushed it off and forgot afterwards.”

“I feel stabbed every time I heard that, honestly. Sometimes I just felt like I shouldn’t have been born in the first place...”

“Hey, but our parents who are saying that now, they must’ve heard it from their parents too.”

“I was just too tired, you know. Constant fight with realism and idealism... I was too exhausted from living like that every day. It was suffocating, leaving me with no room for breathing...”

I couldn’t say anything.

He suddenly hugged me and started crying.

“I just wished someone would’ve told me that it was okay, that it was normal to go through this at my age...but none of the people around me could think straight, you know. They were way too complex, and I was afraid to turn out to be a shitty adult like them...I was afraid, I was afraid of growing up...”

I guessed that was the answer to my question.

I hugged him back.

Waking up, I discovered that my cheeks were wet with tears.

4.

He never appeared in my dreams after that.

I didn't believe in dreams before. I mean, dreams are dreams, they are just illusions created by our brains that had nothing to do with reality.

But this series of dreams made me wonder. Why did he repeatedly appear in my dreams and why were those dreams so vivid? Could it be that he wanted to tell me something through these dreams? Who knows.

He probably had no one to share his burdens and thoughts with, and he had something that he wanted to be known to someone. Something he couldn’t tell anyone when he was alive. Once he let it all out, he stopped appearing.

Or probably it was because I wanted to know so badly why he did what he did, and his death hurt me in subconscious level. Maybe the whole thing was just something in my head.

I went to meet his family one day. They didn't welcome me with open arms, since a lot of people bothered them ever since his death. I didn't tell them about my dream, I just made up some excuse. I wanted to know about him better, though I already knew a part of him that probably no one else knew...

Maybe out of sheer curiosity, or maybe for a reality check, I searched for the place that I saw in my dreams with him. And I discovered that a place like that did exist.

I went there on the first anniversary of his death.

Sitting there alone, I thought of him. I couldn’t understand people like him. Maybe I never would. I would forget him someday, probably. But then again, he must have wanted me to remember him. I still wonder, why me of all people to whom he chose to confide in?

There are some questions that you will not find the answer of, even if you pass a lifetime. For now, all I can do is to grant his unspoken wish – to save his untold story and pass it on.

1.

That morning, he woke up not hearing the sound of alarm, but because the early morning sunlight disturbed his sleep. The ceiling above his head was an unfamiliar one. Where am I? He wondered for a minute. Then slowly he came to his senses, and realized where he was and why.

He rubbed his heavy eyelids in an attempt to rub off the sleepiness. It was more out of habit than an obligation. After all, he didn’t have to wake up early in the morning from now on. He could sleep in as much as he wanted now, but now that he actually had the chance to do so, he didn’t have the urge to sleep in anymore.

When was the last time I got to enjoy a proper vacation? He hardly remembered. Honeymoon period was probably the last time. After that, he got too caught up in work and life that it left him drained out, devoid of energy. Nowadays he barely had time to sit down and think about anything, and even when he had time he lacked the energy and mood.

You are not the only one living like that, he said to himself, everyone around you is living the same way. That's how adult life is.

That belief was what held him together from falling apart. That was, until one day, something unexpected came up and gave him a loud shake.

He rolled on the other side of the empty bed. For the last fifteen years, he had been sleeping together with someone else. He forgot what it was like to sleep alone. It was one of many things he had forgotten.

It’s a beautiful day, he thought. Despite the fact that it was only morning and soon the sun would start to pour its heat mercilessly, draining people’s energy, it was still going to be a beautiful day. At least to him.

Finally, he got up from the bed. He washed up slower than other days because he wasn’t in a hurry, He thought while getting out to get a cup of coffee and breakfast.

There was a small restaurant in walking distance from his residence. He had his breakfast there while watching people in a rush. Not so long ago I was one of them. Look at me now. What's the point of rushing so much, anyway?

On his way home, he bought some groceries. He couldn’t live on takeout foods forever, and since he could cook why bother with takeouts.

Back home, he lay on the bed again with a Haruki Murakami book. Haruki Murakami was his favourite writer ever since he was nineteen. His books had a certain charm in them that never failed to draw him in. More than the contents of the book, he was a fan of Murakami's writing style. The vivid descriptions made him feel as if he was being dragged inside the book. He found the writing style very smooth and easy-to-read.

Lost in the book, he was oblivious to how much time passed. When he finally got up from the bed, it was noon. As lunch, he fried an egg for himself and ate that with rice. Then he took a nap.

In the afternoon, he went to take a walk. There was hardly anyone around his age walking around like he did. The ones who were there weren’t alone like him, they had their wives or children or both with them. He walked until the sunset, and then he returned home.

Climbing on his bed, he decided to watch a movie. After a long search, he settled on Dead Poets Society. He remembered the first time he watched the movie with a friend. That friend of him was really sensitive, and by the end of the movie he started crying. He managed to calm his friend down after putting much effort. He wondered how that friend of his was doing now. Did he have the courage to go after his dream, or did he give in to the flow of society? He sincerely hoped for the latter, his friend was quite a dreamer after all.

He wanted to call his friend and say, "Hey, you know what, I rewatched Dead Poets Society today for the first time in years and I thought of you. I wondered how you have been doing. It’s been quite a while, right? Sorry, I have been too caught up in life to check on you. I'm sure you were busy too." But he lost his friend's contact information long ago.

After watching the movie, he lay on the bed again, and contemplated about his life and life choices. He gave up on his dreams long ago. He had to when he got married and had to take responsibility his new family. Marrying her was his choice, while the choice of giving up on his dreams wasn’t entirely his. Not that he blamed his wife for that. If anything, he blamed himself. He wondered how life would turn out to be if he hadn’t fallen in love with her. He probably would pursue his dreams, but there was a chance that he would stay alone.

Well, in the end, I'm still alone, ain't I?

Being alone right now was also his choice. He was the one who decided to stay separated from his wife for time being after losing his job. Being fired wasn’t his choice, though, that was the last thing he expected. But turned out, at that moment it was the best thing that could happen to him.

After all, he got to enjoy a slow morning and a Murakami book and went for a walk and watched a movie and not to mention slept a lot for the first time in years. He forgot how those simple actions could make someone happy.

He thought of giving his wife a call, but stopped. I am enjoying my vacation. I better not call her. His wife had become a part of his hectic daily life. Calling her felt like dragging himself to that world again. He didn’t want that.

That night, it took him a little longer than usual to fall asleep. But when he slept, he slept soundly. He didn’t dream.

2.

One afternoon, he called his wife.

"Finally, you called," that was what she said upon picking up.

"Sorry it took me so long to call you. Anyway, when you get a bit free time, can you come by my place? I want to talk to you face-to-face."

"Why don't you come by instead?"

"I don't feel like leaving my place."

"Can't it be talked over phone?" she sounded tired.

"No."

"Fine, then," she gave in, "I'll come by this weekend."

He was lying on his bed when doorbell rang. He opened the door to find his wife.

"I was waiting for you. Come in, have a seat."

She sat down.

"There is something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

"It’s not your fault that we separated. The reason I decided to live separately is not because you are not good enough or you hurt me or anything like that. It’s just...a result of my selfishness."

"I am not blaming you."

"You deserve to know why I made that decision, as my partner."

"That's true indeed."

"The thing is...over the years, we have fallen out of love, don't you think?”

“It has become more like a habit, us staying together. We are not even contributing in each other's lives anymore. We live under the same roof but we live different lives. Even now...it seems like my absence isn't affecting you that much. And to be honest, your absence isn't affecting me either. Even when I miss you, it’s out of habit and not emotional attachment."

"Isn't it inevitable? Both of us are adults now, and we have a lot on our plates. Work. Finance. We don’t have room for worrying about falling in and out of love when we are at our thirties."

"But even so, don't you this we are a little, you know, too indifferent about each other at this point as partners? I decided to get separated and you aren’t even interested about why I made such a decision. I am not worrying about what kind of life you are living in my absence, either. Isn’t it abnormal for a couple who spent fifteen years together?"

"Maybe so."

"You are not even bothered by the fact that I lost my job."

"Well, I am not financially dependent on you anymore, so why would I worry about that?"

"Isn't it funny? You were the reason I decided to get a stable job. But in the end...What have I done with my life?"

She didn’t say anything in response to that.

"Tell me. Are you seeing someone?"

"I have no intention to have an affair."

"Is that so? Maybe this is your chance to find someone new and have a fresh start, now that I almost let go of you."

"I don’t want to. I like my life as it is now. If anything, you are the one who should take the chance."

"I also like my life the way it is now. I take photos and walk around the city, sleep a lot and read often. I even own a cat now."

"A cat?"

"Hmm. I bumped into a stray cat and took it in."

"Good for you."

"You should come by sometimes, you know, and we can have conversations like this is over a cup of coffee. It feels like old times but in a slightly different way."

"Hmmmm. Doesn’t sound bad."

"And just in case, the passcode of my front door is 2104."

"Our wedding date? That was such an old-fashioned way to assign a passcode."

She smiled.

"It’s easy to remember."

"It indeed is."

3.

It was just an ordinary afternoon.

He had been feeling out of sorts for last few days. The left side of his chest wouldn’t stop aching.

That day, the pain became unbearable. Unable to take it any longer, he fell on his bed, facedown. The sun was about to set.

Is this how I am going to die?

He called his wife. No answer. He attempted to call again, but stopped. She must be busy.

At that moment, wave of loneliness washed over him. He wished for someone to be by his side like never before. It wouldn’t make his pain any less, but at least he could get a glass of water or a warm hand holding onto his. He closed his eyes in pain.

