Today is Friday

Today is friday, the final work day, the last chance to salvage the five day mess I call a week. I'm feeling a littles better today, well better based on how i felt last week thursday when I started this practice I read evrything i posted and if I'm being honest I have to say I forgot how much i love reading. Writing is fun but reading allows to escape my emotions without feeling guilty (according to many reading is good for me). Reading is also fun because It introduces new ideas, things i never thought to think of, things far outside of my usual thought patterns

But because this is some sort of journal and not a blog, lets unpack things. I like things that help me escape my negative emotions, things that help me forget that I've never had a girlfriend, helps me forget that if I don't get a job soon, I'll be forced into crime again, helps me pretend I'm not socially inept. There are more negative emotions I assure you, but these are the ones I want to look into for now.

I'm realising tha almost every aspect of my personality is built for avoiding the painful truth. I can't think of anything I do other than music that doesn't assist in avoiding negative emotions. The problem is that I've become so good at avoidance I convinced myself that this is who I am. The worts part of all of this is I can't even ask for help because I've put myself in a position that would require me to come clean about certain things that I swore I'd swore I'll take to the grave. And if you ever had a secret, you know how hard it is to let go of it.

The practice of writing 40min a day was started so I could stop running away but this is what makes me hate writing; it hurts, it hurts more than thinking because it feels like once I write it down it becomes real. It exists somewhere outside of my head and therefore its real and not just a figment of my imagination.

I'm realising that these problems have always been real, in fact they are the realest thing about me. There is nothing realer than the fact that I don't see a life for me outside music, but I also don't see where I could fit in the current industry, especially since my genre of choice is so aggressive when it comes to knowing who you are. The little I know about myself is damming, and the parts I don't know about myself are scary. This brings great sadness to me.

I don't why but for some reason I believe that if I had a wife and a house all these problems would go away because then I'd be a man and I wouldn't worry about my shortcomings. I believe that all my problems stem from external factors like societal expectations, social obligations, my current environment, my financial situation my physical appearance and the way I'm perceived.

If I'm a married man I won't have to participate in some of the social gatherings i despise, the one's that require me to be or do something. If I'm a married man, I will have different priorities so nobody will be surprised by my lack of social proficiency. If I have a house, I'll probably have money I'll be able to do whatever I please and I don't have to explain myself to anyone. But most importantly If I have a wife, I'll have someone that doesn't care what a loser I am someone who's okay with me being this broken. I'll finally be enough I won't need to "loosen up, slow down, act up, impress, or pretend I'm not scared of the thought of being completely forsaken".

If I have a wife and a house, I can live my life guilt free because right now it feels like I'm a debt I can never repay. I'm paying it to my parents, my friends, family and sometimes I pay random strangers because I feel like a complete waste of their time.

Now heres the problem how can I meet my if I've never had a grilfriend, how can I find love if all I know is how to get laid. This is the eternal battle inside me, because when I approach a girl with good intentions It scares me, because of this dreadful feeling that if I'm honest with her she'll realise why I feel so indebted to everyone, she'll realise what a disappointment I am and for now I'm not ready for that.

I've tried to resist these thoughts by convincing myself that I'm not that bad, but that just resulted in me bringing other people down just to make myself feel better. This is the longest entry yet, usually I reach a point where I feel like I can stop. Today feels different, almost as if I might never get the chance to write again. Maybe my subconscious knows something I don't. I had a similar feeling last night It felt like I'm running out of time, It's scary; really scary.

If this is the last time I hope my loved ones go through my computer listen to every sad song I've ever written, and they read these posts; I hope they find out I am before I meet my end but if they don't; I want them to know eventually.