You’re here for the kid

Good thing this is in Stream of Consciousness and not Fiction because it's not Fiction. A year, I wish. I didn't just lose myself I gave her up. It's one thing to realize one day you're not you anymore it's quite another to watch it slip away day by day, seeing her go but not knowing how to get her back, how to convince her to stay. Can't beg someone to stay in hell. "You're here for the kid." Those words ring through my head still to this day. His kid mind you. Not ours, not mine. Let me repeat NOT MY CHILD. Not by birth not by marriage not by anything. And yes, I'm there for the kid, I was here there and everywhere for the kid but who the fuck was there for me? Not his father, not my father, just a fading me. I knew it was temporary, there wasn't a moment I didn't know it was temporary. "This too shall pass." Like a fucking kidney stone but still it will pass. That wasn't the question. The question was who will I be on the other side of this? What will be left of me? I left everything I loved not because I didn't love it because I knew if he knew he would do everything he could to take it so the answer is love nothing, not even yourself. Don't react. Don't move. Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't speak. Just note it. Know that you heard what you heard, yes he just threatened to kill you. Say nothing. They call it gray rocking, I call it I'm dead inside. Sitting there in hell one day wondering "How the fuck did I get here?" "What used to make me happy?" Oh yeah! Writing. I used to write all the time. I bring the notepad out, I journal, I release, I see her again. She's been there, patiently waiting with me in hell, hiding herself away. I'm smiling because she's still there. I go home with a smile still painted across my face. "You're cheating aren't you?" Such a small mind to believe that anyone else but me could make me happy. From drugs to rehab straight back to drugs. OUT, OUT, OUT! I'm DONE I'm DONE I'm DONE! Gone. Not easily, not without police involvement, not without an order from the judge but gone. I'm still here for the kid. Now it's CPS. They think they can push my buttons, they have no fucking idea the hell I will reign down on them for this kid. No idea. I am the boat that will get him to the other side of this but this is no ordinary boat, no. I'm a cargo ship on steroids with a battering ram at the front of me cause I've gone through hell just to get more hell and now you're going to get my wrath. The whole fucking world can get this wrath. From chaos and court hearings to adopted I was there for the kid. Now I'm relearning to be there for me. To have that same fight, have that same fuck you mentality for myself. One word, one step, one day at a time I'm going to make sure she's never put on the back burner again. And she's going to write damnitt, she's going to write and smile to her heart's content and she's going to let the world think she's having affair after affair. The kid is safe now so watch the fuck out.