5/3/2023

So a few nights ago I had this dream my penis fell off and I sort of positioned it in my underwear and acted like there was nothing wrong even though I had blood all over my pants. I was with several friends from my various bands when it happened (who happened to be the people I was hanging out with earlier that night in real life). So I spent the rest of the dream looking for a hospital so they could reattach my penis. For some reason it seemed like a fairly normal thing and I wasn’t too worried about it. But then I woke up and was happy I was just dreaming. Of course I did check my pants. Yup. Penis still there. Not that it’s being used for much lately, but at least the possibility is there. Maybe I’d be better off without it actually at this point. I mean I already have four kids, can’t really get laid, and when I do it tends to be short lived and turns into more of a fiasco than anything else. But that’s another story, so back to the penis falling off dream.

So as with any dream, I started thinking about possible meanings and scoured the internet. As you might expect, this is a common dream and lots of guys have posted about it and lots of dream guru types have written essays about its meaning. Let me start by saying fucked up dreams are normal for me. When I was real little I dreamed about a little girl named Mee who lived in a tree (coincidence there?) in a place called Mee land, and I would go to her whenever I had problems and she’d talk to me and help me through them. She became my first imaginary friend. But after that, fucked up dreams were the norm. Mee disappeared and was replaced with “me” jumping off hills and trying to learn to fly.

I was generally trying to fly away from evil monsters who were terrorizing the town I lived in. They were usually insects or similar like giant spiders/moths/dragonflies and stuff like that. The better I got at flying, the monsters became monsters that could fly and as I learned to fly faster they’d fly faster. I could never quite get away from them. There were giant loins attacking Columbia Mall also, and people with guns and diseases and plagues, you name it. Whatever it was, I could never get away from it, and I’d be helping whoever my crush was at the time but in every dream the damsel in distress ended up dying a gruesome death and it was just me trying to escape in the end.

I remember one dream that was particularly disturbing where there was this young girl, like 8 maybe, who only had skin on half her body. And I remember her fucked up face, half of it with bone and muscle and no eye, saying “why didn’t you save me?” I could never save the people but I could escape myself as long as I kept flying. Until I learned how to control my dreams.

I was being attacked by swarms of dragon insects so I snapped my fingers and they all became hot women who wanted to fuck me. I was in college and there was a plague killing everyone I knew. I snapped my fingers and we were all relaxing in the Bahamas. And at that point I knew I was dreaming and I woke up. So my dreams started getting more normal and mundane. Like I’d dream that I got up to go to the bathroom. And since it was so mundane I couldn’t figure out I was dreaming.

But then the teeth falling out dreams started. My teeth were falling out of my mouth and I couldn’t keep them in place. And there was always a mirror so I could watch them fall out. In one dream I was in a cave and of course there was a mirror there. And I had the “I’m in public and l don’t have my pants on” dreams. There was one dream where I didn’t have my pants on and I just stopped giving a shit. I was just like “Yeah, whatever, I don’t have pants on.” And everyone was looking at me and I just didn’t care. I just smiled and waved with my dick hanging out (it was still there in those dreams). That was probably my last not having pants dream.

And the “I’m in class but I forgot I had class and I haven’t done any work for this class all semester” dreams. Shortly after my separation I started having dreams about this girl Sheila but I’d always wake up right before we could go on our date. Then there were the dreams about the woman I’m currently in love with who’s with another man. Half the time she’d be like “why am I even in this dream? There’s no reason for me to be here.” And I’d be like “Yeah. I agree. What are you doing here?”

And now the penis dream. It was the first dream I’ve had in a long time that the girl I’m in love with wasn’t in. So according to my research, dreams where your penis falls off can have lots of meanings, but most of them mean you feel like you’re being emasculated or you’re going through a break up. Now I don’t really give a shit about my wife anymore so I doubt it’s about her. It’s probably about this last girl I was with even though we never really dated so it wasn’t really a breakup. But it’s the closest thing I’ve had to a relationship since my separation two and a half years ago. Man I really hope these missing penis dreams don’t become a thing for me.

So there you have it. All that writing about dreams to say that I had a dream that my penis fell off to commemorate the five month anniversary of the last time I got laid. Yippee! Play the noisemakers and throw the confetti. I guess it’s all about the journey though so whatever.