A Solitary Wave In The Ocean
1.
‘Friendship’.
A word that is so simple, yet so valuable.
A word that is never meant for me.
For me, ‘Best friend’ is a relationship that can be found only in books and movies, or in some other people’s lives, but not in my life.
Friendship comes to me like a sweet dream and just like that, I have wake up from that dream, and face my ever-so-lonely reality. Only memories remain.
You know what is the worst part of it? When you move on, leaving behind the memories, and start living like nothing happened. It’s inevitable. And that is what I hate the most.
Finally, I ended up choosing to be a loner. Yes, I choose to be a loner. It is better this way.
My parents say that I am addicted to internet. Well, everyone says that. Only I know that I am not.
But I acknowledge that I scroll through my phone most of the time in a day. You think what’s the difference anyway? There is.
To me, internet is like alcohol. You know, so many people take alcohol when they want to take a break from reality. I spend so much time in internet for pretty much same reason. Not that I scroll mindlessly. I watch movies. Animes. Dramas. Webcomics. Webnovel. Things like that. They take me to a world that isn’t real, that isn’t mine. But it comforts me. Just like the author of Atomic Habits says ‘an exaggerated version of reality’. Another thing that I do is playing online games. It is a great thing to snap out of everything else.
When I open my eyes to the reality, I realize that there is a huge hole in my heart. I am nothing but a puppet in the hands of this society and I cannot break myself out of it. This thought just eats me up. I search again and again for something that can fill that hole up. I resent the reality that I live in. I cry. I scream. And end of the day, I choose to escape from the reality.
I am not a studious kid. Not at all.
When I was younger, I used to study hard – at least enough to get fair grades. But when I got into college*, I almost gave up on studying. I felt like I didn't have a reason to study, really. What good will come from studying? Getting into a university, getting a good job – will that change anything? Will that be able to fill that hole in my heart? Will that comfort my loneliness, will that help me live, will that help me break out from the reality that I hate with all my heart? Not really. Then why do I have to study like that, giving up on things that make me happy? Why do I even live?
2.
“Hey, why don't you do your homeworks properly?” his tutor asked.
“I do them these days.”
“But incompletely.”
“At least I am doing them,” he insisted, “I don't feel like doing them but I still force myself to work on them because I don't want you to scold me for not doing at all.”
“What kind of excuse is that?”
“I know you won’t understand. It’s pointless to explain everything anyway,” he said, “Getting a scolding is easier than explaining myself, so let’s end it here.”
This boy has a different vibe. He is not your typical bad student, his tutor thought.
“Don't you have curiosity for things?” at a point, his tutor asked him, “Do you study for the sake of studying only?”
“To be honest, yes. I am not interested in science at all. My field of interest is humanities. I am curious about humans and their lives, not lifeless elements or biology.”
“Then you study science because your parents made you.”
“Sort of.”
After a while, he said. “Tutor, may I ask you something?”
“Go ahead.”
“Why do you study physics? Do you have a passion or interest for it? For some reason, I don't feel like so.” He said.
“To be honest,” his tutor hesitated for a moment, “I haven’t chosen physics because I like it. I study it because it’s a high-demand subject.”
“That’s it? So you are no different than everyone else. As expected.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what is the outcome of all these? School, college, university, getting a good job – that is all we want from life? What about living?”
“Well, aren’t those things parts of living?” His tutor smiled slightly.
“No. It’s surviving.” His face was serious. “We don't really get to live our life.”
“Then what do you call living?”
“Following your heart. Finding yourself. Discover the meaning of life. Being a true, worthy human being. That is what I consider living. You know what makes us humans different for animals? Animals merely survive, but humans live.”
“You say that because you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth,” his tutor said, risking of sounding rude, “Most people aren’t like you. They need to make a living, they don't have time to think about those philosophy.”
He said, unfazed, “Do you know the true meaning of education?”
“Learning and developing your inner human self.” His tutor answered.
“The sole purpose of education is that it will make you and me able to think alike – about living not surviving. That way, you will know that there is something else you want to do with your life – something other than just making a living. Of course you need to feed yourself first, but life isn’t all about that. Life isn’t all about money and the so-called success.”
“You talk like a mature adult,” his tutor said.
“I hear that a lot,” he sighed, “And to me, that is nothing but a burden. I am just exhausted from living like this everyday.”