When he opened them again, he felt a warm presence next to him. It was none other than his cat, the only companion in his solitary life.

“There you are,” he said in a weak voice, and gently ran his fingers through the cat’s white, fluffy fur. The cat probably sensed that something was wrong with its owner. It licked his cheek and neck, as if it was comforting him in its own way. It worked, because he felt a little less lonely.

In the faint light of dusk, he looked at the photographs hung on the wall. Those photographs were taken by him. Every single one had a story behind it. Some of them had memories associated with them. Looking at those photographs always comforted him.

Most of the pictures on his wall were of sky. He loved taking pictures of sky. He took countless photos of sky. Morning sky. Evening sky. Cloudy sky. Sunset. Sunrise. Different shades. Different angles. Different times, places and colours. He said that sky was that one thing that he never grew tired watching, as it looked different everyday.

There were also a bunch of pictures of the road and the streetlights. More than the green of the nature, the grey concrete attracted him more. He loved the city.

He wanted to hold exhibitions. An exhibition with the photos of sky. Another with the photos of concrete-grey city. But in the end, that was just a dream. A futile wish he knew wouldn’t come true.

He thought of his family. His parents were probably at one of their older son’s place. He thought of his elder brothers who were always busy with their works. Not so long ago, he was just like them. He didn’t tell his parents or brothers about his unemployment or separation from his wife. He didn’t feel like letting them know and getting bombarded with questions and judgemental remarks.

He wanted to be acknowledged. He wished his family would recognize him as who he was. In the end, it remained as just a wish.

He felt that he needed to go to hospital. He was already unable to get up from the bed and there was no way he could look after himself given the state he was in. He reached for the phone and dialled 911. Shortly after, his wife called him back.

"What's wrong? You don’t sound good."

I feel like dying, that's what he wanted to say. And I am feeling really lonely right now.

Instead, he just said,"I'm sick."

"What happened? Do you need to go to hospital? Should I come?” She said in a concerned voice.

"I have called an ambulance already. I'll call you after arriving in hospital, okay? Don’t worry about me.”

Finishing the call, he patted his cat again, ever so gently. While doing that, he talked to it, knowing all too well that cats don't understand human language, “I am sorry. I will probably have to leave you all alone and I don't know for how long. I hope someone will take care of you. If they don't, then I hope you will be able to take care of yourself.”

He kept patting the cat his fingers no longer moved. As his eyes fell shut and his breathing shortened, the cat licked him again and meowed.

By the time the ambulance arrived, he and his cat both fell asleep – while his cat was taking just a nap, he fell into eternal sleep. His breathing had stopped.

Epilogue

When the cat woke up next morning, its owner was nowhere to be found.

Later, a woman came to his apartment and packed his belongings while crying.

Soon after, the cat ran away to the street. It was a stray to begin with.

1.

"I wish I could see the stars as I die."

"You mean, you want to spend your last moments with stars."

"If you put it that way...Yeah, it’s like that. Do you think it's possible?"

"To be honest, it might be difficult for you since you are more likely to be hospitalized. You know, there are procedures..."

"Hmm. Then can I ask you for a favour?"

"What is it?"

"When I am dying, take me to the hospital rooftop so I can die under the starry sky."

"That's one absurd request. Your guardians will kill me if I do so."

"Make up an excuse so that they think that I died suddenly while we were watching the stars in rooftop. Hide the fact that you were aware that I was going to die."

"What do you think will happen, then? I may end up being framed for murdering you."

"Murder?" With that, the younger boy burst out laughing.

"I am being serious right now. You don’t want to put me into trouble do you?"

"Well, I am a selfish one and I actually don't mind putting you into trouble. You are the only one who would listen to my absurd requests anyway."

"Looks like I have spoiled you by listening to them too much."

"Is that so?" the younger boy smiled.

2.

He first met the strange boy while stargazing at the middle of the night. The boy was on a wheelchair. In the darkness, he couldn’t make out the boy's complexion clearly.

"Who are you? What are you doing here in the middle of night?"

"Watching stars," the boy answered, "I couldn’t sleep, so I sneaked out and came to see the stars. What about you?"

"I am stargazing, too."

After that, they watched the stars in silence for a while.

"Do you come here often?" the boy asked.

"Hmm."

"Then, do you want to be my friend?"

"Why? You don’t have friends in school?"

"I don't go to school much, you see."

"Oh."

"You haven’t answered me."

"Well, I can't befriend a stranger I have just met."

"Is that so? Then if I come here and meet you often, will you be my friend?"

"Are you that lonely?"

"Yeah, I am that lonely. Also, your telescope is fascinating. I was hoping to see stars with it sometimes."

"I guess I have no choice, then."

"Are you pitying me?"

"No. I am just helping you out."

That was the starting point of their friendship that was rather unusual.

The younger boy didn’t come every night. The gaps between his one visit and another was inconsistent. Sometimes it was one or two days, whereas sometimes it took him a whole week to show up again.

"Aren’t you curious about me?" The younger one asked the older one one day, "Like why I am on wheelchair or why I don’t go to school or why I disappear from time to time? If I was you, I would have had tons of questions."

"Wouldn’t it be rude to ask those questions? Especially if it’s someone I don’t even know well."

"Hmmm. But if you want to be friends with someone, you need to know them well, right?"

"You do have a point."

"In my class, no one ever asked me any of those questions. I don’t know if it’s because they didn’t want to risk being rude or simply because they were not interested in me. While I do respect someone not asking me about my condition, deep down I think I'll like it if someone asks me because they want to know me better."

"I see."

"Since you are not going to ask, I'll tell you myself. The thing is, I am chronically ill. Don’t wanna bore you with all the medical terms and stuffs and I don’t understand them well myself, so I'll skip that part. Just know that I have been ill since when I was in elementary school. It’s progressive and I need to get hospitalized quite frequently. Now it has gotten to the point that I had to quit school and stay in my bed most of the time. I have become so weak that I can't walk by myself, therefore the wheelchair. That's pretty much all there is to it, I guess." The younger one stopped to catch his breath after talking too much at once.

In truth, the older one was indeed curious, but not to the point of feeling the urge of asking the younger one to satisfy the curiosity.

"Now that I told you so much about myself, shouldn’t you tell me about yourself too?"

"Well, I am just an ordinary university student who happens to love watching stars and studying about them."

"What's your major?"

"Computer science and Engineering."

"I was expecting physics or astrophysics. I found it kinda unusual for a computer science major to be interested in stars."

"Well, it’s just a hobby."

"If I had a chance I might have studied cosmology or astrophysics. This universe and its mysteries always fascinates me. In fact, those might be the only things that actually move my heart."

"You know what, I am actually glad that that I found you as my star-watching companion. Nobody around me is interested in stars. So it’s nice that now I have someone to talk to about something I enjoy."

"My pleasure. I enjoy talking to you, too."

3.

“It’s been almost year since I’ve stopped going to school, you know.”

He didn't say anything, letting the younger boy continue.

“Not that I miss school, anyway. Ever since I was young, I have always been in and out of hospital, causing me to skip school a lot. Who would befriend someone who doesn’t attend classes half of the year?”

“Well, they could if they wanted to. I guess.”

“You know, our class had a seat planning system. Which means everyone had a fixed seat for themselves. I was the only one who didn't, since I was very irregular. When I did attend school, I had to seat in someone else’s seat who was absent that day. it made me feel like I never belonged in the class. As my illness worsened, I became unable to attend to the exams. I did study, as I had a lot of free times in my hand, but writing was really hard for me because of my weakness and other factors...So the teacher suggested I take a break from school altogether until I recover. I know what it means for me,” the boy smiled slightly, “I was a bit upset, felt like all the time I spent studying went to waste. I dedicated my time studying about stars instead. And I learnt lots of interesting facts about the universe. I realized that I have a knack for learning about cosmic-related stuff.”

“That explains why you know so much about stars.”

“Maybe because I was trapped in that hospital room for too long, I never had a real interest in anything, except for the sky. In a way, the sky always kept me company even at the loneliest of the times. The sky always watches over me, wherever I am. It comforts my loneliness when I think like that.”

That boy knew that he couldn’t expect a human to stay by his side all the time, so he decided to hold onto something lifeless. Something that won’t ever leave his side.

"If you don’t go to school, what do you do staying at home all day?"

"I stay holed up in my room and read dark and depressing stories. When I get tired of reading I listen to music."

"What kind of music?"

"Dark and depressing music," the younger one said with a strange smile, "You see, I have a fixation towards that kind of stuff."

"Masochist much?"

"The thing is, drowning myself in their pains I can forget about mine. Or sometimes I find my own pains amidst theirs. In real life I have no one I can relate to, but in fictional world there are plenty of people like me."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. Also, I spend a lot of time looking at the sky. You know, when I'm hospitalized, I have to spend most of my time looking out of window. Now it has become a habit. Looking at the sky has such a calming effect."

"Well, the sky is beautiful, isn’t it?"

"It indeed is. Soon, I am going to be one with that sky."

After a few moments, the younger one spoke again.

"Do you know that the brighter the star is, the shorter its life span is?"

"Hmmm."

"I sometimes think myself as one of those blindingly bright stars with short life expectancy. My light is dimming and soon I will explode into supernova. Or maybe I'll turn into a black hole."

"Which one would you prefer?"

"Let me think. Supernova means it will light up the whole universe, but then it'll turn into a tiny neutron star. On the other hand, black hole will keep devouring anything that crosses its event horizon. Hmm... I'd rather be a black hole."

