I’m Fine.

(trigger warning: suicide and discrimination)

I tell myself it's fine.

I repeat those words every single day.

I try to make them true.

I lie to make them true.

You ask me if I'm ok. "Yes, I am ok." I say, taking the time to envision the letters and their sounds in my head before speaking. I wonder if others have a hard time. If they think talking is hard, if they understand that stuttering and blanking and waiting for the words to come are a daily occurrence for me. Do I understand? Explaining why I can't talk is hard. I have to go through the process of talking to do that.

But, it - is - ok. Think, force yourself to think in a different way than is natural. Read the words in your mind as you talk. Animate the letters soaring in. That will make it interesting enough, right? Pay attention: think about how each syllable fits together before saying anything and never talk before thinking. And sometimes, never talk at all. But its ok. Everything is fine. It has to be, right? I can't not hold it together. Letting myself come undone at the seems would be a tragedy at best. That's what everyone says... or is it just me? I can't think. I can't come undone. Aaahhh! I feel like I'm screaming inside, a constant melancholy of anger and rage. I just want to be understood. Is that ok? No, its not. I can't understand myself, let alone ask others for help. But its fine. Everything is fine. Trust me. It will be ok, someday, maybe, I hope so. Do I even deserve to hope? I'm non-binary, which screams at me to be shut down. I deserve to be hated just for that, at least that is what I was told in church and they know everything. I know I can trust that my Pastor knows what's right. Even my mom says so. Everyone says so. My parents do, my grandma does, my friends do and I love them all. I trust them and I would do anything to earn that loyalty back. But its ok. There is nothing I can demand from others that I'm not willing to give. I guess... But, something about that's wrong. No! I can't just ask for anything but I can just expect to be given what I give in return or at least the respect to be considered something other than a stepping stone in a story that isn't my own. I want to be ok. I try to be ok. How can I be ok when I haven't earned the respect I deserve, but I have! I earned it a hundred times over. I have done more than you ever could. The only thing I got in return were labels saying Disformed, Broken, Thing, Her. I'm angry, I can't deny that, but I'm ok. I have to be ok. One slip is a forever fall into the lack of hope that swells within. I can't not be ok. I'm telling you, I'm fine. Ignore the PTSD. Ignore the fact that my hand shivers. Ignore that I stutter when I talk. Ignore that I don't have someone taking care of me. Ignore my irrational fears and crazy obsessions. Just believe you are ok and you will be. Don't worry. No one could ever except me for being me. No one understands some one who's trans, and its fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. I'll just be here. "Don't worry," I say, "I understand. I remember what you taught me: be grateful for everything you have and always, always respect your elders." Don't worry, I understand it isn't for control. I get why you can't change to help me. You just don't care enough and its acceptable because no one can ever understand that I'm gay, no one can ever under stand that I'm trans or autistic. It goes against what God decreed. How can I compare my knowledge with his? Don't worry, I understand. I understand everything thoroughly. Just don't come asking when I disappear. It's your own fault I died. You didn't understand. I returned the favor. Thanks for the opportunity, Christ. You saved me from myself. I met hate young. Now be kind and give me a break. I'm jumping today.