The First Commandment
Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with a single tablet, containing just one Commandment. It was an all-inclusive Commandment, yet it was open to interpretation in the minds of human beings with a history of misinterpretation. As such, self-appointed prelates began to clarify it, subdividing it into corollaries:
The first prelate said, "Well, this commandment certainly means we should never--never!--worship any other god, seeing as our God brought us out of Egypt."
"Ain't dat de trufe," shouted a man without teeth and with only one eye, matching his former friend without teeth and missing an eye of his own.
"Yes," agreed the first prelate, clarifying thusly: "That means no graven images of anything from the air, earth, or water."
"Even mermaids?" asked a man who gnashed his teeth while he still had them.
"Even mermaids!" answered the first prelate. "Are you daft? Our God is a jealous God and won't take kindly to you exalting scaly people. You know how He is--He'll punish us for generations."
"Unless we keep His Commandment...then it'll be sweet!" shouted a woman who hid her "unclean" nature very well.
A second prelate added, "And certainly this one Commandment means no yippin' about the Lord for no good reason."
"God, yeah!" agreed one of the crowd, who forthwith was righteously--and legally--stoned.
"He didn't say that--he said 'Yeah.'"
"We know he said 'Yeah'--not Yahweh. It was when he said, 'God.'"
A second stoning, in rapid succession, ensued in adoration of the Lord.
"See?" pointed out the second prelate. "Happy now?"
"The Sabbath!" shouted a third prelate. "Better not mess with that. No servile work. No fishing. No nothin'. Don't even make your animals do nothin'."
"Agreed," replied the second prelate.
"What about my mother and father?" asked a man with stunted growth. "Look what their sins did to me? Can I skip honoring them, the reprobates?"
A fourth prelate chimed in. "You have to honor them, the scum bags that they are."
"Hey!" shouted three men and one woman defensively, whereupon the three men eyed each other suspiciously and the woman cash her gaze guiltily to the ground.
"What about killing them? I can still honor them if I kill them."
"An honor killing!" agreed another man.
"No!" declared a fifth prelate. "In fact, you can't kill anyone. That would certainly violate the One Commandment."
"I guess if there's no honor killing..."
"Any killing, imbecile!" the fifth prelate reiterated.
"Yes," added another, "no honor killin', then you have to say no adultery."
"Yes," a sixth prelate jumped in. "That would certainly be a dick move." The crowd laughed, even though the prelate didn't get it.
"Can we steal?" asked a young boy, holding the reins of a very fine donkey.
"No. You can't take anything that belongs to a neighbor," said the seventh prelate.
"I guess blaming it on someone else doesn't get you off, then?" asked an old man.
"Not in the eyes of the Lord. Can't lie about that. Did you even read the One Commandment?" an eighth prelate challenged him.
"That's a fine donkey you got there," said a man to the young boy.
"Don't you dare covet my ass," the boy sneered.
"But you stole it!" the man answered.
"Just like you wanna steal my mama," he said.
"Whoa!" shouted a ninth prelate. "Heads up--we're getting smite-worthy by the Lord."
"He bears false witness," the boy accused the man.
"You coveted my donkey, then you stole it," ya l'il connivin' urchin."
"Speaking of asses, what about that female servant of yours. You don't need anyone's donkey with an ass like hers!" The crowd roared.
Moses, the tenth prelate, the most self-appointed one of them all, quited the mob with just the right stern look.
"Fools! All of you!" shouted Moses pontifically. "This One Commandment includes all of that. You're all over-bureaucratizing it. We'd have ten commandments if we collated all of these issues. We just need the One Commandment. OK? It says it all. Shee."
"Read it again!" urged the first prelate.
And Moses did just that:
"Hear me and hear the word of the Lord. Our Lord is not only a jealous God, but a laconic one. One Commandment--terse and succinct; all-encompassing..."
"THOU SHALT NOT BE A DICK."
"Yeah," agreed one of the other prelates. "That really covers it all."
"It really does," agreed another.
"Now everyone go on home now. Break it up. And remember always..."
"Remember what?" asked Joshua.
"For God's sake!" shouted an exasperated man. Then more stones flew.