I folded, I didn’t even realise it

So yesterday There was a power outage and because of that I could not continue my studies this meant I "HAD TO" do something to pass the time. I chose watching anime as this was the easiest thing to do, I could've done something outside (despite the cold) I could've.... well, you get the picture. It's past now the older me (from last week) would've made this whole post about the past; I now see how bad that is. Not in the sense that I have to live in the moment but because I have so much to share in the present moment and I could lose it if I don't express it now.

Anyway, yesterday made me realise that as soon as I face hardship, difficulty or even slight resistance I respond emotionally extremely emotionally. I start to give up on everything, start questioning every aspect of what I'm trying to achieve and throw a tantrum like some sort of baby philosopher. Till a few minutes ago I was considering going back to my degenerative ways, not because I wanted to but because I just didn't want to fail again. I hated the idea that I tried to be disciplined but failed, my excuse was valid (as all excuses are) but it still was not worth falling of the horse.

Today I realised just how hard it is to get back on the horse, it took me an hour to do 30 minutes of work. I wasted so much time hating/doubting what I was doing. I would've been better off focusing on something else and just waiting for the negative emotions to pass (maybe not the best way but it works so well it's like magic). By waiting I don't mean avoiding I mean literally listening to my complaints but instead of acting on them just waiting... next thing I know I'm back to normal as if it never happened.

Anyway, I watched something that spoke about killing my past self or rather my present self. This whole time I've been trying to co-exist with the guy (the present/past me) assuming he would change his ways and getting disappointed when he doesn't. If what the man on screen said was true, then I need to make sure I never see my past self again. The man on the screen also spoke of going all in, something I'm extremely familiar with but, not for the right reasons.

This inspired me to stop trying to improve all these different aspects of my life and tackle them one at a time. I don't know why I didn't think of this, it's not like I was doing well trying to juggle all of these things. Naturally I understand that neglecting parts of my life is a bad idea... but f**k it.

I'm going all in with in with my studies, exercise and improving my discipline, I can't see this going well in the long run, but I should be okay if I neglect a month of social activities.

I don't think I have much more to say, yesterday was a disappointment, today was tough tomorrow has to be better.