40 Min A day at least for today

So today I made another dumb decision you only make when you think somehow the you that makes it will be different from the you that does it. As if your life is a part time job and you hope the next guy does it better, has more respect for the customers, more respect for the work itself. But i watched a video that spoke about the exact same thing I'm describing. A lack of consistency, or more accurately a lack of stewardship like my life is a public bathroom. The man on the screen said: "in order to be consistent, you have to realise that there is no consistency in you". And i just thought to myself well future me is a bigger loser than current me. I mean who even does stuff like that, if you find a public bathroom with stains and a cloth the previous guy used to clean it; you don't piss on the rag, right?

Anyway I thought i'd put a little more effort into my "write 40min a day" practice. Yesterday i did it while laying on my back whispering into the phone as google text-to-speech tried to write down my thoughts. Today I'm sitting by the computer typing on an old HP keyboard that makes noises that nerdy people pay decent money for these days. (don't know if it's the sound or the way it feels but these new keyboards are too mushy)

I thought I'd put more effort into it, more of myself into it even thought its not all of me, it's enough to one up whatever prick I wake up as tomorrow. As I battle with the thought that I have no idea what that guy is gonna do, I start to realise that by definition I get worse by the day. Meaning at some point it started going down hill. When did that happen, it's not that i can't imagine where i went wrong, I can't pinpoint a time when I didn't.

If there is one day I remember as the beginning of my descent, it's the day I got locked in a class as a punishment and I jumped out the window. Now that I think about it; its not that i got in serious trouble (that happened too often) it's the fact that i didn't understand what i did wrong. Till this day I don't regret it, but i remember the me who would've definitely hated doing that and felt horrible that he did it.

Whatever happened to that guy, the incident I speak of here happened when I was like 9 and every year since then I've similar events where I do something "bad" (or at least something that required a disciplinary hearing) up until my rampage of bad decisions started to leak outside school. Trouble with police, trouble with the community, excessive drinking, smoking, fighting at the time these felt like accomplishments.

Ask any of the degenerates i hung out with and they'd agree, my horrible habits were a badge of honour. I now realise I didn't start the timer or check the time.

But anyway whatever happened to that guy, the guy who wanted to impress his parents. The guy who likes Sci-Fi, nature and computers. I used to see him from time to time when i was sober he looked scared. One day I stopped seeing him, I thought he just became me, the new me. I now realise he's dead and the guy who replaced him doesn't care if he comes back but I kind of miss him.

Who am I? I should be the guy who's typing but it feels like i'm the guy who's watching. I feel like the part time job like the public bathroom thought I have alot of control of this guy today I have no idea what the guy after him is gonna be like. I just hope he comes back here so iatleast know what he's thinking.