Another day

Didn't feel like writing today, I have nothing to say but for thew sake of consistency I must continue this practice. I must continue even when I'm this tired and dozing off as I write. 40 minutes, that was the promise, to be better; even a little, that was the goal. I hope my writing has improved after all this time; I am better at thinking through my fingers as I type but I don't know if I improved from a reader's perspective. Not that I expect anyone to read my endless complaints and constant diverging.

I do this for me more than anything, to understand where I am today, what I'm thinking today, who am I today. When I write I can think clearer faster, it allows me to better understand myself, see the inconsistencies in my everyday actions, how often I change my mind, how my goals change; why they change. Writing like this is very different from the writing I was forced to do at school I enjoyed it but not like this. This is different I don't need to sensor myself I don't need to make sense.

The best part of this is I have no preparation so even I don't know what I'm going to write. The timer is rarely set simply because I can write so much faster now that 40 minutes would be too long, so I set a limit of about 700 words. 700 pieces of information that only make sense when placed in the right order, 4000 symbols that span the Glode through a system of interconnected systems that form the biggest communication network ever. Symbols that are only useful here and now, symbols that turn the electrical signals in my brain into something that a totally different organism can understand.

14 minutes left on the timer I set it this time because I have nothing to say, plans to finish this IT course I'm doing, plans to rebuild my skills as an entrepreneur, all these things are just a matter of time. Time is something I learned to have a new relationship with, it used to be something that I used to buy, or waste. I never really used it for myself, it always felt like more of an obstacle, I had to buy time when I couldn't meet deadlines, I had to pay people for their time, I had to kill time when I was bored. For the first time in my life, time is working for me, hopefully soon I'll have people pay me for mine.

Hopefully I'll be able to upscale my skills faster than I did this IT course, hopefully I get a job in the meantime. Did I mention I need to become fully independent in 4 years, anyway the goal feels like it's unattainable now. I've done harder things that that (is that confidence i hear) I should be able to some way to make money in all that time.

But I can't be complacent the future me is not someone I can easily predict or control, he's an irrational man, a man who acts emotionally I can't trust him to do anything. Here now, today is my only chance at improving....2 minutes left. Today I'm a little slow, but it's fine I did my part besides It's not like 600 words is that bad anyway.

I'm really into poetry latley so here's a poem I heard from Dry creek wrangler school:

Am I inside looking out

Or outside looking in?

And can I help but doubt,

That I’m ever going to win,

If I cannot tell whether

I am the spectator or the sport?

This world is very fast,

But I am frightful slow.

Yet I hold onto the past

While in my heart I know

That the past gets left behind

With any fool bound to it.

But my ways are still my ways.

Cause whose else can they be?

So I will weave today

On a loom I built for me

A cloth both course and rustic

With a pattern vaguely primeval.

19 seconds left . ....and like that I'm done.