STRESS MESS

The stress that is enveloping me is the fear of not knowing when these stress attackers will come to visit me again. They can surprise you at any moment - uninvited guests that have no boundaries and have unlimited brazenness. Their name is widespread amongst those who have been stricken in the past by this enemy, a gang known as'The Stressors.' They usually attack without any warning and take no heed of your pleadings to "go away, not now." They are a powerful gang and have complete control over their victims. They barge in unannounced and spread paralyzing fear to those who are most susceptible to their war- like attacks. They can break the strongest of men and take no heed of your status in life - whether you're rich or poor, strong or weak, young or old, male or female, college-educated, or a high school dropout. They can visit you for several seconds, countless hours, or remain for years and years. The damage they impart can be temporary or permanent.

You may receive some subtle warning that they are on their way to get you. Your breathing accelerates, your palms feel moist and you try to utilize resources that have helped you in the past. Some people have the strength and the luck to be successful and the enemy is forced to go into hiding/remission. But others, like me, have failed in the past and know that this time, 'The Stressors,' will win this war and that I will be powerless to confront or stop them. The full-fledged panic attack begins. My heart rate increases and rapidly goes out of control. I have tried counting the beats of my heart but I become so stressed out that I cannot concentrate and am unable to count past one hundred. Next, they climb into my chest and turn the volume of my beating heart up so loud that I can't hear myself think. Can you hear it from across the room?

The gang makes my now fragile heart pound so strongly that it pushes against the fabric of my shirt and I am positive that at any second it will rip apart, exposing my bare skin to the chilliness that has suddenly swept through the room and that all eyes will be upon me. I am now so cold that I can't stop shaking; my knees are knocking together and my teeth are chattering. What magic have they used to make my palms so wet? Palms so slicked with sweat that the papers I was holding have disintegrated into a messy mass of pulp. My limbs start to quiver and I am afraid that I will fall down and you will laugh at me.

The worst is the breathlessness - I know I am dying, but if I call 911 again they will most likely bring that psychologist in to talk with me and pretend that I am not nuts, but only need 'to rest a bit' in that brick structure down the road. My stomach is wound up so tight that it feels like a spring that is ready to release itself and tear my insides apart. I wrap my arms around myself and try not to cry. I feel a little sense of relief when I realize that my mouth is so dry that I couldn't cry or speak a word if I wanted to. My teeth ache from clenching them so tightly together and my nails have dug into my palms and have caused drops of blood to fall. Help! Am I going to bleed to death?

This mess of stress is trying to control my life and the nasty gang of Stressors is attacking me more frequently. I've spoken to doctors and have taken their pills. I've attended those 'mindfulness' and 'meditation' classes and have read hundreds of self-help books. I've tried so many breathing techniques that I've lost my breath. Nothing has worked to beat this relentless gang.

I want to go online and look up 'Stress-Busters' but I get so stressed that I might tap the wrong key that I can't make myself do it. But, I will somehow find the strength to click on the 'send' button and send this to you. Please let me know if you receive this - if not, I will be awake all night, wondering if you received this.

Thank You.