Today was a good one, had fun with my nieces and nephew, played video games, all day I had to planned to have fun outside, but the weather didn't permit it. Glad I still can have fun; thought I'd feel guilty for not doing something productive. But it was a good change of pace, I just wish I wasn't so tired I wasn't my usual energetic self. Hopefully they don't think I was mad at them or anything.

I am really tired I've written a few words but I've been writing for 10 minutes. Let me list some of the thoughts and ideas that were floating in my head:

1.)The body has its limits but often what we perceive as limits are just alarm bells telling us not push further to avoid any damage or discomfort, you can push past those perceived limits, but you must be ready to deal with the consequences.

2.)My desire to start a business and abondon the passion I dedicated my life to is just me taking the easy way out, It's just another form of running away from emotions disguised as a rational decision.

3.)I haven't grown much in the past few weeks I only became better at being honest with myself and noticing my flaws. I can't carry on this way I need to prove myself to myself.

4)I can feel myself slowly becoming more complacent, I'm negotiating with the better parts of myself to just "let loose" "relax" "give myself a break", just this once etc. It's easy to fight the feeling now, but if I'm asked by someone else my people pleasing and fear of disapproval might be enough for me to cave in.

5.)I don't have a third gear I'm either barely moving off or flying down a highway. What I mean is I can't be in the middle whether it's a disagreement, a simple decision or a couple drinks, I can't really moderate.

6.)Whenever I do something I'm quick to quit as long as I'm not bored I'll keep doing it but If I start having any doubts or I'm no longer entertained I convince myself to stop.

Well I'm at 12 minutes now, for the sake of discipline I'll keep going. I'm tired I keep dosing off, did twice the physical work today even though I had the time, feels good, but I realise I don't get the right amount of sleep. Or at least quality sleep according to "experts".

7.) I almost always over promise, I offer too much, sometimes I offer things I can't provide, I need to learn to bite my tongue or handle whatever caused me say I could provide a freind of mine with a phone. I believed it at the time and I do want her to have a phone but....

8.) I prioritice the wrong things, things that do nothing for me..

20 seconds left.

9.)......

Didn't feel like writing today, I have nothing to say but for thew sake of consistency I must continue this practice. I must continue even when I'm this tired and dozing off as I write. 40 minutes, that was the promise, to be better; even a little, that was the goal. I hope my writing has improved after all this time; I am better at thinking through my fingers as I type but I don't know if I improved from a reader's perspective. Not that I expect anyone to read my endless complaints and constant diverging.

I do this for me more than anything, to understand where I am today, what I'm thinking today, who am I today. When I write I can think clearer faster, it allows me to better understand myself, see the inconsistencies in my everyday actions, how often I change my mind, how my goals change; why they change. Writing like this is very different from the writing I was forced to do at school I enjoyed it but not like this. This is different I don't need to sensor myself I don't need to make sense.

The best part of this is I have no preparation so even I don't know what I'm going to write. The timer is rarely set simply because I can write so much faster now that 40 minutes would be too long, so I set a limit of about 700 words. 700 pieces of information that only make sense when placed in the right order, 4000 symbols that span the Glode through a system of interconnected systems that form the biggest communication network ever. Symbols that are only useful here and now, symbols that turn the electrical signals in my brain into something that a totally different organism can understand.

14 minutes left on the timer I set it this time because I have nothing to say, plans to finish this IT course I'm doing, plans to rebuild my skills as an entrepreneur, all these things are just a matter of time. Time is something I learned to have a new relationship with, it used to be something that I used to buy, or waste. I never really used it for myself, it always felt like more of an obstacle, I had to buy time when I couldn't meet deadlines, I had to pay people for their time, I had to kill time when I was bored. For the first time in my life, time is working for me, hopefully soon I'll have people pay me for mine.

Hopefully I'll be able to upscale my skills faster than I did this IT course, hopefully I get a job in the meantime. Did I mention I need to become fully independent in 4 years, anyway the goal feels like it's unattainable now. I've done harder things that that (is that confidence i hear) I should be able to some way to make money in all that time.

But I can't be complacent the future me is not someone I can easily predict or control, he's an irrational man, a man who acts emotionally I can't trust him to do anything. Here now, today is my only chance at improving....2 minutes left. Today I'm a little slow, but it's fine I did my part besides It's not like 600 words is that bad anyway.

I'm really into poetry latley so here's a poem I heard from Dry creek wrangler school:

Am I inside looking out

Or outside looking in?

And can I help but doubt,

That I’m ever going to win,

If I cannot tell whether

I am the spectator or the sport?