You are totally different from the other 17-years-olds out there.
“What makes you feel so exhausted?”
“Just everything.”
His tutor sighed.
“People hate me because I talk like that. And I wish I would have a life like the other teens out there. But what do I do, I just cannot stand how we are living the life of a puppet, seriously. As youngers, we are puppets in the hands of parents, as adults, we are puppets in the hands of society. Tell me, is that why we were born as humans?”
“You are starting to make me question those things too.”
“Hahaha. Once you start to question life, you won’t be able to sleep in peace anymore. Don't end up like me.”
He meant it. He never wanted someone else to be like him.
He had a special ability other than mature thinking capability - he could bring the deeper side of a people out by talking to them. He discovered that even the person who looked really dense, had a deep and serious side in them. And when talking to him, that side came out. It was because of the way he talked.
“You are approaching me the wrong way,” the boy said in a deep, low voice, “You cannot make me fall for physics or studying in general. You can force me to do homeworks, but that won’t sustain. What I need is,” he took a deep breath, “Motivation.”
“Motivation?”
“Yes. Motivation. Give me a logical reason to study. If I study from my heart, no one will ever be able to beat me. If you can motivate me,” his deep voice returned, “then you are all done for.”
It’s really hard to motivate someone to study who thinks like you. His tutor thought. Tutoring you is the hardest challenge I have ever faced as a tutor.
That night, lying on his bed, his tutor thought about his own life.
He never had time to think about dreams, living, meaning of life – things like that. Born is a middle-class family, he always had to think about making a living and not burdening his parents, rather helping them. He was the eldest son and he had to be a good child.
But today, hearing the boy’s words, he questioned the way he lived all along.
He didn't forget the challenge the boy gave him, either. All night long, he thought of how to motivate someone like him.
The next day.
“First of all, you don't feel like studying because you don't have an end goal.”
“That’s right.”
“Okay. You don't want to study, fine. Then do you have a plan about what you want to do in future, other than studying?”
“No. But I think I need time to explore myself, my own interest. Frankly speaking, this war between reality and my ideals all the time doesn’t leave me with time to think about something else.”
“So you don't have a future plan to begin with, right? Then that is why you should study. Because it will enable you with options, and you can choose among them.”
“I explored. But nothing meets my interests. Everything just feels...pointless.”
“How about taking a break to figure things out?” His tutor ended up saying.
“That’s what I need, actually. But do you think my parents will listen to me?”
“Do you want me to talk to them?”
“No. It’s fine. Let’s just live like this. I am adapted to it. It cannot be helped anyway.” He let out a sigh.
3.
Half asleep, he could hear his parents talking.
He was taken to hospital yesterday, because he fainted from headache. For months, headache had been bothering him. In the beginning, it was bearable. To a certain point, he hid it from his parents. As days passed, it was becoming frequent and stayed longer, beyond bearable. He couldn’t hide it anymore.
After coming back from hospital, his parents didn't tell him about his diagnosis.
“What do we do?” he could hear his mother’s voice.
“There is nothing we can do.” His father said in a deep voice.
“Should we tell him about his diagnosis?”
“I’m not sure.”
“We have to tell him.”
He got up from his bed.
* * *
The next morning.
He woke up with a strange calmness in his heart. Even the burning sun made him feel good. For the first time in his life, he embraced the sunshine instead of hating it.
Is that because I am going to die?
He inhaled and exhaled. Even that felt special to him.
He felt warm inside, instead of the usual cold and emptiness. A feeling that was long forgotten.
He felt alive.
After a long time, he felt like a human.
I am going to live every second of the rest of my life. I won’t miss out a single thing.
“Mom,” he said, “I am going to quit school.”
His mother didn't say a word.
“And I don't need my tutor anymore, too.”
In the afternoon, he went to the city bridge.
How do I feel? I feel like a prisoner who was imprisoned for 17 years and now sentenced to death, he is given one year time to do everything he wanted to do in life, to live as a free person.
Should I feel liberated?
How can I feel so when I only have barely one year left?
Holding onto the railing of the bridge, he burst into tears. He cried inconsolably. He cried his heart out.
“I don't need you as a tutor anymore,” he said.
“Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need me...for anything.”
