Goodbye my lover
It was your eyes that first caught me
Moody brown, with a hint of violence and pain
They were catnip to my anxious heart,
Which yearned for that familiar ache
In those first weeks I was shy and giddy
High on the uncertainty of it all
Addicted to the thrill of not knowing
Desperate for you to feel it too
That first kiss was ecstasy, validation
Satisfaction after months of inner turmoil
You were mine. We had ensnared each other
Frantic and inseparable, drunk on desire
I blithely threw logic out the window
And surrendered my heart to you
Oh how right it felt, to know your scars
To see how they mirrored my own
For the first time I didn't feel broken
Or less than, or too fucked up to love
I didn't have to explain my father's temper
Or my fear of slamming doors and raised voices
At first, to be with you was pure bliss
We giggled, we played, we cooked
We travelled to foreign lands
We went to parties in fancy dress
We made a home together
Your TV, my plants, our furniture
Dinner on the couch
Groceries in the fridge
I don't know when the love started to die
It happened so slowly - it took years
Perhaps it was the moment we signed the lease
Or the first time you wouldn't visit my family
Maybe it was when I was ignoring you
Because I was afraid that if I opened my mouth
I would shout awful things, like my father
And see the hurt in your eyes
I tried hard to make it work, to make it better
But I didn't have a voice then
And a thousand small resentments festered
In the pit of my stomach and love turned sour
Still I tried, I don't give up on the people I love
Even when they make me feel small
And stupid, and like a waste of space
So I made excuses and tried again
And I know I hurt you, it was all I knew
Barbs and an acidic tongue
No-one ever taught me how to love
With grace and gentleness and respect
No-one taught you either
That is why we were doomed
It's not enough to have matching scars
When you are still drowning in their pain
And so we imploded
We smashed each other's hearts
We mauled each other's scars
Then ended with a whimper
I know better now and I'm sorry
I am grateful to have loved you
But I'm also glad to say
Goodbye my lover