Totally Real Reviews Of My Last Book

I would like to assure you that all of these are TOTALLY 100% real reviews of my new book, “I HATE Your Prophecy“.

I mean…as you should know by now…

…a Dark Lord wouldn’t LIE, right?

“I thought a satirical apocalyptic Dark Lord novel would make me want to drink. Unfortunately, I accidentally knocked over the bottle of whiskey onto the tome. Undaunted, I drank the book. It had a honey sweetness going down, and then a kick like a giant mutant mule with a bad temper and very, very heavy metal shoes. Seven stars out of five; would drink again.”

-Charles Dickens

“I was somewhat worried, having read the author’s books and found them to be made entirely out of tricksy stuff, namely, words. I thought he might have repented and be seeking redemption, but what’s that I see in this book? That’s right…more words. the author is clearly beyond hope. I put the damn thing down and went to go watch more videos about people yelling at each other.”

–Jean-Paul Sartre, famed comedian

“Sir, you shall be hearing from the Elvish Court shortly.”

~Gimli, Elf King

“Do not attempt to place this object on your head and use it as a Sorting Hat. I found out the hard way. Please don’t ask what the hard way was. I’m giving this book five stars, on the condition that the author takes it away and never lets it near me again.”

–Catherine the Great, pop star

“I literally could not put this book down because I temporarily forgot how hands work, and also, I’m a giant lobster and don’t have hands.”

–Arya Stark, motivational speaker

"It's more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. Although it turns out that filling barrels with monkeys is actually a violation of a number of animal rights laws, even if the monkeys themselves very much enjoy it."

~The Man With The Yellow Hat

“This is definitely one of the two best novels I have ever published.”

–Jeff Mach, professional burrito

“On the one hand, nobody would want to read this weirdo’s idea of a fantasy universe. On the other hand, I’m from the future, and I can assure you that George R. R. Martin’s “Ice and Fire” thing was never finished, so you might as well blow your cash on this.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien, Elder God