The boy looks different today, his tutor thought. From the first day, he noticed something was off about that boy. But that day, he didn't feel so. The boy seemed normal.
After noticing, his tutor finally realized.
His expression. The look in his eyes.
All this time, he looked so cold, expressionless. His eyes always looked blank, emotionless.
Today, he was in his true self.
“Jin, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“You look different today.”
That’s right. This is the real me.
“Is that because I am quitting and you are happy for that? Just asking. I won’t get mad if you say you hated me all along.”
“I never hated you as a person,” he smiled, “I hate your profession altogether. But you were still better. You at least treated me like a human rather than a mere student. You tried to understand me. The reason I am like this today is different.”
For the first time, his tutor saw him smiling and realized that he never saw him smiling.
“Something good happened?”
He felt like crying at his tutor’s question. How ironic, he thought.
“Rather than happy, I feel more like myself after a long time. I feel free. But at the same time, I feel heartbroken than ever before. Today, after a long time, I feel like I can breathe easily. I feel like things that were burdening me are gone, leaving only the things behind that are truly important. But it costs a very high price. ”
I don't understand what you are talking about.
“You know what,” his tutor said, “I like talking to you. You introduced me to a new world, a new way of life. I am thankful for that.”
“So, you say, you actually found my ramblings helpful?”
“Well you can say that way.”
He smiled again. A smile that was out of genuine happiness.
4.
“Jin,” he heard someone calling his name while leaning on the bridge railing.
He turned to see Jeon, his former best friend, coming towards him.
* * *
Jin looked at the boy. He was so focused on taking his classnotes. Quite a nerd, Jin thought.
“Hey,” Jin sat beside him, “Why do you study all the time?”
“Because I have no choice.” The boy said without even lifting his head.
Within the following week, Jin befriended the boy whose name was Jeon.
* * *
“You always seem so busy. What’s the matter with you? Do you not want to hang out with me anymore?”
“Actually, it’s quite like that.”
“May I know why?”
“You and your thoughts...they distract me. Staying with you makes me want to be like you. But once I have started hanging out with others from my school, I feel like I should better face the reality. I am not like you, I cannot afford to live like you, I have to be successful...”
“Why does everyone treat me like that, as if I am a spoiled child who tries do spoil others too?”
Silence.
“And why does everyone treat me like a loser?”
“We have a future, Jin. We cannot live like that. Being like you means throwing away my future, got that? Our realities are different.”
“Are you telling me that I don't have a future?”
Silence.
“And so you won’t be friends with me anymore? Because you don't want to turn out to be like me? Fine.”
When for the first time in my life I thought that someone understood me, you proved that I was terribly wrong.
And Jeon never contacted Jin again.
* * *
“Jin, it’s been a while.”
“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to study or hang out with your future generation successful friends?” Jin said.
“Jin, I really didn't mean to say those words back then...I know it was harsh and I shouldn’t have said those things like that...”
“It’s useless now. I have moved on already and it took me a whole year and a half to do so. You better not crash it.”
“Jin...”
“You already forgot what you said to me? I haven’t. You indirectly said that I was a loser who didn't have a future. Well, it turned out to be true. I have been diagnosed with brain tumour and only have six more months to live.”
“Jin...” Jeon came closer and grabbed Jin’s hand.
Jin released his hand and said, “It’s too late for you to care now. Let me go.”
“Hear me out, please.” Jeon begged.
“What is it that you want to say?”
“You were right. You were right all along. It’s just that I didn't have the courage to face an uncertain future and unstable life. I didn't have the courage to go against the flow like you. But I always respected you and your courage to follow your heart.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over now. I don't have the heart to get involved with you anymore. Do you know how much it hurts when after years of being lonely you find a friend and that friend leaves you like that, making the emptiness return again? When I thought you were the only one who understood me, you turned out to be no different than anyone else, even worse. You don't know.”
“I shouldn’t have done that, I know...”
“And you never contacted me, which implies clearly that you weren’t sorry for what you did to me.”
Jeon took a step back. The realization of what he did to his former best friend finally dawned on him.
There was a long silence.
“Sorry, it didn't mean to come out like that, but I meant every word I said.” Jin broke the silence. “I missed you a lot. I hated you. I resented you. You never know how much it hurt me. And you...you were still happy with your friends as if nothing happened.”
