I have to start a business

I don't think I can reach any form of success in music, it's too dependent on who you are. I don't think I can be that person. I don't think my music is that good, not that I think I'm not capable of selling a few concert tickets or getting a decent number of streams, I don't think it's possible for me to be in a position that depends on people liking me. Maybe this is based on insecurities maybe this is me trying to avoid my fear of other people's opinions (my constant need for approval), MAYBE I'm making the biggest mistake ever.

I don't care anymore; I can't keep trying to beat this feeling. The feeling that I am not enough. I can't stop feeling like no matter where I go, who I'm with or what I do I am lacking something fundamental to human experience. I am less than, I always have been (at least according to me), maybe in the future I might be able to be something. Now I am nothing, but it doesn't have to be this way, I can still find success as long as I give the results required of me (never had a problem with this). If I can do all the right things meet all the right people and put in the right amount work (as much as I possibly can) I can still live a decent life, a life I might not absolutely hate.

I came to this realisation after I decided to make a clear plan. Instead of trying to juggle everything I decided I should focus on one thing and that thing was getting a house so I don't end up on the streets when my mom retires, and a car so I can get around without having to dedicate so much time to transporting myself. The only way I see this happening is through a business, particularly because even if I fail, I won't hate myself for it, I can always start again, as long as I'm alive I can always keep trying. The beautiful thing about a business is that it doesn't matter who I am, I don't have to be relatable If I just have a superior product, a unique selling point and I can get a somewhat consistent client base I can make it.

This isn't a decision I made on a whim, I've studied business in school and if I didn't fall down a pit of despair I would've studied it in college I was planning to either double down and get an MBA (unlikely) or find an easy enough entrepreneurship course (or whatever they called the bridging course) and a get an internship in a company I could learn from.

Anyway, the thought of having a successful business makes me feel more hopeful than getting a job and just withering away at some desk. The thought of one day having something other than money and time, actually living a life I can be proud of feels good. I haven't felt hope in a while it feels good, and for the first time in a while I actually believe I can succeed.

The first step is upscale my skills, I'm not at a position where I can provide significant value to any person or organization. I need to become someone that can help, then I will help as many people as I can to the best of my ability once I can provide a service worth something, I'll find a way to monetize it.

The first thing I thought when deciding i should shift my focus to starting a business, was why don't I leverage the skills I've learned after years of doing music, why don't I help people in that way. The problem with that is that I don't believe I can help anyone in that way, and countering that strong belief system is something I've been struggling with for way too long. Also, I hate working with creatives, I can't take their ego's it's too much for me Especially since I can't empathize with their feelings of grandiosity (maybe that's not true).

Here's a poem (cos why the hell not):

I have learned a lot

But all I know for sure is that I still now nothing

I have seen a lot

But everything I've seen has always been right in front of me

I have done much

But it always felt as if I was bluffing

In trying to find myself

I found out i am nothing

nothing but a blank canvas

a teddy bear with no stuffing

a shell a.......... well you get the gist