This world is very fast,

But I am frightful slow.

Yet I hold onto the past

While in my heart I know

That the past gets left behind

With any fool bound to it.

But my ways are still my ways.

Cause whose else can they be?

So I will weave today

On a loom I built for me

A cloth both course and rustic

With a pattern vaguely primeval.

19 seconds left . ....and like that I'm done.

I don't think I can reach any form of success in music, it's too dependent on who you are. I don't think I can be that person. I don't think my music is that good, not that I think I'm not capable of selling a few concert tickets or getting a decent number of streams, I don't think it's possible for me to be in a position that depends on people liking me. Maybe this is based on insecurities maybe this is me trying to avoid my fear of other people's opinions (my constant need for approval), MAYBE I'm making the biggest mistake ever.

I don't care anymore; I can't keep trying to beat this feeling. The feeling that I am not enough. I can't stop feeling like no matter where I go, who I'm with or what I do I am lacking something fundamental to human experience. I am less than, I always have been (at least according to me), maybe in the future I might be able to be something. Now I am nothing, but it doesn't have to be this way, I can still find success as long as I give the results required of me (never had a problem with this). If I can do all the right things meet all the right people and put in the right amount work (as much as I possibly can) I can still live a decent life, a life I might not absolutely hate.

I came to this realisation after I decided to make a clear plan. Instead of trying to juggle everything I decided I should focus on one thing and that thing was getting a house so I don't end up on the streets when my mom retires, and a car so I can get around without having to dedicate so much time to transporting myself. The only way I see this happening is through a business, particularly because even if I fail, I won't hate myself for it, I can always start again, as long as I'm alive I can always keep trying. The beautiful thing about a business is that it doesn't matter who I am, I don't have to be relatable If I just have a superior product, a unique selling point and I can get a somewhat consistent client base I can make it.

This isn't a decision I made on a whim, I've studied business in school and if I didn't fall down a pit of despair I would've studied it in college I was planning to either double down and get an MBA (unlikely) or find an easy enough entrepreneurship course (or whatever they called the bridging course) and a get an internship in a company I could learn from.

Anyway, the thought of having a successful business makes me feel more hopeful than getting a job and just withering away at some desk. The thought of one day having something other than money and time, actually living a life I can be proud of feels good. I haven't felt hope in a while it feels good, and for the first time in a while I actually believe I can succeed.

The first step is upscale my skills, I'm not at a position where I can provide significant value to any person or organization. I need to become someone that can help, then I will help as many people as I can to the best of my ability once I can provide a service worth something, I'll find a way to monetize it.

The first thing I thought when deciding i should shift my focus to starting a business, was why don't I leverage the skills I've learned after years of doing music, why don't I help people in that way. The problem with that is that I don't believe I can help anyone in that way, and countering that strong belief system is something I've been struggling with for way too long. Also, I hate working with creatives, I can't take their ego's it's too much for me Especially since I can't empathize with their feelings of grandiosity (maybe that's not true).

Here's a poem (cos why the hell not):

I have learned a lot

But all I know for sure is that I still now nothing

I have seen a lot

But everything I've seen has always been right in front of me

I have done much

But it always felt as if I was bluffing

In trying to find myself

I found out i am nothing

nothing but a blank canvas

a teddy bear with no stuffing

a shell a.......... well you get the gist

It took 10 minutes of staring the screen to start typing. I'm so tired I need to find a better way top do all of this. A better way to exist, I'm not sure what that looks like or even where to start but based on how progress has been slowing lately, I need to find a better way. I also noticed how my efforts aren't focused on a particular goal instead it's some sort of soft focus on who I want to be. I think I'll find more success that way.

I also have observed that I internalise the wrong things, I'm a little too hard on myself thats gonna take to long to work on. Because of my soft focus and unclear goals instead of exposing myself like I said I would, I only changed my profile picture to my face. I guess it counts but .... who am I convincing.

I'm speaking with more people and no longer as socialy anxious but I feel like as sooon as i go out I'll crumble. Whenever I have to face hardship I crumble, I fold, I'll look for ways to overcome it but right now it feels like a matter of practice and experience.

Hopefully I can carry yesterday's hope and optimism into tomorrow cos I don't see it today.

I had a conversation with one of 3 friends, honestly, they're more like family at this point. We spoke about the fact that we have 4 years to make something happen. I've been extremely shy about showing my face on camera. I don't think I've ever posted anything personal on social media.

