Another Slip up

Another loser talking about his problems as if they actually matter in the grand scheme of thing. Another slip up, that I treat as if someone else was at the wheel when it happened. Another excuse to not approach that girl that's been on my mind. Another reason to not do anything that furthers my goals.

All these things sound so different yet somehow, they were caused by one word:

"LATER".

When I say this to myself the saddest part of it all is that I actually believe it, I actually think I'm going to do it later. Why am I so good at lying to myself, why can't I lie to myself for good reason? Why can't I say to myself: "oh I'll just get the drink later, I'll play the videogame later, I'll call the plug LATER"; why can't my flaws ever be on my side for once?

Yesterday I didn't study or continue my practice of writing 40min a day. This made me realise that It's a lot easier to stay on the horse than it is to get back on it. If I had continued my practice through the weekend and didn't lie to myself by saying weekends don't count. I could have done much better yesterday; now that yesterday is lost, the best I can do is write twice today to try and compensate.

But that still doesn't bring the state of mind I had yesterday into today and tomorrow; I can never know what I was going to say, what was important to me that day, or what was at the top of my mind. Regardless, I hope I don't repeat the same mistake.

Now yesterday was a strange day I had a glass of wine; why? Apparently, I needed it to loosen up before doing something, as I write it now it makes zero sense to me. However, for some reason it made perfect sense at the time. I guess this proves my previous theory of "the next guy to take my shift is an asshole" because compared to the guy who wrote that first entry into this strange diary, I'm a mess.

That guy had motivation, self-preservation, and a will to push on; meanwhile I'm asking myself if the plug (dealer) takes a day off to vote. The only thing that's stopping me from finding out is my tiny desire to be slightly better than yesterday. Another thing that's pushing me forward I the belief that I only have to be good for today tomorrow is future Me's problem if I can outshine him today, I can at least have pride in the fact that I can be better.

Am I gonna vote sure, not because I believe in change or whatever the slogan is this year but because I said I would. I had already laid down the groundwork (lie's) to get shit faced; a simple plan that I've done so often it has become second nature. Find a justified reason to go out; use that reason to extract money from loved ones and use said money to well ....get shit faced. Horrible way to live, the guilt that comes after is nothing short of dagger to the heart but because I am an experienced junky the dagger is often very far away from the day I commit the crime. I dig my grave alone, so it takes longer finish if you get what I'm saying

Who am I going to vote for No idea, but I should probably start researching it now. I don't think any of the candidates are trustworthy they all look like the people I used to gravitate to in my darker days.

Anyway enough of that part of the reason I want to vote (you're not gonna believe this) is because I think I'll meet some girls there and maybe we could go get some drinks after....and well if they want to get high who am I to say no. Now, I bet youre thinking you just said you want to be better well heres the agrument: If I approach these ladies I'm better than yesterday because I wouldn't be doing the crime alone. I know smart right. I get to have my cake and eat it and this time a warmer grave for when that dagger finally hits.