core value

You do not understand, I hold myself together so tight. I will not allow myself to fall apart if I cannot afford to, if it would be socially inappropriate in the moment, even if I'm right on the edge of it. And that is not a conscious choice, that is not my mind scrambling to keep it together and holding on for dear life, that is in my bones.

It’s in my bones.

It’s in the part of me that I cannot control.

I'll be doing my tasks feeling perfectly fine and when I'm finally done with them, I will black out so hard I'll need to sit down. That is not an exaggeration.

And I wonder which part of me, which part of my upbringing and youth is to blame for the fact that my subconsciousnes will not allow me to appear weak. Which part of me is it that thinks I cannot afford it.