I have no idea how this fear of mine went under the radar when I started this whole self-improvement journey. I have to do something; I have to get over it even if its under a different name I have to put myself out there. Honestly, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it, I ... I hate the fact that I actually care what people think. It's the one thing I can't seem to be able to shake, no matter how hard I try it's just....

I don't know if I can overcome it tomorrow but i have to try even if it's just a picture. I can't believe I still have this problem afer all the work I put into myself, am i weak or something it's not like I'm afraid of peoples opinions everywhere. It's just that the thought of exposing so much about myself is..

Now that I think of it I was initially afraid of exposing my poor living conditions, I didn't want people to look down on me.

On top of that I'm extremely insecure about the way I look, but all of that has to be put to the side for now I have to post myself. I have to get over this, there's no way this can continue if I am to become the person I want to be I have to overcome this. This is a minor part of my plan but somehow it's been the biggest challenge. Silently Influencing my decisions from the back of my mind.

How much more is there that I'm hiding, what else am I suffering from in discreet? Is there a way to find out or is it just something that only exposes itself when things go bad. I have to get more aggressive, no matter what I have to continue with a new ferocity, I need more of everything. I keep forgetting why I started this journey, but I'll never forget this feeling.

It hurts but a different pain than usual sadness or heart break it burns like I made a fatal mistake, like I did something bad it feels closer to regret. I haven't felt this in a while, I think the last time I felt like this was the first day of high school. I felt like everyone was staring at me and they could all see that I wasn't enough. I was never enough at least according to my own estimate, and it feels like everywhere I go everybody knows that.

It ties back into the whole: if I got married, I'd be complete, I feel like I was enough for one person (my wife) I wouldn't need to be enough for anyone else. What's enough, well I don't have a specific metric, but I know it's not me. Part of me feels like I'll never meet someone that I might see want to marry or even date longer than a few weeks, because I'm not enough.

One day long ago, I made the decision that I wouldn't let other people ruing things for me but I never really thought of why I did that. I never got into why I think I'm not enough, why I feel like I have to do more just to be on the same level as your average person. Anyway I also folded today when the power went out AGAIN at least I'm here this time. Today's state of mind didnt go to waste. Hopefuly I keep doing this It's been a huge eye opener. Hopefully whoever I wake up as tomorrow posts that picture.

So yesterday There was a power outage and because of that I could not continue my studies this meant I "HAD TO" do something to pass the time. I chose watching anime as this was the easiest thing to do, I could've done something outside (despite the cold) I could've.... well, you get the picture. It's past now the older me (from last week) would've made this whole post about the past; I now see how bad that is. Not in the sense that I have to live in the moment but because I have so much to share in the present moment and I could lose it if I don't express it now.

Anyway, yesterday made me realise that as soon as I face hardship, difficulty or even slight resistance I respond emotionally extremely emotionally. I start to give up on everything, start questioning every aspect of what I'm trying to achieve and throw a tantrum like some sort of baby philosopher. Till a few minutes ago I was considering going back to my degenerative ways, not because I wanted to but because I just didn't want to fail again. I hated the idea that I tried to be disciplined but failed, my excuse was valid (as all excuses are) but it still was not worth falling of the horse.

Today I realised just how hard it is to get back on the horse, it took me an hour to do 30 minutes of work. I wasted so much time hating/doubting what I was doing. I would've been better off focusing on something else and just waiting for the negative emotions to pass (maybe not the best way but it works so well it's like magic). By waiting I don't mean avoiding I mean literally listening to my complaints but instead of acting on them just waiting... next thing I know I'm back to normal as if it never happened.

Anyway, I watched something that spoke about killing my past self or rather my present self. This whole time I've been trying to co-exist with the guy (the present/past me) assuming he would change his ways and getting disappointed when he doesn't. If what the man on screen said was true, then I need to make sure I never see my past self again. The man on the screen also spoke of going all in, something I'm extremely familiar with but, not for the right reasons.

This inspired me to stop trying to improve all these different aspects of my life and tackle them one at a time. I don't know why I didn't think of this, it's not like I was doing well trying to juggle all of these things. Naturally I understand that neglecting parts of my life is a bad idea... but f**k it.

I'm going all in with in with my studies, exercise and improving my discipline, I can't see this going well in the long run, but I should be okay if I neglect a month of social activities.

I don't think I have much more to say, yesterday was a disappointment, today was tough tomorrow has to be better.

Can good people become extremely wealthy or should you leave your heart at home in order to achieve such success. Do good people want to become extremely wealthy, and by that logic am I bad person if I do, perhaps I'm misguided. The thing I truly want might have nothing to do with money at all. Are my goals influenced by what I see or are these things that I want. I guess I could first define a good person and work from there.

