You Should Be Your Light

i.

They were sitting face to face in a cafe. Both of them were silent.

“Hey,” she was the one to break the silence, “I am not going to see you for a while.”

“Why?” He asked.

She couldn’t say the reason to him. How could she say that she felt tired, exhausted, drained out from accompanying him, that she needed some time by herself, to breathe easily, to have some days without having to worry about him?

“Are you tired of me?” He said.

“No,” she lied.

“Don't lie to me. At times, I become tired of myself too. So it makes sense.”

Am I being selfish? She asked herself.

They say sometimes you need to put yourself first. But when your loved one is suffering from depression, then maybe that person should be your priority.

“It’s fine,” he said, “I will be fine by me.”

No, you won’t. Don't lie. What do I do?

“Okay,” she finally said, “I will not see you, but I will text you everyday. And you will text me, too. If things seem to be too hard, tell me and I will come back right away.”

“Okay.” He said.

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

She knew all too well that he couldn’t keep the promise once he got depressed.

She was afraid to leave him alone. She was afraid that if she left him alone, he would make a wrong choice, an irreversible mistake.

But it was also true that she needed to take her time. She was human too.

ii.

I had a nightmare.

In that nightmare, I saw you standing on the edge of rooftop. I ran to you and reached at the last moment. I grabbed your hand but I couldn’t hold onto it, because you let go. I watched you falling, helplessly.

I woke up, startled. Tears streamed down my face.

I realized that was what happened with us all along. No matter how hard I tried, my support never helped you. I reached out to you but you let go. Whatever I said to comfort, you always said, “It won’t work out for me, because I am pathetic.” I took you to the psychiatrist but you stopped taking medications.

“Help me.” Every time you said this, I felt helpless, to be honest. I knew that you needed help. You couldn’t make it out alone any longer. But ironically, the one you had by your side could do nothing but to listen. All I could do was to cry with you.

In my dream, even if you let go of my hand, till the very last moment you looked at me. I saw your eyes. They were filled with tears. They were saying, “Save me. Don't let me fall.”

How can I save you if you keep letting go of my hand like that?

Do you know how much it hurts when you have to see your loved one dying in front of you and there is nothing you can do? For quite a long time, I felt helpless; I even blamed myself, thinking that it was my fault that I was unable to help you.

I know that you went through so much. So much that it drained all energy out of you and left you all exhausted. That you don't have the energy to fight against this storm anymore.

But now, I have stopped blaming myself. I stopped it the moment I realized that I wasn’t your healer, counsellor or anything. I was just someone who could accompany you through this dark tunnel. I am not your light. I can just help you find the way to the light, maybe lead the way. But the one who has to walk towards that light is you. You are the one who has to make your way through the darkness.

No one ever told you that you were also a light. You were also a star. You lit up my world, so you can light up yours too. You brought the best out of me, so you can do that for you too. You gave me love, you can love yourself too. You are a star of my universe, now it is time for you to be your own star.

You gave me the courage to live. So now you better start living your life too. I promise I will be there for you.