He found the young boy's perspective interesting. From the boy's perspective, he probably would turn into a red giant and then white dwarf, if he didn’t catch an illness like the boy had. That'd be an ordinary life, he thought to himself.

His train of thought was interrupted by the sound of the younger one’s coughing. It was that type of violent coughing that leaves one’s heart and head pounding when it ends, and consumes the last bit of energy.

“I’m cold,” the younger one mumbled in a shaking voice, still not recovered from the impact of coughing.

The night was warm, despite that the younger one feeling cold could only mean one thing. The older one inched closer to the younger one and put his hand on the boy’s forehead. “Hmm. You have a fever. You should’ve stayed inside tonight.”

“I might get hospitalized soon. Who knows when I’ll get another chance to watch the stars like this again? Fever is no big deal for me anyway.”

“Less than a minute ago you were complaining that you were cold.”

“Yeah. I can’t stand being cold. But what can I do? If I start making a big deal out of it I will miss watching the stars.”

After spending some time in silence, the younger one spoke again.

“Can you come visit me when I’m hospitalized?”

“Hmm...I can.”

“You know, I have no one to visit me other than my parents. They are busy with their works, always exhausted and worried... They always put on a smile in front of me, but it shows. I don't blame them. Having to take care of a sick child like me must be tough on them.”

“Don't worry. I’ll come visit you everyday.”

“You’ll still come here on nights, won’t you? When you do, please remember me and our time together. When you look up at the stars and see a bright, lonely star, think of me. Also take some pictures for me and tell me what you saw when you come visit me.”

“Why do you sound like you won’t ever be coming back here?”

"I'm sorry... I didn’t mean to sound like that. It has become my habit to speak like that without even realizing, I guess. That's what terminal illness does to you."

"Well, no one is guaranteed to have a tomorrow, with or without an illness like yours. Even I might not be able to come back next time."

"That's true. But most people go on with their days without even realizing, realizing that one fine day they might just disappear, leaving behind futile regrets."

4.

A comet was supposed to be visible to naked eye on that night. It was a thrilling event for any stargazer, and he didn’t want his younger friend to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He texted the boy, though he guessed the boy might know about it already.

"I'm coming tonight," the boy's reply came immediately.

"You are going to sneak out from the hospital? Will your condition allow that?"

"I got discharged today, though I don’t know when I might have to go back again."

"That's a relief. Here I thought I might have to sneak you out."

He received a laughing emoji in reply.

* * *

"It’s my first time seeing a comet," the younger boy said.

"Same here."

"Might be the last time, too."

"Well, who knows. It might be the last time for me too."

"I hope not. I wish you live a long life, long enough to see another comet with maybe your children or grandchildren."

He couldn’t help but laugh hearing the words 'children and grandchildren'.

"And when you do, tell them about this one weirdo whom you met while stargazing, who couldn’t live long enough to see another comet."

"You're not a weirdo by the way."

“I am afraid that when I will die, no one will remember me except my parents. I don’t have anyone who would remember me."

“I’ll remember you. Don't you worry.”

"Thank you in advance," the younger one smiled, "You know, you are kinda like my big brother."

"Well, technically I am, given that I am thirteen years older than you."

"Seems like God has finally answered my prayer. Ever since I was young, I have always prayed for a big brother. And now I actually got myself one."

"Good for you. I never prayed for a younger brother, though."

At this, the younger one smiled, "Sometimes in life you get something you never wanted but definitely needed. Maybe me being your younger brother is one of those things."

"Wow, you are so full of yourself."

"Is that so," the younger one's smile didn’t fade, "I don’t mind. For once in my life I would like to be needed by someone. All my life I was the one who needed others."

5.

"I...want to...go see the stars."

He wrapped his arms around the boy's skinny body and picked him up from the bed. With the younger one wrapping his weak arms around his neck, he walked out the door. Then he walked up the stairs and pushed the rooftop door open.

"We're here. Just hang in there a little longer."

He sat leaning again the railing, putting the boy's head on his lap. He took his jacket and muffler off and wrapped the younger one with them. The night was cold and he didn’t want the younger one to be sicker than he already was.

"Hey. Open your eyes. You won't want to miss it after we came all this way will you?"

Slowly, the younger one opened his eyes.

"I...can't believe...that you really kept my request."

The older one gently stroked the younger one's hairs. "Who else would listen to your weird requests but me?"

"Thank...you...For being my friend...For keeping me company and coming to see me... And for taking me to watch stars tonight..."

"Don't mention it."

The older one kept stroking the younger one's hairs. He didn’t know for how long he kept doing that. When he stopped and looked down, the younger one seemed to have fallen asleep.

"I hope you are happy now, aren't you? Now that you got your last wish fulfilled." Saying that, he carried the younger one down the stairs and put him on the bed.

After that night, the boy's condition took a turn for worse. He probably saw it coming, seeing how the timing of his request seemed perfect.

A week later, he passed away.

Epilogue

It was late at night. He didn’t know exactly what woke him up, but afterwards, he couldn’t fall asleep. He got up from the bed and on a sudden impulse, decided to go to the rooftop to watch stars, like old days.

While passing by his son's room, he saw the lights on. He entered the room and called, "Hey, son, you aren’t asleep yet?"

The boy was startled. He certainly didn’t expect his father to show up at the middle of night like that.

"I was...studying."

"Wanna go stargazing?"

"Pardon?"

"I am going to rooftop to watch stars. Are you interested to join me?"

"Sure!" His sixteen-year-old boy took up the offer without a second thought. It was a tempting offer indeed, and a rare one.

His telescope, due to lying unused for so long, was covered with dust. As he cleaned it, nostalgia hit him.

That night, he taught his son how to set the telescope and introduced the boy to various visible stars. The boy was mesmerised. It reminded him of his own teenage years, when he started to take an interest towards stars.

"You know, this takes me back to my younger days. The city where I used to live in had an excellent stargazing spot. I would go there in the middle of night with this," he patted the telescope.

How long had it been since he last did that? He couldn’t remember exactly. Probably the last time was his last year at university. After that, he got busy job hunting and later, looking after his family. There was no time for a hobby like that.

"Then one day, I met this guy who also came to watch stars too. He didn’t have a telescope so he wanted to borrow mine."

"Then?" His son asked.

"He came from time to time, we watched stars and talked. That kid had no friend other than me."

"Kid?"

"Yeah. He was about your age back then."

"Do you still keep in touch with him?"

"He died at the age of eighteen." Upon speaking the words, he realized that this was his first time talking about that boy to anyone.

"How did he die?"

"He was sick...for a long time. In the end, his illness consumed him."

"That's sad."

"Indeed. That boy didn’t have a normal childhood, but he didn’t complain about it except once. Since he had to look at the sky from the hospital window all the time, he decided to study about sky."

His son didn’t say anything.

"He told me to remember him because he was afraid to be forgotten. He told me to watch comets with my children and grandchildren..." he paused. Back then, that part made him laugh. Now that he was really stargazing with his child, his heart ached. That boy who wanted to be a blackhole because he wished to take anything and everything that came close to him inside. The lonely boy who called sky his friend. The one who wanted to watch the stars in his last moments of consciousness.

How could he ever forget that boy?

I am holding a funeral of a friendship.

I cremate the memories that we had together as I set fire to all the letters and things I got from my friend with my lighter. As I see them turn to ashes in front of my eyes, tears stream down my face.

When you don’t take care of a corpse, it decays and the smell kills you. Also, you need to pay some respect to the soul of the deceased.

Same thing happens when you don’t take care of a friendship that died. It rots and eats you up from inside. So I figured I need to give our friendship a proper send-off.

In front of the ashes, I make a promise to remember our time together. I may shed tears sometimes but I will not dwell on the past. I promise to move on.

I turn away, bidding a silent farewell to our friendship.

What a lonely funeral it was. My friend didn’t even bother to attend.

Prologue

No flower bouquet.

No ring.

He proposed her with a potted sapling.

She was surprised, of course.

“A tree?”

“A sapling,” he corrected her. “I know you expected me to bring flowers, or maybe a ring. But you know what? Flowers are good-looking, they have scent...but they are fragile. Their fragrance and colours are amusing but temporary. They will wither after a short time. A ring? To me, that is nothing more than a useless piece of metal. It may get lost or you can throw it away. But this little sapling will grow over time, if we both water it and take care of it properly. It will grow...and bloom beautiful flowers. To me, this little sapling is the symbol of our love. Sometimes harsh storms will hit this tree, we will need to protect it then. Just like we need to endure our hard times together. I don't want out love to be temporary like flowers. Rather, I want it to be like a tree with strong roots and beautiful blossoms.”

She was totally mesmerized.

“Do you...want to take care of this tree...and our love...together with me?”

1.

“Good afternoon. How are you?” the psychologist greeted the man in his early thirties, who had just entered the room.

“Not in the best shape, exactly.” The man said with a forced smile, “That is why I am here, and you know that too.”

“Feel free to share the reason behind why you are not in the best shape. I am here to listen,” the psychologist said with a professional smile.

“I can be honest, right? You won't mind if I am a bit dishevelled with my words? I am not used to opening up to a stranger, you know...”

“It’s perfectly alright. I don't mind.”

He took a deep breath, and started talking looking at the psychologist’s table,

“I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel emotionally numb. It’s like, I can hardly feel anything. I don't feel happy like I used to. I don't feel sad like I used to, either. I don't even feel anger, when I used to have anger issues. I don't feel anything when I read books or when I listen to music. It’s scaring me. The only time I actually feel anything is when I eat delicious food.”

“Since when have you been like this?”

“Two years. Since my girlfriend left me. We were in a relationship for four years before my girlfriend broke up with me.”