When I think of a good person I think of my mom, she's the best person I've ever met (sometimes to her own detriment) and what makes her good is based on the way she treats others, basically she takes treating others the way you want to be treated to the highest degree. If it didn't negatively impact her family, she would do it without expecting anything in return. However, she would be hurt if the person doesn't show gratitude. Not because she craves a thank you, but because she genuinely wants the person to be grateful, not only towards her but in general. So good in the sense that someone who wants to do good for others and wants those around them to benefit from their action's and not the alternative.

Can I be like that and still make crazy amounts of money, is there a place for someone like that in the future even if I don't want to make that sort of money or will that type of person be a target. More importantly do I truly want to make large amounts of money, not really but a huge part of me feels like I have to if I want to continue livng the somewhat carefree life I have now. I also feel like the desire to live this carefree and withdrawn from society might not be the voice I should be. What are the chances that my current desires will only lead me to ruin.

Instead of answering all of these questions I'll do what most young people do and kick the can down the road atleast until tomorrow. For now, I'll focus on what I can do.

So anyway, since I can't tell what will happen tomorrow, I'll pursue things that are worth the pursuit even if I don't ever gain anything from it monetary or not.

What are those things that are worth the pursuit, or rather things I would do even if I had all the money in the world. For now:

1.) Music (making it)

2.) Enjoying time with family (Yes, I have to pursue that, otherwise we only meet

for tragedy and weddings)

3.) Becoming someone, I can look up to (or at least stop hating myself)

4.) Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, or atleast someone I can

spend an afternoon with and not feel like I should've stayed home (I don that

happening anytime soon)

5.) Find something to do that won't make me dread waking up the next morning.

Don't have much to say today, wonder what tomorrow holds either way I hope I come back here, where else can I speak so freely without the fear of judgment, censorship, or lasting consequences for everything I say?

Today is friday, the final work day, the last chance to salvage the five day mess I call a week. I'm feeling a littles better today, well better based on how i felt last week thursday when I started this practice I read evrything i posted and if I'm being honest I have to say I forgot how much i love reading. Writing is fun but reading allows to escape my emotions without feeling guilty (according to many reading is good for me). Reading is also fun because It introduces new ideas, things i never thought to think of, things far outside of my usual thought patterns

But because this is some sort of journal and not a blog, lets unpack things. I like things that help me escape my negative emotions, things that help me forget that I've never had a girlfriend, helps me forget that if I don't get a job soon, I'll be forced into crime again, helps me pretend I'm not socially inept. There are more negative emotions I assure you, but these are the ones I want to look into for now.

I'm realising tha almost every aspect of my personality is built for avoiding the painful truth. I can't think of anything I do other than music that doesn't assist in avoiding negative emotions. The problem is that I've become so good at avoidance I convinced myself that this is who I am. The worts part of all of this is I can't even ask for help because I've put myself in a position that would require me to come clean about certain things that I swore I'd swore I'll take to the grave. And if you ever had a secret, you know how hard it is to let go of it.

The practice of writing 40min a day was started so I could stop running away but this is what makes me hate writing; it hurts, it hurts more than thinking because it feels like once I write it down it becomes real. It exists somewhere outside of my head and therefore its real and not just a figment of my imagination.

I'm realising that these problems have always been real, in fact they are the realest thing about me. There is nothing realer than the fact that I don't see a life for me outside music, but I also don't see where I could fit in the current industry, especially since my genre of choice is so aggressive when it comes to knowing who you are. The little I know about myself is damming, and the parts I don't know about myself are scary. This brings great sadness to me.

I don't why but for some reason I believe that if I had a wife and a house all these problems would go away because then I'd be a man and I wouldn't worry about my shortcomings. I believe that all my problems stem from external factors like societal expectations, social obligations, my current environment, my financial situation my physical appearance and the way I'm perceived.

If I'm a married man I won't have to participate in some of the social gatherings i despise, the one's that require me to be or do something. If I'm a married man, I will have different priorities so nobody will be surprised by my lack of social proficiency. If I have a house, I'll probably have money I'll be able to do whatever I please and I don't have to explain myself to anyone. But most importantly If I have a wife, I'll have someone that doesn't care what a loser I am someone who's okay with me being this broken. I'll finally be enough I won't need to "loosen up, slow down, act up, impress, or pretend I'm not scared of the thought of being completely forsaken".

If I have a wife and a house, I can live my life guilt free because right now it feels like I'm a debt I can never repay. I'm paying it to my parents, my friends, family and sometimes I pay random strangers because I feel like a complete waste of their time.

