4/29/2024

I feel like my world is closing in on me. I got maybe three hours of sleep last night. I somehow managed to drive my kids to school this morning and now I’m alone again. Tearing myself to pieces. Trying hard not to think about anything.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything to get money to pay my bills. My wife and I are in separate houses splitting time with my kids but since she refuses to get a job I’m paying for both houses and both sets of utilities and four kids and I just can’t afford it anymore. My credit is destroyed, partially because after my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she spent 30,000 dollars of my money on psychics. I have tons of equity in the house she’s in but she’s on the deed and won’t let me sell it. I tried every sort of loan including home equity loan and cash out refinance, but I couldn’t get them because of my credit. There’s no more money and I need to stop paying the mortgage on the house she’s in, stop utilities and move the kids in with me full time. I’ll lose hundreds of thousands of dollars in equity and my credit will be even more destroyed than it already is, but I really don’t have a choice. There’s no money and this is the only way I can make ends meet at this point. But I can’t watch the kids while I work and I can’t drive them to their current school because it’s too far away. So I’d have to change schools and they’d lose all their friends. My oldest son is already dealing with depression.

Also, my wife threatened to call the police and child protective services and accuse me of kidnapping if I take the kids out of there. I don’t have any more money and I can’t get any money. I can’t afford a lawyer. My life is about to fall apart.

And then last night I got a text from someone who I’m in love with but who’s with another man and my world imploded all over again because I was trying hard not to think about her as impossible as it is. My oldest son who’s 9 looked at me and said “Dad are you okay?” I really wanted to say yes and appear strong like the father who can hold it together through anything but I said no. And he hugged me. And it was beautiful and it reminded me that my kids are all I have left. I’m crying writing this right now. My kids are literally the only things keeping me alive right now.

Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better but they aren’t and soon it will be too late. My whole life I’ve believed in God. I teach Sunday school and play music in the worship team. But I’m doubting his existence. Or if he does exist, I’m not a part of his plan. I’m attrition. I‘m the sacrifice that’s made so other people can be happy. And I just suffer in agony. I’m not Jesus. I’m not Moses. I’m not Job. Hell, I’m not even Jonah. I’m not a great man. I’m weak. I curse at God and hate him right now. I’m falling apart and he’s letting it happen. And nobody can do anything to help me. And I can’t help myself. I’m just imploding. I’m staying alive because of my kids. Does that make me strong? I don’t think so. I don’t feel strong.

I feel old. I feel unwanted, discarded, unnecessary. Except for with my kids. I know they need me. So I somehow have to find a way to survive through all of this. And even be there for them. Be a parent for them. Maybe one day they’ll appreciate all the pain and suffering I’ve gone through, all the sacrifices I’ve had to make.