Chainsaw Charlie
Pressure, I remember the pressure
Hard day at work
Pivotal moment
Everything riding on me
Or so it felt
I became fixated on biscuits
Somehow, if there were biscuits
The inspector would soften his gaze
And we would pass the test
So, being in the Netherlands
I jumped on my bike with shopping bags
And rode hard to the store
Sweat beading on my brow
My tired legs aching
I bought all the biscuits
The chocolately ones
crumbly ones, gingernuts
Coconut ones, iced ones
Plain ones, ones for dunking in coffee
Jam ones, soft ones
I spent all my money
Filled three shopping bags
Which strained at the handles
And then as I was walking out the door
One final temptation
Hot, fried, sugared doughballs
I bought four dozen
The heaved it all to my bike
Handles on handlebars
But things kept slipping
I kept falling over
There was too much weight and
Not enough momentum
I grazed my knee
I bruised my thigh
I crushed some biscuits
And eventually sank to the concrete path
Utterly defeated
Then the thoughts came thick and fast
Each one a dagger tipped with poison
If we failed it would be my fault
I was useless, pathetic
I didn't belong
It had all been for nothing
The tears stung my eyes
My tears were hot with shame
My stomach tight with misery
At my many inadequacies
Finally, I reached for my phone
And dialled my boss
My voice was thick with feelings
'I need help' - the hardest three words
I have ever spoken, hung in the air
I waited for her withering judgement
Instead, 'that's OK, we all need help sometimes,
Sit tight and I'll send someone'
The line went dead and I wilted
With shame, with relief
Panic still dancing at the edges
Of my frayed consciousness
The minutes dripped past
Each more painful as the last
Each leading me down a path
Of certain failure, of having let everyone down
Until - there he was
My hero. Chainsaw Charlie
His brawny arms swinging
As he strode across the carpark
In slow motion - a smile on his face
Like the world wasn't really about to end
He grabbed the bags up
With very little effort
And I forlornly followed him
Back to the speed boat
Where he stowed my bike
Started the engine
And with a steady hand
Took us back to work
Eager hands unloaded the bags of biscuits
And I set them upon three silver platters
With a hot pot of coffee
And a relieved smile
The inspector wolfed them down
And we passed the test
We didn't fail
I didn't let everyone down
The biscuits did their magic
Everything was OK
That night, I sobbed into my pillow
But there was a faint smile
At the edges of my mouth
When I pictured Chainsaw Charlie
Arms in full swing
Striding across the carpark
My hero