never again

I don't know if I want to try it again. 'It' is putting myself out there and hurting the one I never wanted to. I knew from the start we were doomed for my unshakable feelings for his best friend and while I knew they were there, I tried to deny them for all of the six months. I pushed it off further and further but at a certain point, you get tired, and you can't push it anymore.

I knew we didn't feel equal amounts for each other, one month in and he said "I love you" while I was still trying to shake the fact that his best friend was now dating the girl I convinced myself wasn't a threat. I figured with time it would get better, and it did. I started to hear more and more terrible things about his friend and I knew I had made the right decision, I was taking the high road. Until the end of the road was certainly in sight. I knew it was coming and with that, I knew he was going to get hurt. From the start, I knew it wasn't going to end well but I kept pushing anyway.

I was right. He hated me. The one person I'd hoped wouldn't get hurt, got hurt because of me. He still doesn't know the true reason, I'm not sure I even know the true reason. But deep down I think he knew. He knew some part of me was still connected with his friend. We never had the closure I needed for us to be done and he knew that. He knew in my eyes if his friend ever came back, and left the other girls, I would run right back. And the worst part I hate myself for everyday is that he's right. I would.

So never again will I let someone fall for me. Never again will I allow someone else to hurt because of me. Never again will I attract before I am healed. And never again will I ever try it again.