The psychologist noticed the man’s words. He didn't say “We broke up”, he said “My girlfriend broke up with me” That means, the decision of ending the relationship wasn’t mutual.

“I tried to stay calm, thinking that if she hated being with me that much, then I should just go my own way too. At least for the sake of her happiness, I should let her go. Just when I thought I had finally moved on, something happened...”

The man took another deep breath and continued, “One day I realized that I wasn’t feeling sad for her like I used to. I thought that was a good sign. But soon after, I realized that I was actually losing my feelings. All I could feel was a strange feeling in my heart, as if a stone was stuck there. A heavy and numb feeling. And at times, it became severe. My heart started to ache and I felt unable to go on with my daily life when my heart ached like that. Initially I thought that it was the after-effect of the loss, and in time it will just go away. But it didn't. Rather, it continued to grow. I feel as if I was sinking deeper and deeper without any way out. From time to time, I feel like my heart stopped working...sometimes I feel like I am breathing but I am actually dead inside, things like that...I don't feel like myself anymore.”

He paused for a moment, organized his thoughts and words and started again, “I thought over and over about it. Why I am being like this. And I came to a conclusion.”

“What is the conclusion?” the psychologist asked.

“It’s loneliness,” the man replied. “At first, I thought it was solely because of her. I thought it was because of my intense love for her. But after a recent incident, I realized that it was actually not because of her as a person. It was my loneliness.”

“Can you tell me more about the recent incident?”

“Well, I called her recently.” He said, “And I still didn't feel anything. My heart didn't beat faster, which was unusual. In fact, unusual to the point it scared me.”

“You guys were together for four years,” the psychologist said, “that means you loved her pretty much deeply.”

“Yes, I loved her indeed deeply. Intensely. Obsessively even, I admit, but not always like that. But not anymore. Now I don't even know what love is,” he said his last words with a sigh.

“It must be affecting your quality of life badly, that’s why you came to me, right?”

“Yes. Recently, I am having trouble sleeping. I have a few friends, but I don't stay in touch with them much and I don't visit my family often, so people and relationships aren’t being affected by my issues. But I can feel it myself. At times, I can’t get myself up from my bed. Sometimes, I find it hard even doing simple daily tasks like cooking or taking a bath. I feel like if someone doesn’t push me from behind, I will never be able to take a single step on those days. I tried fighting with it for two years. All alone. But I can’t anymore. I think it’s high time I reached out.”

“Wise decision,” the psychologist said.

“I feel lost. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I really don't.” The man sounded desperate. His words sounded like, “Please help me. Save me. I’m drowning.”

“I will try my best to help you. But keep in mind, the one who actually has to help you is yourself.”

2.

It was 4 in the morning. He was tossing and turning in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He felt like he needed sleeping pills. Next time, he would tell his doctor to prescribe him some pills.

He stopped going on morning walks now. Like so many other things he gave up after she left, he gave up on this habit too. He was really letting himself go.

Why? Why on the earth am I like this? Am I the only one who goes through heartbreak?

He was always like that, getting hurt and traumatized easily. He felt that he was a weak person for feeling like that.

People might say “What’s the big deal? Your girlfriend is gone, so just grieve over her for a time being, then move on and find a new partner.”

It was easier said than done. Especially for him, who had been getting abandoned by people ever since he was young. He was very sensitive to loss and abandonment, so he couldn’t take the last blow from someone he dearly loved.

Some of his family members said, why was he attached to her so much when it was pretty much obvious that she wasn’t that much attracted to him? They didn't know much about the relationship between him and his girlfriend. Their relationship was much more complicated than it looked.

He got up from the bed and went to the balcony. The sun was still not up. He looked at the little sapling that grew to be a tree in six years. He watered it. Even though their relationship ended, the tree didn't stop growing. That means love was still there. But now it was one-sided. Or was it one-sided from the beginning? Looking back, they actually didn't plant the tree together. He was the one who planted the tree. She just watered it from time to time. If you see it like that, she just nourished his love.

But he knew that it wasn’t one-sided the whole time. There were times when he felt in his heart that their love was mutual. Or did she only choose to be with him because she was lonely, and no one else would proposed her to be his partner?

He didn't want to think about her. He wanted to uproot the tree and throw it away – far away – so that he could never see it again. But the tree was innocent. It was a living thing. It was a being in itself. How could he kill a living thing for the sake of his silly thoughts? The tree had nothing to do with their relationship.

He wished he could burn every single trace of her. Even her memories. Memories were something to be treasured, he knew. But they had turned into bitter memories now, memories that would only haunt him and keep coming back to hurt him. Did she treasure those memories? What did those memories mean to her?

He didn't know. And for now, he didn't want to know. All he wanted was to sleep in peace and to breathe easily without feeling a stone stuck in his heart. All he wanted was to feel happy again. It didn't matter anymore with whom.

Maybe he should’ve just proposed her with a ring.

3.

“Good afternoon,” the psychologist said, “How are you today?”

“Same as usual,” he said with a sad smile, and sat down.

“So, let’s start from where we left off yesterday. You told about your emotional numbness and heartache. Do you feel that all the time?”

“Well, I feel depressed three or four days in a week. On the other days, I feel stable, stable enough to go on with my daily life. Occasionally, like once in a month, I feel normal...like I used to be.”

“Have you ever felt depressed or down for two weeks or more in a row?”

“No. For highest, it was one week.”

“Hmm,” the psychologist said, “It doesn’t sound like you have clinical depression.”

“Yesterday, I thought all day,” he said, “and I listed the major changes in me over last two years.”

“Good job. Now feel free to share them with me.”

He took out a notepad and handed it to the psychologist. He wrote his problems in an organized way.

Frequent mood swings. Occur every week and stay for 3-4 days, sometimes even a whole week.

Feeling chronically lonely.

Lack of feelings – love, care and happiness. Feeling emotionally numb.

Losing interest in things that I used to love

Losing interest in eating, having unbalanced diet

At this point, the psychologist looked up and asked, “Have you lost weight because of this?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Well, you summed up your problems well. Looks like you kept your emotions in check. That is the sign that you are trying to take care of your well-being, and that helps you identify whether something is not right. That is an important step.”

* * *

Break-up. Nowadays people take this word way too easily, or so I think. Relationship, breaking up, another relationship...as if relationship is something to play around with. As if human heart is that strong to be rejected several times.

Whenever I listen to break-up songs, or read something that’s related to break-up, it always hits home. My heart aches so much that I can’t help crying. Because that sounds too much like my story. Because I know that pain all too well.

When you end a relationship, the memories you made together with that person no longer makes you smile, but they make you cry. Bumping into them into a street is no longer a sweet surprise, but a bitter one that ruins the rest of your day. You keep questioning yourself just what on the earth did you so wrong to deserve it. Your heart that was once full of love is replaced with longing and resentment.

And then comes the worst part – you have to move on as a survival instinct. Otherwise, humans who suffer from grief and loss would die of depression. That person who was once your lifeline, or so you thought, would come to mean nothing more than a stranger to you. And you will be laughing and chatting and living with another person next to you, making new memories replacing the old, faded ones.

Even I am no different. I broke up four times. And each time it hurt me more than the previous one.

The last relationship I was in had been the most serious one out of all. The other ones were nothing much more than casual dating, and they didn't last even a year. But this time I was determined to stick with her and make the relationship work. We stayed together for quite a long time...four years. But in the end...it didn't work out. I was left alone once again.

This time, I decided to give up. No more pain and heartbreak. I can’t take it anymore. I’m done with relationships.

But as I say it, I can’t help but feeling lonely. I feel a sense of longing, a yearning for someone...whoever it is.

4.

Waking up in the morning, he felt hangover from oversleeping. He hated that feeling, and he knew that he needed to consume caffeine in order to get rid of it.

He had a dream last night. Waking up, after a long while he was reminded of his younger self.

Back then, he had big, bright eyes. Those eyes were filled with innocence, childishness and endless curiosity. Anyone who saw him with that look and that expression would not have the heart to hurt him. Even at his twenties, he could still make that expression. Then little by little, it started fading. All because of that one person.

His family told him that he shouldn’t date her. Even his mom told him, “Are you sure you will be happy with her?”

Yet he didn't listen to anyone, not even to his own heart. He held onto her stubbornly, selfishly and obsessively, blinded by love. And he didn't even realize that he was losing himself. He only realized after she left.

Today, the more he remembered his younger self, the image of the boy with big eyes, it broke his heart. It was no longer him. At a point, he started crying.

To comfort his wounded heart, he turned on his radio. While listening to a random song on the radio, a realization dawned on him.

He loved his girlfriend deeply. But while doing that, he forgot that she was a different person with different personality. She wasn’t him. While he thought that his intense love would make everything fine, he didn't take time to understand her and respect her space. In the end, he actually caused her pain.

Holding someone in arms can be an act of comforting, but if you hold them so tight, it will hurt and suffocate them. Love isn’t always warm, comforting and healing. Love can be suffocating and hurting.

What was the point of realizing that only now?

He took his phone and called someone.

“Hey,” he said in a tired voice once the person on the other side picked up, “Can we meet up tonight? Are you free?”

“Sure. Where?”

“In your apartment.”

“Okay.”

Thirty minutes later, he arrived at his friend’s apartment with a distressed look.

“I wonder if the person you loved so much ever knew how much you were affected when she left. If she knew, how would she feel? Would she have left you?” His friend said to him.

He wondered that too. Had she ever realized how much her actions meant to him, how much it affected him? If she could know it someday, how would she feel?

Without a word, he lay on the bed.

