Dear Mom,

I am sorry I'm not more like Mollie. And I know you love me for who I am but I don't. I wish I was her too. I'm sorry for my attitude and my need for perfection but no motivation because I know Mollie has the motivation. I'm sorry I don't make you laugh more and I'm sorry we have stopped spending time together. I miss you. The truth is I am scared for us to be close again. Ever since I got over my separation anxiety I have been worried if we get close again it will come back. I'm sorry I compare myself to others, and I'm sorry I hate the body and person that against all odds you made. I'm sorry I have let you down because I know I have let myself down. I only hope when I am a mother, I have half the women you are. I hope I have half the love you gave me, Mollie, and Steve. I hope I have even half the drive to help others. And half the compassion and love for raising us as you had. I wish I could be better and I swear I am trying and I will make you proud, whether in this life or the next. I love you.

My whole life I have been looking towards the future. Looking for my freedom. And now as I am approaching my senior year I am realizing I want to go back but I can't. It is physically impossible for me to go back to my third-grade class when we won our grade-wide dodgeball game. I can't go back to my first time going to the mall alone thinking I was so cool and mature. I can't go back to the moment I realized my best friend had replaced me. I can't go back to the time my dad drove me to my first high school party as I freaked out inside. I can't go back to the moment I changed the trajectory of my high school experience forever and I know now I can't go back at all. Everyone has days to savor the moment but how can you savor it when all you are looking for is the future? Even as I am writing this I am thinking about what color bedding I want in my dorm next year. I think I want to stay in the moment because I know once it's over it's gone. But I can't let myself think about that. As time passes, years pass and everyone I know gets closer to their end. I look forward to the future and my life when I'm older until I realize my dog won't be there to see me move out. My grandma won't be able to meet my husband. My mom might not be able to teach me how to raise my kids. Every day of life is so unpredictable so while I love to look ahead, it also has its downfalls.

She had been unknowingly shut herself inside a box with little to no knowledge of how to escape. The box had been built for her by her siblings who came before her. The idea was set she just had to fit. This issue was, that they were all different, but she was determined to fit. She tried and tried and tried until the box broke. She was devastated because her whole life she thought this box was what she was meant to do. She was meant to fit in the box until she wasn't. She had outgrown the box and while scary it came with so many different experiences for her. She found her true self. But now and then she thinks back to her old box, the box she lived safely inside her whole life, for now, she felt exposed, in danger. She wished every day that she could go back into the box and make herself fit. Force it. And even in reflection, knowing that it is for the best. She still wishes, on sad and lonely nights, that she fit. That she belonged.

I don't know if I want to try it again. 'It' is putting myself out there and hurting the one I never wanted to. I knew from the start we were doomed for my unshakable feelings for his best friend and while I knew they were there, I tried to deny them for all of the six months. I pushed it off further and further but at a certain point, you get tired, and you can't push it anymore.

I knew we didn't feel equal amounts for each other, one month in and he said "I love you" while I was still trying to shake the fact that his best friend was now dating the girl I convinced myself wasn't a threat. I figured with time it would get better, and it did. I started to hear more and more terrible things about his friend and I knew I had made the right decision, I was taking the high road. Until the end of the road was certainly in sight. I knew it was coming and with that, I knew he was going to get hurt. From the start, I knew it wasn't going to end well but I kept pushing anyway.

I was right. He hated me. The one person I'd hoped wouldn't get hurt, got hurt because of me. He still doesn't know the true reason, I'm not sure I even know the true reason. But deep down I think he knew. He knew some part of me was still connected with his friend. We never had the closure I needed for us to be done and he knew that. He knew in my eyes if his friend ever came back, and left the other girls, I would run right back. And the worst part I hate myself for everyday is that he's right. I would.

So never again will I let someone fall for me. Never again will I allow someone else to hurt because of me. Never again will I attract before I am healed. And never again will I ever try it again.