I am that guy

I am that guy

Ever step on a piece of pink chewing gum?

While wearing new shoes?

To an interview on shag carpet?

And did not know?

Ever locate an empty bathroom stall?

But not one with toilet paper?

Until it was too late the change stalls?

And too early for this to happen?

Ever follow a shopper from a store?

Hoping to get his perfect parking space?

The one another car is zeroing in on?

And the shopper changes his mind about leaving?

I am that guy

I fart in elevators

I steal your food

I hide remote controls

And I never, ever will stop clicking your pen as I walk away with it

I place a single Lego on your steps for your bare foot to discover

I leave only a small swig of milk in the carton just before breakfast

I drip ice cream on the seat at your favorite restaurant

I even slow to turn right without using a turn signal into a parking lot,

Just so you can’t turn right first out of the parking lot

I make sure the pens at the bank on the ends of chains have no ink

I misplace the file you have to use for a meeting in five minutes

I leave shopping carts so the wind will push them and your car will catch them

I microwave mackerel in the office microwave,

And you know I won’t be there when you discover the mess or the smell

I talk loudly on the cell phone when in line in front of you

I leave the printer without paper

I wear too much cheap cologne

I TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPS

with too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why?

Because I can.

Because I am that guy

And you’re not