“Do you wanna eat something? Tteokbokki? Rice cake? Ramen? Or iced Americano? Speaking of which, you shouldn’t drink Americano at this hour since you aren’t a night owl, unlike me.”

He didn't reply to his friend’s question. Instead, he asked, “Can I sleep over at your place tonight?”

“Sure.”

He friend went down the memory lane and thought of the old days. They became friends at 18, two outcasts who didn't belong to any friendgroup looking out for each other. After college ended, they couldn’t stay in touch for a while. Then one day, he sent a text to his friend.

“Hi. Remember me? I won’t blame you if you don't, since we were together for a very short time... I got your number from a friend of yours. I was wondering if we could meet up? I missed you a lot since college ended.”

The reply came almost instantly.

“Let’s meet.”

And that was how they reunited. Once in a while, they texted each other or met up.

His friend watched him sleep, and stroked his hairs gently. They were those people who still believed that platonic love can be strong enough, even in adulthood. And sometimes it can overflow, surpassing what you call romantic love. Just like their case.

When you tell someone “I’ll always be there for you”, you actually make a promise that will be harder to keep than you thought. Especially if you make this promise to someone who is lonely.

That night, sleeping on his friend’s bed, he dreamt of the past.

Spring 2010.

As soon as the bell rang, he headed towards the backside of the college, his eyes searched for a familiar figure.

And soon, he found who he was looking for. His friend was standing behind the stairs, his phone in his hand and earphones in. Looking up, his friend saw him and took a step forward.

“Did you wait long?”

“Not long. For fifteen minutes, I guess?”

“What were you listening to?”

“Nothing special. Just killing some time.” His friend had already unplugged his earphones.

They sat in a bench, searching for right words. Both of them were clumsy with their words. Moreover, his friend had social anxiety.

“Tell me something,” he said.

“Funny, right? Through texting, we talk for hours. But when we meet face-to-face, we go like ‘Hmm’, ‘Well’...Nothing more, nothing less.”

“It’s pretty sad, too. I wish we could’ve spent more time together.”

“But anyway, why do you stick to me always? You have a lot of friends, so why hanging out with a loner like me?” His friend said.

“Because you and I are soul mates. Like literally.”

“What?” his friend was stunned.

“We have a lot in common, you see. Plus, even though I have a lot of friends, I am actually lonely. I feel like don't belong with them. I can’t be myself when I am with them. You are the only person with whom I can be comfortable and natural.”

His friend smiled out of genuine happiness.

That dream made him smile in his sleep.

Next morning, he woke up at his friend’s place. “I don't want to leave the bed. It’s so peaceful here.” He thought to himself.

These days, he was like that. He spent most of the time in his bed. He barely managed to get himself to do anything.

After lying still for a while, he got up from the bed, washed up and went to his friend who was making breakfast.

“Hey,” he said, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” his friend was surprised.

“I feel like I am using you and taking advantage of your kindness. All I ever do is taking for you...I could never give you anything.”

“Says who? You gave me the greatest gift of all, one that I cherish – your time, your friendship. That’s what matters to me.”

“But I feel like I am not sincere....I just come to you when I need you and just forget about you when I’m done whining.”

“Hey, didn't I give you the permission to come and dump whatever is on your mind at times?”

“I don't know anymore about love...friendship...things like that. I don't get it anymore how and why people get entangled with each other anymore. I just...don’t know anymore.”

“Don't you worry. I’ll teach you how,” his friend looked him in the eyes.

“What have I ever done to you for you to be so kind to me?” he murmured, “Why are you doing this?”

“’Cause you’re my friend.”

He used to believe in those too. Giving someone expecting nothing in return, smiling when seeing someone he loved smile, crying when seeing someone cry...those feelings seemed too distant now.

“Will you still be able to hold onto me...when I’m no longer the one you used to know?” he said, almost in a whisper.

He was an overthinker. To be more exact, he became an overthinker after he had gotten into the relationship with his ex-fiancee. And because of this overthinking tendency, he couldn’t even breathe easily anymore. What if I take a wrong step again? What if I make a mistake again? What if I hurt someone I love again? I am no good.

The voices in his head just didn't give him a break.

His friend pulled him in a hug. No words, just a comforting hug. Maybe that would help him breathe a little easier.

It helped, indeed, but the comfort was short-lived.

“Are you attending the sessions with your psychologist regularly?” his friend asked.

“Hmm.”

“Is it helping you?”

“Dunno. I need more time.”

“It’s alright. Take it slow. Don't expect the wounds created for years to heal overnight. It will only put more pressure on you and make things worse.”

His friend’s words were warm.

“Remember, how you used to say that we have a chance of ending up with horrible life partners?” he said.

7.

Hey, are you happy now? Are you finally relieved now that you aren’t with me?

I am a selfish one, I know. I wanted you to miss me, to hurt for me even if it’s a little bit. Because I am not okay. I thought I had moved on. To me, you are no longer important. Even thought we parted ways, even though it’s all over now, there is still emptiness inside my heart. A void that cannot be filled. You know what’s actually important to me? The role you played in my life. Not you as a person. I know how selfish it sounds, and how selfish it is. I know that our relationship was toxic.

I saw everyone around me happy and smiling, when I felt like I don't have a single person to share my days, my happiness and my pains with. I am crying not holding onto our memories and feelings, but my immense loneliness. I got used to that. But the moment I saw you smiling with someone else, something inside me broke. I had never seen that smile when I was around.

Was I really that much of a toxic person? Did I really mean nothing to you, or anyone?

8.

“This won’t do,” his friend muttered, “You need to get over it once and for all.”

“Hey, look into my eyes.”

He did as he was said.

“If that person knows how much she means to you, then it was really, really low of her to break up with you like this.”

“It was my fault,” he lowered his eyes, “I was childish and immature, I did things that she hated...We couldn’t stay together after all that. Even after she said it’s over, I was the one who repeatedly called and texted her...she clearly wouldn’t like that.”

“Even so, was it right for her to walk away like this, breaking your heart? She could’ve stayed, you could’ve just talked things out...There must be a way to fix this if she truly loved you.”

“That’s the thing. I probably didn't mean much to her, that’s why she could walk away like that and move on.”

“See, that’s your answer. There is no use crying and mourning over someone who simply cut you off her life like that. Why do you have to be the only one hurting? If that’s how it’s going to be, then I would say it was better that you guys broke up.”

“Don't make her to be the bad guy here. I’m sure she had her own life and own problems to deal with.”

“Relationships don't work like that. Relationship means mutual understanding, sharing not only feelings of happiness but also burdens and pains. Your true partner will stay even after you act immature and show your ugly side, they would try to fix you, knock sense into you, maybe even get mad at you but they would not abandon you just because they were pissed by the way you acted.”

“But we had to adjust again and again. We couldn’t just work out like that. We were just too different...”

“If you understand that much, then stop being pathetic towards yourself. She wasn’t just worth this precious heart of yours that got trampled on.”

“It’s just...everything went wrong after she left...I can’t seem to recover from that. I don't want to get back with her. Ever. I just...want my past self back.”

“Dummy. We grow up and our feelings change. That is just a part of growing up.”

“But loneliness...Loneliness is killing me...”

“We all go through loneliness and depression at some points of our lives, you know. We face heartbreak and loss that change our lives. It’s just that for you, it came in the form of her.”

“I just...can’t get over the sweet feelings that only she made me feel...the emotions that I felt only when I was near her...That dreamy sweetness...”

“It wasn’t sweet. It was a sweet poison that seeped into your heart and soul. And now, all you are doing is glorifying her memories and your time together.”

He let out a sigh.

“All you need is to find a living, breathing person who will love you just the way you are. When the time is right, I am sure you will find the right one. Just wait a little bit.”

“As if. Who is going to love someone like me? I can’t possibly offer them anything.”

“If they love you for who you are, they won’t need anything else other than you.”

The more he talked about her, the more his friend got angry with both her and him. Angry with her because abandoning someone like him the way she did was the last thing she should’ve done, and angry with him because he was letting himself go for someone who wasn’t worthy of his intense love. According to his friend’s words, a love that intense should be mutual, not one-sided.

He fell into a swamp. It wasn’t that he wasn’t trying to get out of it. But the more he tried, the deeper he fell. At this point, he needed a hand, an external force to get him out.

That day, his friend talked to him for three hours. Trying to convince him that everything that went wrong wasn’t his fault, and the fact that he was falling into depression unable to get over the breakup wasn’t his fault either. It wasn’t easy at all. He was going through deep self-loathing and self-pity. The wounds were far too deep and were untreated for a long time. Even worse, it wasn’t his first time getting rejected and abandoned. It was his fourth relationship.

Unlike his previous relationships, this one was way deeper and he really loved her. She was the last person he expected to leave him.

9.

Her p.o.v.

I was always the perfect girl. No. I was the perfect actress.

The image of perfect girl was my persona. I hid my true self under this made-up self. And everyone fell for it. That was why I made this persona at the first place. So that I get accepted and get along with everyone, so that I can be loved and praised by everyone.

My persona of a perfect girl was attractive but dreamy, unrealistic one. I was like an idol. Just like idols are forced to maintain their perfect image, I had to maintain mine too. And so I had to pretend to be a good person, someone innocent. When in reality, I was obviously not.

Then I met someone who was different. He also fell for my persona, not me. But as our relationship deepened, I let my guard down and became intimate with him. I gave him glimpses and hints of my real self.

Why I did this? Because he was different than anyone I had ever met. He was naive, innocent, nice. He was a good person. The vibe, the aura around him...it was strangely positive.

Maybe I fell for him too. I liked him like I had never liked anyone else. But in my own way.

