Big but yet so small
When I was younger, what I wanted to be when I grew up was an Astronaut. I was the weird kid who dressed up, while everyone dressed up as nurses and teachers. I admired space, the galaxies, the stars… because I always felt since I was a little kid how big our existence is in this world.
As I grew older, my interests grew to art and clay. Van Gogh was an inspiration in art class because he painted what he felt, not what he saw. As my imagination grew deeper.. i realized not everything we see is pictured as reality. It goes a lot deeper than the naked eye can see. I loved poetry for that same reason..more of the ability to express what is inside the heart from a language only our souls feel. English was my favorite class. To learn outside the box and not from a textbook. Music, the piano..the love for classical music. As I still listen to piano covers to soothe me to sleep.
In reality, I’m only 4’8, but feel like my soul is bigger than my existence. I was always the odd one out for this reason.. I never really understood the importance of materialistic things, but experiences. The love for black and white movies. The history. To see beauty in things that are overlooked, like an old building. The stories beyond this world that people experience, or maybe even experiencing yourself that feels lonely.
I could say I get it honestly, but theres a whole lot of me that feels like I’m not made for this world. Leading me to feel smaller than a grain of sand.
Because despite what my interests are, the desire to grow and learn, what’s going on inside my heart, or who I am as a person and learning to be comfortable because I know myself… There is always that lonely feeling of not belonging and the fear of never will. As if I’m not meant to be understood. To only exist as a part of someone’s story for a glimpse, but not wholeheartedly as a book. Only a chapter. To feel so big inside, but overlooked and overshadowed on the outside, a placeholder… that feels so small and insignificant like a bookmark to a page.