51. i write too many poems about death

i will write down all of the reasons i want to live:

1. i have a mother and a father and a dog

2. i have a brother

3. there is a video game i’m not done playing

4. i have that tv show to watch

5. caroline, courtney, carolyn, and sean

6. sometimes, i think i’ll fall in love

7. i have unfinished drafts

8. i have laundry to do

9. there are so many books i said i would read

10. i should learn to speak japanese

11. and chinese and spanish and ancient greek

12. i’m going to finish my memoir

13. i want to get a tattoo

14. i want to dye my hair pink

15. i misspelled “dye” as “die”

16. I could learn to type faster

17. I could get an mfa

18. or a phd

19. or get certified in stenography and type really fast

20. caroline is going to play that video game with me

21. i’m going to get better at video games

22. my mom beat me at cards last time we played

23. i haven’t learned how to play spades yet

24. or paid off my credit card bill

25. i want to take a picture in my graduation gown

26. i have emails to send and unread texts

27. i need to go to the dmv

28. i’m going to buy new shoes

29. and move back to virginia

30. one day my brother might get married

31. or have children and i have to be the best aunt

32. i think there might be a klondike bar in the freezer

33. if there’s not, i need to buy more

34. sometimes i laugh so hard i cry

35. the saddest thing i’ve ever read has yet to be finished

36. i have so many things to tell sarah

37. i need to see hannah at least once more

38. i want a root beer float and a grilled cheese sandwich

39. i want those two things on separate occasions, so that is two extra days i need to live

40. i’m starting to miss fredericksburg (they have good root beer floats downtown)

41. my pens still have ink and my notebooks have paper

42. i need to burn those notebooks or throw them in the ocean before anyone can read them

43. no one can read my handwriting, not even me

44. i have fanfiction to write and fanfiction to delete before my parents ever see it

45. i think i’ll start collecting stamps or bottlecaps

46. i have to convince myself not to do that (i have too much stuff and i don’t drink beer)

47. i’m going to have a birthday next year and i’ll be 25

48. my mom told me i was the reason she was born

49. i have to find out the reason i was born

50. i was once a child who wanted to grow old