One day, I decided to tell him about my persona, that my real self was way more different than the me he knew. Maybe I couldn’t bring myself to deceive him any longer, for once in my life I wanted to be honest with someone.

I told him. He was so shocked that he cried hard. I thought that was the end of us.

A few days later, he contacted me. He said that he wanted us to start over and that he wanted to get to know me better.

But if I were to be honest with someone, it would only end up hurting them. The fact that I lacked affection, that I couldn’t get what people considered ‘gestures of love’, that I probably wouldn’t be able to reciprocate his heartfelt feelings... it would be better for us to break up.

I only realized that too late. At that time, I accepted his feelings. In other words, we got back together only to break up a year later.

I didn't want to be with him any longer.

We were not a good fit for each other. I had to hold back a lot not to hurt him. He kept breaking my walls, my boundaries. Maybe he did that unintentionally. But I couldn’t take it any longer. Of course, every time I pointed out what he did wrong, he would try to fix himself. But we couldn’t have stayed together like that, keep adjusting again and again.. If I were to ask for his consent in breaking up, he would obviously say no. I had no choice but to be the one to walk away. He said he would always love me the same, no matter how my real self looked like. I knew he meant it. But I also knew that he couldn’t keep that promise. I knew how much I meant to him, how much he loved me. But I didn't feel the same. It was a meaningless waste of emotions in the end. I didn't want to take it any further.

I got too tired of living like some idol. I decided to take my mask off and live being honest with myself and everyone.

When we broke up, he said he didn't want to change himself for me any longer. Only then I finally realized what I did to him. I made him go against his own traits again and again and again. I thought it was just him being considerate. But in reality, I made him fit into my ideal type.

It was the best decision for both of us to part ways.

10.

“You don't know a f******* thing about relationship, do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you have a problem with your partner, you try to talk it out first. You try to fix the problem. You don't walk away and abandon that person like that.”

“You won’t understand. Your friend won’t either. He says he loves me, if he truly does why doesn't he just leave me alone?”

“He didn't tell me to come. I came here on my own. Just like I won’t understand why you left him, you won’t understand his pain either.”

“What’s your point exactly?”

“I came to knock some sense into you, so that you at least treat your next partner better. I assumed that you are already with someone else, someone maybe better than him.”

“How I treat my partner is none of your business.”

“You’re right. The thing is, I think you should take some responsibility for the mess you’ve created.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Because of you, my friend is unable to live his life normally. I am not telling you to get back together with him, I have no right to force you. But you should at least apologize to him.”

“And why must I do that? Whether he gets over me or not is his problem to deal with. Sorry to sound rude, but that is what it is.”

“Did he not mean anything to you?”

“Listen. I know he loved me. In fact, he loved me too much. But I couldn’t and I can never return his feelings. Of course he meant something to me, otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten that far. But our relationship is over now and there is nothing I can do about that.”

“Don't you feel sorry that you hurt a person like that?”

“I do. I broke up with him to prevent him from further hurting. We couldn’t work it out. He must know that. Don't be immature.”

“I think you are the one being immature here.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you abandoned someone to whom you meant his world, without even knowing how many times he got hurt in past. You kept telling him that you went through a lot and stuff, but did you ever try to know how much he went through? People these days think that if you just say ‘let’s break up’ and walk away, things will be over. No, it doesn’t work like that. Do you know how much it hurts to know that the person you loved with all your heart doesn’t want you to be in their life? I bet you don't know. Just saying ‘it’s over’ doesn’t solve a thing.”

“I tried. I tried to keep our relationship going so he won’t get hurt. But this couldn’t go on forever. It wouldn’t be good for him too.”

“I know,” his friend let out a sigh. “It can’t be helped. The fact that I’m taking out my anger on you... this isn’t right. You know what?”

She wasn’t interested, but yet she asked,

“Continue.”

“I also broke someone’s heart.”

“And you’re the one to talk? Huh, you’re making me laugh now.”

“Seeing what my friend is going through, I see what I did to that person.”

11.

His p.o.v.

I felt a familiar ache in my chest. It’s been four years already, but every time it hurts the same. No less.

I’m feeling lonely.

For years, I blamed my ex-girlfriend for my loneliness. I had always been lonely. Then when she came to my life, I was no longer lonely. My happiness didn't last long. In the end, I was by myself. Again.

Who is to blame here? It’s no use thinking about that now. We can’t turn back time. So let the past be in past. The best we both can do for now is to treat our next partner better.

Young love puts rose-coloured glasses on your eyes. When you’re in love, you hardly see any faults in them. Even when you see, you turn a blind eye to those flaws. Every moment with that person feels like living a dream. It’s a feeling that only those in love would understand.

You try to be the very best for the person you love, even go as far to hide your true self that may be not as pretty or entertaining.

But when you start living together or when meeting up becomes regularity instead of occasional meet-up, you get to see that person from up close. You discover that your loved one is no saint or princess charming, they are just human. As the ugly side of the person you love so dearly keep getting exposed in front of you, intentionally or unintentionally. Because you no longer have the rose-coloured lens, those flaws and mistakes come to you as a shock. Your expectations start to crumble. It’s the same for the other person. Many people break up with their partners at this point.

But if you can get past that point and learn to accept the person with their shortcomings, that is the start of a different kind of love – one that’s mature and comes with responsibility. If young love is like flower, this love is like a tree with deep roots. It may not be as beautiful-looking or exciting as young love, but it is stronger and won’t so wither easily.

I guess we couldn’t get past that point. I was young and in love, I failed to see how she really felt. I took things personally and let my brain played tricks, manipulating myself into thinking that she was also in love with me when she wasn’t. She did care for me, a lot, but there is a fine line between affection, caring, and love. I couldn’t see it back then, I see it now.

When I say I miss her, I actually miss my past self who wasn’t lonely. I tried to hold onto her because I didn't want to be lonely again.

At a point I did love her for who she was. But necessity exceeded love. Our love withered long ago. I held onto her because of my unhealthy emotional dependence on her. It was better that we finally broke ourselves from this vicious chain that I created.

How am I now? If you ask me, I’ll always say the same thing.

I’m so lonely.

1.

‘Friendship’.

A word that is so simple, yet so valuable.

A word that is never meant for me.

For me, ‘Best friend’ is a relationship that can be found only in books and movies, or in some other people’s lives, but not in my life.

Friendship comes to me like a sweet dream and just like that, I have wake up from that dream, and face my ever-so-lonely reality. Only memories remain.

You know what is the worst part of it? When you move on, leaving behind the memories, and start living like nothing happened. It’s inevitable. And that is what I hate the most.

Finally, I ended up choosing to be a loner. Yes, I choose to be a loner. It is better this way.

My parents say that I am addicted to internet. Well, everyone says that. Only I know that I am not.

But I acknowledge that I scroll through my phone most of the time in a day. You think what’s the difference anyway? There is.

To me, internet is like alcohol. You know, so many people take alcohol when they want to take a break from reality. I spend so much time in internet for pretty much same reason. Not that I scroll mindlessly. I watch movies. Animes. Dramas. Webcomics. Webnovel. Things like that. They take me to a world that isn’t real, that isn’t mine. But it comforts me. Just like the author of Atomic Habits says ‘an exaggerated version of reality’. Another thing that I do is playing online games. It is a great thing to snap out of everything else.

When I open my eyes to the reality, I realize that there is a huge hole in my heart. I am nothing but a puppet in the hands of this society and I cannot break myself out of it. This thought just eats me up. I search again and again for something that can fill that hole up. I resent the reality that I live in. I cry. I scream. And end of the day, I choose to escape from the reality.

I am not a studious kid. Not at all.

When I was younger, I used to study hard – at least enough to get fair grades. But when I got into college*, I almost gave up on studying. I felt like I didn't have a reason to study, really. What good will come from studying? Getting into a university, getting a good job – will that change anything? Will that be able to fill that hole in my heart? Will that comfort my loneliness, will that help me live, will that help me break out from the reality that I hate with all my heart? Not really. Then why do I have to study like that, giving up on things that make me happy? Why do I even live?

2.

“Hey, why don't you do your homeworks properly?” his tutor asked.

“I do them these days.”

“But incompletely.”

“At least I am doing them,” he insisted, “I don't feel like doing them but I still force myself to work on them because I don't want you to scold me for not doing at all.”

“What kind of excuse is that?”

“I know you won’t understand. It’s pointless to explain everything anyway,” he said, “Getting a scolding is easier than explaining myself, so let’s end it here.”

This boy has a different vibe. He is not your typical bad student, his tutor thought.

“Don't you have curiosity for things?” at a point, his tutor asked him, “Do you study for the sake of studying only?”

“To be honest, yes. I am not interested in science at all. My field of interest is humanities. I am curious about humans and their lives, not lifeless elements or biology.”

“Then you study science because your parents made you.”

“Sort of.”

After a while, he said. “Tutor, may I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Why do you study physics? Do you have a passion or interest for it? For some reason, I don't feel like so.” He said.

“To be honest,” his tutor hesitated for a moment, “I haven’t chosen physics because I like it. I study it because it’s a high-demand subject.”

“That’s it? So you are no different than everyone else. As expected.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what is the outcome of all these? School, college, university, getting a good job – that is all we want from life? What about living?”

“Well, aren’t those things parts of living?” His tutor smiled slightly.

“No. It’s surviving.” His face was serious. “We don't really get to live our life.”

“Then what do you call living?”

“Following your heart. Finding yourself. Discover the meaning of life. Being a true, worthy human being. That is what I consider living. You know what makes us humans different for animals? Animals merely survive, but humans live.”

