Searching for My Soul

After sending my soul away twenty years ago, I am ready to have it back. It's not that easy though. Maybe I am searching for it in all the wrong places and I need to go within to call it back.

Sending my soul away was the only way I could numb myself to stay as long as I did. Did I stay for the sake of my kids? I should have left for the sanity of my kids. Having them see all the pain and disconnect of what love isn't. We are all afraid to trust. We don't feel safe in our own skin. We don't even know if we can trust ourselves.

Maybe my soul has been gone for my whole life. So much trauma and memories I have blocked out. I wonder what it would feel like to feel whole, to have more then just fleeting joy every now and again. I wonder what it would feel like to trust myself and others. What it would feel like to feel safe with another person. What it would truly feel like to love and be loved.

I heard the other day "Red heads don't have souls" apparently it's a saying that I had never heard. I have always been complimented on the red in my hair. Of course hearing that made me think, "hmm, maybe I never had a soul". Am I searching for something I thought I lost or sent away, but in reality it's something I didn't have in the first place. But how can I be here in a physical body without a soul.

Maybe I had just buried it so deep under all the pain and tears that I don't let surface. Like the inner child crying, afraid in a corner until she feels safe to come out, until she feels like she can finally be heard and understood.

Ms Em