Pin Me Down

I can still see her being held down by nurses on the hospital bed, having overdosed on pills, delirious. She said, over and over, to me: help me. Later, she would go on dialysis, and would tell me it was the most traumatizing thing that had ever happened to her. But lying on that hospital bed, she hadn't gotten there yet. She pleaded: it gets better, right? But of course it doesn't, and wouldn't, and it would be two more near death experiences, dozens of rejections from friends and lovers, and several hospital visits before I once again sat at her bedside, and said, "It doesn't get better, but it does get easier."

Anyone who says, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is full of shit, because mental illness is not glamorous, it is vital signs that are through the floor, vomit on your favorite dress, people leaving because it's easier than staying.

Mental illness is watching people disintegrate in front of you, when it could all be so simple. They could put down the bottle or razor blades or pills, eat something, go to a meeting. But it's actually disgusting, people taking away your right to exist because it is uncomfortable for them.

She said recently: people are so patronizing. And they are. Recently someone flagged one of my Instagram posts and I got a pop up message from Instagram saying, "someone is worried about you" with hot line numbers. Hot line numbers. We both laughed heartily, and she said, "Now someone can say they did they did their good deed for the day." "Now they can sit back and say, I saved her." Needless to say, we laughed until we cried.

Mental illness is having a panic attack and being told, at urgent care, that you are "fifth in line, please have a seat." Mental illness is getting an EKG because it is "standard procedure for your condition." What's an EKG, you're wondering. It's where they put little sticky electrodes on your chest and read your heart, as if they could ever know what happens in there. They read your medical results on a screen, and then have the audacity to say, "you're fine, go home," and you of course just skip on home, because you're fine, you are cured, your heart lied and you are not broken, for that's what the doctor said. Now please pay $2,000 and go back to zero.

Mental illness is having people leave because it's easier than staying. I already said that somewhere in this piece of writing though, and you're wondering, why is she repeating herself. I'm repeating myself because it is damn fucking hard to watch as your mental condition leaves people raising an eyebrow, judging you, making condescending statements that are either 1) heinously untrue ("you could just get better") or 2) completely valid, which is of course infuriating ("you could just get better").

You're probably wondering: why is she shitting on everyone who just wants to help? I think back to the American medical system, which is completely for profit, and the medical gaze of nurses and doctors who want to give you pills that earn them some extra income. I'm thinking back to her body pinned on the hospital bed, and the fact that it was about to get so much worse, and my only words were, "It doesn't get better, but it does get easier."