“You say that because you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth,” his tutor said, risking of sounding rude, “Most people aren’t like you. They need to make a living, they don't have time to think about those philosophy.”

He said, unfazed, “Do you know the true meaning of education?”

“Learning and developing your inner human self.” His tutor answered.

“The sole purpose of education is that it will make you and me able to think alike – about living not surviving. That way, you will know that there is something else you want to do with your life – something other than just making a living. Of course you need to feed yourself first, but life isn’t all about that. Life isn’t all about money and the so-called success.”

“You talk like a mature adult,” his tutor said.

“I hear that a lot,” he sighed, “And to me, that is nothing but a burden. I am just exhausted from living like this everyday.”

You are totally different from the other 17-years-olds out there.

“What makes you feel so exhausted?”

“Just everything.”

His tutor sighed.

“People hate me because I talk like that. And I wish I would have a life like the other teens out there. But what do I do, I just cannot stand how we are living the life of a puppet, seriously. As youngers, we are puppets in the hands of parents, as adults, we are puppets in the hands of society. Tell me, is that why we were born as humans?”

“You are starting to make me question those things too.”

“Hahaha. Once you start to question life, you won’t be able to sleep in peace anymore. Don't end up like me.”

He meant it. He never wanted someone else to be like him.

He had a special ability other than mature thinking capability - he could bring the deeper side of a people out by talking to them. He discovered that even the person who looked really dense, had a deep and serious side in them. And when talking to him, that side came out. It was because of the way he talked.

“You are approaching me the wrong way,” the boy said in a deep, low voice, “You cannot make me fall for physics or studying in general. You can force me to do homeworks, but that won’t sustain. What I need is,” he took a deep breath, “Motivation.”

“Motivation?”

“Yes. Motivation. Give me a logical reason to study. If I study from my heart, no one will ever be able to beat me. If you can motivate me,” his deep voice returned, “then you are all done for.”

It’s really hard to motivate someone to study who thinks like you. His tutor thought. Tutoring you is the hardest challenge I have ever faced as a tutor.

That night, lying on his bed, his tutor thought about his own life.

He never had time to think about dreams, living, meaning of life – things like that. Born is a middle-class family, he always had to think about making a living and not burdening his parents, rather helping them. He was the eldest son and he had to be a good child.

But today, hearing the boy’s words, he questioned the way he lived all along.

He didn't forget the challenge the boy gave him, either. All night long, he thought of how to motivate someone like him.

The next day.

“First of all, you don't feel like studying because you don't have an end goal.”

“That’s right.”

“Okay. You don't want to study, fine. Then do you have a plan about what you want to do in future, other than studying?”

“No. But I think I need time to explore myself, my own interest. Frankly speaking, this war between reality and my ideals all the time doesn’t leave me with time to think about something else.”

“So you don't have a future plan to begin with, right? Then that is why you should study. Because it will enable you with options, and you can choose among them.”

“I explored. But nothing meets my interests. Everything just feels...pointless.”

“How about taking a break to figure things out?” His tutor ended up saying.

“That’s what I need, actually. But do you think my parents will listen to me?”

“Do you want me to talk to them?”

“No. It’s fine. Let’s just live like this. I am adapted to it. It cannot be helped anyway.” He let out a sigh.

3.

Half asleep, he could hear his parents talking.

He was taken to hospital yesterday, because he fainted from headache. For months, headache had been bothering him. In the beginning, it was bearable. To a certain point, he hid it from his parents. As days passed, it was becoming frequent and stayed longer, beyond bearable. He couldn’t hide it anymore.

After coming back from hospital, his parents didn't tell him about his diagnosis.

“What do we do?” he could hear his mother’s voice.

“There is nothing we can do.” His father said in a deep voice.

“Should we tell him about his diagnosis?”

“I’m not sure.”

“We have to tell him.”

He got up from his bed.

* * *

The next morning.

He woke up with a strange calmness in his heart. Even the burning sun made him feel good. For the first time in his life, he embraced the sunshine instead of hating it.

Is that because I am going to die?

He inhaled and exhaled. Even that felt special to him.

He felt warm inside, instead of the usual cold and emptiness. A feeling that was long forgotten.

He felt alive.

After a long time, he felt like a human.

I am going to live every second of the rest of my life. I won’t miss out a single thing.

“Mom,” he said, “I am going to quit school.”

His mother didn't say a word.

“And I don't need my tutor anymore, too.”

In the afternoon, he went to the city bridge.

How do I feel? I feel like a prisoner who was imprisoned for 17 years and now sentenced to death, he is given one year time to do everything he wanted to do in life, to live as a free person.

Should I feel liberated?

How can I feel so when I only have barely one year left?

Holding onto the railing of the bridge, he burst into tears. He cried inconsolably. He cried his heart out.

“I don't need you as a tutor anymore,” he said.

“Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need me...for anything.”

The boy looks different today, his tutor thought. From the first day, he noticed something was off about that boy. But that day, he didn't feel so. The boy seemed normal.

After noticing, his tutor finally realized.

His expression. The look in his eyes.

All this time, he looked so cold, expressionless. His eyes always looked blank, emotionless.

Today, he was in his true self.

“Jin, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“You look different today.”

That’s right. This is the real me.

“Is that because I am quitting and you are happy for that? Just asking. I won’t get mad if you say you hated me all along.”

“I never hated you as a person,” he smiled, “I hate your profession altogether. But you were still better. You at least treated me like a human rather than a mere student. You tried to understand me. The reason I am like this today is different.”

For the first time, his tutor saw him smiling and realized that he never saw him smiling.

“Something good happened?”

He felt like crying at his tutor’s question. How ironic, he thought.

“Rather than happy, I feel more like myself after a long time. I feel free. But at the same time, I feel heartbroken than ever before. Today, after a long time, I feel like I can breathe easily. I feel like things that were burdening me are gone, leaving only the things behind that are truly important. But it costs a very high price. ”

I don't understand what you are talking about.

“You know what,” his tutor said, “I like talking to you. You introduced me to a new world, a new way of life. I am thankful for that.”

“So, you say, you actually found my ramblings helpful?”

“Well you can say that way.”

He smiled again. A smile that was out of genuine happiness.

4.

“Jin,” he heard someone calling his name while leaning on the bridge railing.

He turned to see Jeon, his former best friend, coming towards him.

* * *

Jin looked at the boy. He was so focused on taking his classnotes. Quite a nerd, Jin thought.

“Hey,” Jin sat beside him, “Why do you study all the time?”

“Because I have no choice.” The boy said without even lifting his head.

Within the following week, Jin befriended the boy whose name was Jeon.

* * *

“You always seem so busy. What’s the matter with you? Do you not want to hang out with me anymore?”

“Actually, it’s quite like that.”

“May I know why?”

“You and your thoughts...they distract me. Staying with you makes me want to be like you. But once I have started hanging out with others from my school, I feel like I should better face the reality. I am not like you, I cannot afford to live like you, I have to be successful...”

“Why does everyone treat me like that, as if I am a spoiled child who tries do spoil others too?”

Silence.

“And why does everyone treat me like a loser?”

“We have a future, Jin. We cannot live like that. Being like you means throwing away my future, got that? Our realities are different.”

“Are you telling me that I don't have a future?”

Silence.

“And so you won’t be friends with me anymore? Because you don't want to turn out to be like me? Fine.”

When for the first time in my life I thought that someone understood me, you proved that I was terribly wrong.

And Jeon never contacted Jin again.

* * *

“Jin, it’s been a while.”

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to study or hang out with your future generation successful friends?” Jin said.

“Jin, I really didn't mean to say those words back then...I know it was harsh and I shouldn’t have said those things like that...”

“It’s useless now. I have moved on already and it took me a whole year and a half to do so. You better not crash it.”

“Jin...”

“You already forgot what you said to me? I haven’t. You indirectly said that I was a loser who didn't have a future. Well, it turned out to be true. I have been diagnosed with brain tumour and only have six more months to live.”

“Jin...” Jeon came closer and grabbed Jin’s hand.

Jin released his hand and said, “It’s too late for you to care now. Let me go.”

“Hear me out, please.” Jeon begged.

“What is it that you want to say?”

“You were right. You were right all along. It’s just that I didn't have the courage to face an uncertain future and unstable life. I didn't have the courage to go against the flow like you. But I always respected you and your courage to follow your heart.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over now. I don't have the heart to get involved with you anymore. Do you know how much it hurts when after years of being lonely you find a friend and that friend leaves you like that, making the emptiness return again? When I thought you were the only one who understood me, you turned out to be no different than anyone else, even worse. You don't know.”

“I shouldn’t have done that, I know...”

“And you never contacted me, which implies clearly that you weren’t sorry for what you did to me.”

Jeon took a step back. The realization of what he did to his former best friend finally dawned on him.

There was a long silence.

“Sorry, it didn't mean to come out like that, but I meant every word I said.” Jin broke the silence. “I missed you a lot. I hated you. I resented you. You never know how much it hurt me. And you...you were still happy with your friends as if nothing happened.”

Jeon couldn’t say anything, because it was true.

“And I was left all alone, there was no one I could lean on. You were my only friend.” Jin continued.

Jeon took another step back. He felt like he didn't deserve to face Jin.

“I get it now,” he finally said, “Why do you resent me this much. And I deserve it. I deserve all the hate.”

“The first time we met,” Jin said, “You seemed so lonely. I offered you my hand because it hurt me seeing you like that.”

“I am still lonely,” Jeon said, “I don't have any best friend.”

“You will never get a best friend if you live like that, you selfish...” Jin gritted his teeth, “Life is not all about studying.”