Jeon couldn’t say anything, because it was true.
“And I was left all alone, there was no one I could lean on. You were my only friend.” Jin continued.
Jeon took another step back. He felt like he didn't deserve to face Jin.
“I get it now,” he finally said, “Why do you resent me this much. And I deserve it. I deserve all the hate.”
“The first time we met,” Jin said, “You seemed so lonely. I offered you my hand because it hurt me seeing you like that.”
“I am still lonely,” Jeon said, “I don't have any best friend.”
“You will never get a best friend if you live like that, you selfish...” Jin gritted his teeth, “Life is not all about studying.”
“Fine,” Jeon finally said. “I realize it now, and you have your point of not wanting to see anymore. I acted really selfish and hurt you, who introduced to me a light, But,” he looked at Jin with a painful look, “It’s really hurting me. You asked me why I am here. I am here to see you. How do I know you are here? I went to your school first and they said you quit school. Then I went to your home and your mom said you would be here. That is how I found you.”
“I told you it doesn’t matter anymore,” Jin seemed tired, “So don't look for me ever again. I am not the one you used to know.”
Jeon felt like running away, but he didn't.
“Jeon,” Jin said, crying, “I resent being myself. I hate the fact that my life is like that. I didn't choose to be like that. If only I could live like all of you...”
“Being different comes with a price, but necessarily doesn’t mean that you are wrong.”
“Why are you saying this only now? Why do you come see me only now? Why?”
“It took me a long time to realize who you are, Jin. Really long time. I am sorry that I let you go like that.”
“Jeon,” Jin begged, “Please, stop. Go away. My head is starting to hurt.”
5.
Five months later.
Jeon walked in the hospital corridor, searching for the room where Jin was. He met Jin’s mother in the waiting room.
“You came to see him, right?” Jin’s mother said, “Sorry to say, but he probably won’t recognize you.”
“It’s better that way. It’s better for him not recognizing me.” Jeon said, and he walked into the room.
“Who...are you?” Jin said. He was looking so pale, and from the look on his face it was clear that he was in severe pain.
“I am...your friend.”
“Thanks for coming, but I...I am sorry...I don't recognize you.”
“It’s okay,” Jeon stayed calm, putting so much effort, “Can I stay with you for a while?”
“Sure. But I cannot talk to you right now. I feel...unwell.”
“It’s okay, I will just stay here with you.”
We won’t probably see each other again, Jin. I came to tell you that I have got a scholarship to study abroad. I still don't know what to do by myself, so I am taking this opportunity. Maybe I will find my way.
Jeon didn't say a word. He just stayed here.
*
“Jin,” his tutor said, “Do you recognize me?”
“Yes.”
“I still don't know my dream. But something inside me has changed after bumping into you. Now I can see the world in a different light.”
Jin smiled, and asked, “Do you still do tutoring?”
“I have to, until I get a job. After quitting yours, I am now tutoring a girl. She is smart, but she is not like you at all. She is just an ordinary student.”
“Not everyone is like me. Well, it’s better this way. It’s so lonely. It’s like a burden. Everyone treated me negatively. I didn't have any friend. And I couldn’t enjoy my life like other teenagers. I wish I wasn’t like this.”
“Being different comes with a price, but necessarily doesn’t mean that you are wrong.” His tutor repeated the exact same words that Jeon said to Jin that day.
“If I was born again, I wanted to be a normal teenager.” Jin said in a normal.
“You are created in the best version of yourself, Jin. You may not realize, but you had the power to change the lives of people surrounding you. The world didn't understand you. But you were a special one just the way you are.”
“I want to live,” Jin said in a low voice, “All my life I wanted to die early, but right now, I feel like I have missed out so many things...and that I needed to live longer to explore those things.”
His tutor just let out a sigh.
Epilogue
His tutor’s perspective
He was busy tutoring his new student when the phone rang.
He didn't even realize that he remembered Jin more often than any other student he ever bumped into. Unconsciously, he compared his other students with that boy.
How could he not?
He picked up the phone. It was Jin’s mother.
“Hello?”
The person on the other side was crying.
He understood everything.
After hanging up the phone, he said to his student, “Sorry, but I gotta go. Something urgent came up.”
Not so many people came to see Jin after his death. He was lonely until the very end of his life.