Now heres the problem how can I meet my if I've never had a grilfriend, how can I find love if all I know is how to get laid. This is the eternal battle inside me, because when I approach a girl with good intentions It scares me, because of this dreadful feeling that if I'm honest with her she'll realise why I feel so indebted to everyone, she'll realise what a disappointment I am and for now I'm not ready for that.

I've tried to resist these thoughts by convincing myself that I'm not that bad, but that just resulted in me bringing other people down just to make myself feel better. This is the longest entry yet, usually I reach a point where I feel like I can stop. Today feels different, almost as if I might never get the chance to write again. Maybe my subconscious knows something I don't. I had a similar feeling last night It felt like I'm running out of time, It's scary; really scary.

If this is the last time I hope my loved ones go through my computer listen to every sad song I've ever written, and they read these posts; I hope they find out I am before I meet my end but if they don't; I want them to know eventually.

Realised there's a pattern of complaining in my little diary, I'm not sure if It's because I can't complain in real life or if it's because I complain this much in real life. Safe to say I'm not happy about it. Really frustrating to see myself in that light..... I guess this practice is starting to pay off.

In more ways than one, the first being the fact that I have become more consistent simply because I've realised my inconsistencies. I once heard someone say you can only control what you see. I feel the inconsistencies almost on an hourly basis, it's helping me realise that I don't really care about people's opinions I'm just afraid that they might be true. When I know they're not true I almost forget they even exist, sounds crazy I know, but I really do forget the possibility that other people who have never met me could feel any way whatsoever about me. But when I fear the opinion might be true or rather when I start considering how people will react to a certain action or idea; it's all I can think about.

Another loser talking about his problems as if they actually matter in the grand scheme of thing. Another slip up, that I treat as if someone else was at the wheel when it happened. Another excuse to not approach that girl that's been on my mind. Another reason to not do anything that furthers my goals.

All these things sound so different yet somehow, they were caused by one word:

"LATER".

When I say this to myself the saddest part of it all is that I actually believe it, I actually think I'm going to do it later. Why am I so good at lying to myself, why can't I lie to myself for good reason? Why can't I say to myself: "oh I'll just get the drink later, I'll play the videogame later, I'll call the plug LATER"; why can't my flaws ever be on my side for once?

Yesterday I didn't study or continue my practice of writing 40min a day. This made me realise that It's a lot easier to stay on the horse than it is to get back on it. If I had continued my practice through the weekend and didn't lie to myself by saying weekends don't count. I could have done much better yesterday; now that yesterday is lost, the best I can do is write twice today to try and compensate.

But that still doesn't bring the state of mind I had yesterday into today and tomorrow; I can never know what I was going to say, what was important to me that day, or what was at the top of my mind. Regardless, I hope I don't repeat the same mistake.

Now yesterday was a strange day I had a glass of wine; why? Apparently, I needed it to loosen up before doing something, as I write it now it makes zero sense to me. However, for some reason it made perfect sense at the time. I guess this proves my previous theory of "the next guy to take my shift is an asshole" because compared to the guy who wrote that first entry into this strange diary, I'm a mess.

That guy had motivation, self-preservation, and a will to push on; meanwhile I'm asking myself if the plug (dealer) takes a day off to vote. The only thing that's stopping me from finding out is my tiny desire to be slightly better than yesterday. Another thing that's pushing me forward I the belief that I only have to be good for today tomorrow is future Me's problem if I can outshine him today, I can at least have pride in the fact that I can be better.

Am I gonna vote sure, not because I believe in change or whatever the slogan is this year but because I said I would. I had already laid down the groundwork (lie's) to get shit faced; a simple plan that I've done so often it has become second nature. Find a justified reason to go out; use that reason to extract money from loved ones and use said money to well ....get shit faced. Horrible way to live, the guilt that comes after is nothing short of dagger to the heart but because I am an experienced junky the dagger is often very far away from the day I commit the crime. I dig my grave alone, so it takes longer finish if you get what I'm saying

Who am I going to vote for No idea, but I should probably start researching it now. I don't think any of the candidates are trustworthy they all look like the people I used to gravitate to in my darker days.

Anyway enough of that part of the reason I want to vote (you're not gonna believe this) is because I think I'll meet some girls there and maybe we could go get some drinks after....and well if they want to get high who am I to say no. Now, I bet youre thinking you just said you want to be better well heres the agrument: If I approach these ladies I'm better than yesterday because I wouldn't be doing the crime alone. I know smart right. I get to have my cake and eat it and this time a warmer grave for when that dagger finally hits.