4/24/2024

I’m drowning. I have been for a long time. And things keep getting worse for me. I don’t know how I’m gonna pay my bills. I don’t know how I’m gonna get all the work stuff piling up done. I don’t how I’m going to be able to give my kids a decent childhood. I don’t know how I’m going to not go to sleep lonely every night, wishing and hoping and dreaming that somehow things will change. Somehow things will get better. But there’s no end in sight to the pain and suffering. No way out. No one to save me from this. And not even a distraction anymore.

I’ve been holding the world on my shoulders for so long. And I feel like it’s going to crush me. I’ve felt this way so many times before, maybe at least once a month for the past two and a half years. Maybe even longer. And so far somehow, some way I’ve made it through. But I’m running out of miracles. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this.

World, universe, God, whatever is out there, please give me one more miracle. But give me one that can sustain me. Not just get me through this one more month. I’m emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted and have been for a long time. I’m tired of working my ass off and having everything I make stolen from me by the mother of my kids who I made the mistake of trusting with my life. I’m tired of watching my kids suffer when there’s nothing I can do to help them. I’m tired of giving all of my love to a woman only to see it be given to someone else. I’m tired of watching others find happiness while I just keep sinking and drowning and dying. I’m tired of watching my dreams die one by one while I’m left with hopelessness and suffering.

Where’s my miracle? Where’s someone who can love me like I love them? Where’s my reason to go on, my purpose, my future?

I’ve been barely hanging on for my kids, barely holding it together, and often not holding it together. But that’s not enough. Where is my miracle? I don’t think I can wait any longer. I don’t think I can hang on any longer. And there’s no amount of therapy or drugs that will help cushion me from the impact that’s coming. Unless I get just one more miracle.