I have to get over my fears, tomorrow

I had a conversation with one of 3 friends, honestly, they're more like family at this point. We spoke about the fact that we have 4 years to make something happen. I've been extremely shy about showing my face on camera. I don't think I've ever posted anything personal on social media.

I have no idea how this fear of mine went under the radar when I started this whole self-improvement journey. I have to do something; I have to get over it even if its under a different name I have to put myself out there. Honestly, I'm getting nervous just thinking about it, I ... I hate the fact that I actually care what people think. It's the one thing I can't seem to be able to shake, no matter how hard I try it's just....

I don't know if I can overcome it tomorrow but i have to try even if it's just a picture. I can't believe I still have this problem afer all the work I put into myself, am i weak or something it's not like I'm afraid of peoples opinions everywhere. It's just that the thought of exposing so much about myself is..

Now that I think of it I was initially afraid of exposing my poor living conditions, I didn't want people to look down on me.

On top of that I'm extremely insecure about the way I look, but all of that has to be put to the side for now I have to post myself. I have to get over this, there's no way this can continue if I am to become the person I want to be I have to overcome this. This is a minor part of my plan but somehow it's been the biggest challenge. Silently Influencing my decisions from the back of my mind.

How much more is there that I'm hiding, what else am I suffering from in discreet? Is there a way to find out or is it just something that only exposes itself when things go bad. I have to get more aggressive, no matter what I have to continue with a new ferocity, I need more of everything. I keep forgetting why I started this journey, but I'll never forget this feeling.

It hurts but a different pain than usual sadness or heart break it burns like I made a fatal mistake, like I did something bad it feels closer to regret. I haven't felt this in a while, I think the last time I felt like this was the first day of high school. I felt like everyone was staring at me and they could all see that I wasn't enough. I was never enough at least according to my own estimate, and it feels like everywhere I go everybody knows that.

It ties back into the whole: if I got married, I'd be complete, I feel like I was enough for one person (my wife) I wouldn't need to be enough for anyone else. What's enough, well I don't have a specific metric, but I know it's not me. Part of me feels like I'll never meet someone that I might see want to marry or even date longer than a few weeks, because I'm not enough.

One day long ago, I made the decision that I wouldn't let other people ruing things for me but I never really thought of why I did that. I never got into why I think I'm not enough, why I feel like I have to do more just to be on the same level as your average person. Anyway I also folded today when the power went out AGAIN at least I'm here this time. Today's state of mind didnt go to waste. Hopefuly I keep doing this It's been a huge eye opener. Hopefully whoever I wake up as tomorrow posts that picture.