“Fine,” Jeon finally said. “I realize it now, and you have your point of not wanting to see anymore. I acted really selfish and hurt you, who introduced to me a light, But,” he looked at Jin with a painful look, “It’s really hurting me. You asked me why I am here. I am here to see you. How do I know you are here? I went to your school first and they said you quit school. Then I went to your home and your mom said you would be here. That is how I found you.”

“I told you it doesn’t matter anymore,” Jin seemed tired, “So don't look for me ever again. I am not the one you used to know.”

Jeon felt like running away, but he didn't.

“Jeon,” Jin said, crying, “I resent being myself. I hate the fact that my life is like that. I didn't choose to be like that. If only I could live like all of you...”

“Being different comes with a price, but necessarily doesn’t mean that you are wrong.”

“Why are you saying this only now? Why do you come see me only now? Why?”

“It took me a long time to realize who you are, Jin. Really long time. I am sorry that I let you go like that.”

“Jeon,” Jin begged, “Please, stop. Go away. My head is starting to hurt.”

5.

Five months later.

Jeon walked in the hospital corridor, searching for the room where Jin was. He met Jin’s mother in the waiting room.

“You came to see him, right?” Jin’s mother said, “Sorry to say, but he probably won’t recognize you.”

“It’s better that way. It’s better for him not recognizing me.” Jeon said, and he walked into the room.

“Who...are you?” Jin said. He was looking so pale, and from the look on his face it was clear that he was in severe pain.

“I am...your friend.”

“Thanks for coming, but I...I am sorry...I don't recognize you.”

“It’s okay,” Jeon stayed calm, putting so much effort, “Can I stay with you for a while?”

“Sure. But I cannot talk to you right now. I feel...unwell.”

“It’s okay, I will just stay here with you.”

We won’t probably see each other again, Jin. I came to tell you that I have got a scholarship to study abroad. I still don't know what to do by myself, so I am taking this opportunity. Maybe I will find my way.

Jeon didn't say a word. He just stayed here.

*

“Jin,” his tutor said, “Do you recognize me?”

“Yes.”

“I still don't know my dream. But something inside me has changed after bumping into you. Now I can see the world in a different light.”

Jin smiled, and asked, “Do you still do tutoring?”

“I have to, until I get a job. After quitting yours, I am now tutoring a girl. She is smart, but she is not like you at all. She is just an ordinary student.”

“Not everyone is like me. Well, it’s better this way. It’s so lonely. It’s like a burden. Everyone treated me negatively. I didn't have any friend. And I couldn’t enjoy my life like other teenagers. I wish I wasn’t like this.”

“Being different comes with a price, but necessarily doesn’t mean that you are wrong.” His tutor repeated the exact same words that Jeon said to Jin that day.

“If I was born again, I wanted to be a normal teenager.” Jin said in a normal.

“You are created in the best version of yourself, Jin. You may not realize, but you had the power to change the lives of people surrounding you. The world didn't understand you. But you were a special one just the way you are.”

“I want to live,” Jin said in a low voice, “All my life I wanted to die early, but right now, I feel like I have missed out so many things...and that I needed to live longer to explore those things.”

His tutor just let out a sigh.

Epilogue

His tutor’s perspective

He was busy tutoring his new student when the phone rang.

He didn't even realize that he remembered Jin more often than any other student he ever bumped into. Unconsciously, he compared his other students with that boy.

How could he not?

He picked up the phone. It was Jin’s mother.

“Hello?”

The person on the other side was crying.

He understood everything.

After hanging up the phone, he said to his student, “Sorry, but I gotta go. Something urgent came up.”

Not so many people came to see Jin after his death. He was lonely until the very end of his life.

1.

While organizing her things and tidying up her room, she happened to open her secret closet.

The closet where she kept all his memories.

Twelve years had passed. But going through those things today, she felt like it was only yesterday when she became his fangirl. Her heart ached in melancholy.

Fangirling. She never knew what it meant until she met him. She thought she would be listening to him even when she would turn thirty, and even after that. Ah, how wrong she was.

She remembered those days clearly. Those days of euphoria, heartbeats, excitement. Feelings that she alone cherished and treasured. Also, those days when her friends and even loved ones mocked her for being his fan, but that made her hold onto him even more. There was a time when she thought about him all day and even dreamed about him.

Those days when she, who was never into documentaries, watched documentaries on him for hours, getting to know him even more. The way he worked hard and pursued his dream motivated her to do the same. He was her idol.

She genuinely respected him for his music and his way of storytelling. She loved him. Not like those obsessive fans who wanted to marry him, but in her own way. Like a best friend, or like someone special...

In a way, he was her first love. Not a crush-like love, it was a different kind of love that only fans would understand.

How did things end up like this?

Maybe it started when she got into college, around that time when everything got hectic. She stopped starting her day listening to his music. She didn't have time for listening to him during the rest of the day, either. In fact, she barely had time to do anything.

Without knowing, she was letting go of his hands.

Sorry. I’m so sorry I let go of you.

Today, that secret closet brought back old memories. Memories that were covered with dust.

She looked outside the window. It was raining. It reminded her of the first time she ever listened to him. She later bought the whole album, it was the first album she ever bought and she bought it with her pocket money.

She took out the CD, put it into her ages-old CD player and plug her headphones in.

Tears streamed down her face. Tears of nostalgia. Tears of melancholy.

I miss you so much. You were there for me when no one else was. How could I let go of your hand?

Today, on a rainy day, she remembered her lost love.

2.

Twelve years ago, on a rainy day.

Even though it was 10 a.m. in the morning, it looked like it was afternoon as the sky was overcast with clouds.

She was lying on the bed, looking outside the bedside window and listening to the melodic sound of rainfall. Rainy days always made her feel happy and calm, with a little bit of melancholy.

She took her phone and started searching for a song to listen to. A song that would fit the mood of this rainy day perfectly. She scrolled and scrolled until she found something.

She pressed the play button.

Followed by a calming piano instrumental, soothing voice filled up her room mixed with the sound of rainfall. She closed her eyes and listened. She didn’t even know the lyrics of the song, and the language was foreign. But she could feel the emotions of the musician, and she felt melancholy.

Even when the song ended, the lingering feeling of melancholy stayed in her heart. She played the song again.

After the song ended, she was already curious about the singer. She looked him up online, and learned that he was actually a rapper who was a member of a boyband. The song she bumped into was not a rap song, though. She decided to listen to some of his other songs.

It was the beginning of a new chapter in her life, but she wasn’t aware of that.

Even though she was never a fan of rap music, she fell for his rapping. Before she knew it, he was slowly stealing her heart. Or to be honest, it was his music that stole her heart. Without realizing, she was spending more and more time listening to his music, and thinking more about him. And one day, she realized that she had become his fan.

His music made her feel at home. And she could relate to him as a person. His songs were like a warm hug that comforted her. When she felt like a weirdo and thought no one in the world would ever understand her, he made her feel understood. When she was sinking in depression, he told her that her feelings were valid. On lonely day and nights, his music kept her company.

But like every other good things, one day she lost him too.

One sentence was all it took.

As if a switch was flipped, your mood changed in an instant. Your expression turned dark. Your stomach felt twisted. You started sweating, even though the weather was cold.

It was as if someone pressed the trigger and shot you.

You felt warm liquid filling your eyes. That's when you knew that it was time to hide. Things were getting out of your hands and you didn’t want anyone to find that out. Especially not those people who were the very reason why you were like that.

You got up from the chair and ran straight to the bathroom, not turning back to see the surprised and shocked look of people sitting around dinning table. You didn’t stop to hear them blurting out stuffs like "Hey, what's wrong? Where are you going?"

You felt nauseous, balancing yourelf holding onto the bathroom sink. You grabbed the left side of your chest to feel your heart beating violently, as if you'd run a race. You felt short of breath.

You tried so hard not to feel this. The same feeling kept you up last night. You wished that a good night's sleep would make things better, that you would wake up feeling fine next morning.

Those insincere people, they had to remind you what you had been trying so hard to forget. They had to ruin your mood. They would act so ignorant as if they were all innocent, as if they hadn’t been the reason why this terrible feeling was eating you up.

You started crying. People who never experienced these feelings would think you was being dramatic, that you was literally crying over something silly, so silly that everyone else forgot about it and talking about it so casually as if it were a joke. As if it didn’t made you lose your mind into overthinking. As if it wasn’t a trauma trigger for you.

Once you were done crying, you started blowing imaginary candles to calm your breathing and heart as well. It made you feel better. Maybe you could go through next few minute with this until the switch flipped itself again.

You got out of the bathroom and closed the door to your room. You weren’t ready to face people yet. It'd be better for you and everyone if you stayed holed up in your room for today.

You needed to be with yourself more than anyone on a day like this. Because who else would take care your messed-up mind other than you?

No one.

You close the paperback you have been reading and put it in the bedside as you struggle to keep your eyes open. You turn the light off, lay your head on the pillow, and drift off to sleep as soon as you close your eyes.

With your eyes closed, lips slightly parted and stray hairs on your forehead, you look cuter. You look calm as you sleep soundly, people, thoughts and incidents that keep bothering you during daytime cannot disturb you now.

As night deepens, you start dreaming. You mumble something inaudibly in your sleep as you dream. A single drop of tear falls past your cheek because it was a bad dream. Still in your sleep, you wipe the corner of your mouth because you were drooling. Then you fall asleep deeper.

You sleep as if your soul was completely parted from your body. Only your slow breathing, the rise and fall of your chest signals that you are alive. You sleep like that until the first sunshine of the morning peeps through your window and wakes you up.