Can't breathe

Can't wait

Can't talk

it's a big mistake

Wake me up

Set me free

Break me up

Shatter my cage

Tell me this ends today

Tell me I'm no longer stuck in my head

Tell me I didn't wish I was dead

Tell me a truth

Tell me a lie

Just tell me I'll stop dying inside

Give me an instant

Give me a way

To make a difference

To make a change

Not for the world

No, just for me

Let me create my own reality

Bring me the hope

Bring me the flame

Let me feel alive again

Set me free

Break my chains

Let me feel alive today

Let me feel

alive

today.

It's so very strange

Speaking when no one hears

Signing when no one listens

reaching out my hands only for them to be worse than ignored; laughed at, berated, unconventional freak.

I'm not a freak.

At least, I don't think I am.

But there are certain groups of people,

certain sets of reactions

certain words that send shame through my chest

I hide in books because I have no where else to go.

I spent time dreaming about what it was like to have different siblings, different families, different hobbies, different chances, languages, foods, everything.

My life was spent pretending to be some one else, not just the little girl, but the woman on the train, the man in the back of the car, the cat who got to sit around and eat all day.

I never thought that was strange.

And maybe it isn't,

maybe, that's what everyone does

they dream of being someone else

having a different body

a different life

and by the time they look into their own

a bridge has been built between the mind and reality

a puppet plays out every role

yet you no longer have control

all you can do is sit and watch

as your world is torn apart piece by piece

doing nothing, you stand in a corner hoping no one notices you're there

you pull out a book

and become another character

one that feels right.

You take on the skin of a human

and live in a world you've never been to before.

You know everything before it ever happens

yet still, it is better than waking up

it is better than being in reality

because there

you're already gone

you've already lost control

and worse than that

you've lost your soul

forever doomed to live as a puppet

in everyone else's world.

Today my sister called me a girl

There was a shock

as if the whole world had faded in an instant

then I had to drive

and pretend like nothing had happened

because, in everyone else's eyes, nothing did.

My dog is named Sable. She knocks on my door every time she wants to come into my room for the night. She leaves me alone when I'm over stimulated and comforts me when I'm sad. She has been by my side longer than any human and knows me better than my closest friends. She is my companion and my commandant. She is loyal even when I don't deserve it. And, no matter how many times I yell and shout when I get home, just trying to relieve my chest of its burden, I am there for her too, always.

Two years

It's been two years

and you still don't use my name

Two years

It's been two years

and you still call me a girl to my face

Two years

It's been two years

and you still think its a fucking choice

Two years

It's been two years

and I still don't have a voice

I find it funny that there is a trope representing autistic folk as loners because I am anything but that. I am however, pretty nerdy. I have good scores on tests, but I don't really care about school. I would much rather go learn on my own and I'm getting really tired of math. My special interest is folklore. I could drown you in the cultural significance of a wall, any wall. I could rant to you for ages about the irreversible catastrophe that is colonization (I'm white as fuck by the way). The Aztecs are fascinating and I so want to understand their knot work. A fully knotted laguage as well as numbers, written language, sign language, dialects and so much more. I could asphyxiate from excitement right here and now if literally anyone could teach me anything there is to know.

Sadly, that is not possible and school is a living nightmare; the noise, the confusion of people actually wanting to talk to me and be my friend, the figuring out of teachers and vending machines, the constant misgendering. I have had enough. But everyday, I wake up looking forward to school because I get to see the tisms (autism friends). They have special interests and such a love for life, I can't explain it.

Each of us struggle so much. Yet despite it all, manage to get through a day, play some pokemon, learn a song, do some art, watch my little pony and be queer. It's an accomplishment. One for which we support each other. We each know how hard it is for the other. We know why they suddenly switch to ASL instead of English or why my best friend always brings a teddy bear to school. It is because getting through each day with a genuine smile on your face is an accomplishment, one of the best accomplishments. So, you can call me a weirdo. I know why. I know it's strange to bring a model dragon to school and sneak an extra writing notebook into class instead of drugs but its something that brings me joy and that is way too fucking hard to find.

Can I please

go hide

in a dark hole and not do anything

can I please

go cry

where no one will hear

can I go scream to the roof tops

and revel in the rain

can I feel alive again, someday

Can I hear again

the echoing cacophony of crows in the spring

or the deafening cicadas that lull me to sleep?

Can I hear you sing to me,

just one last time

I want to hear your voice,

intertwine with mine

I want to live

to feel

to breath

to do all this things

so I'm asking you, please

won't you let me feel alive

for one last time

Can't think

Can't breathe

I want to float

but I only sink

Wrapped in chains

My ankles break

Their bloodied bones

are my own mistakes

My frozen mind

is filled with fog

I want to escape

but I can't get far

The door is slammed

The floor, it shakes

I fall to my knees

Just to feel them scrape

I catch the ball

to loose the game.

I'm always helping

but I never take

My brain is confused

with things of the past

My vision is filled

with ghosts and bats.

I think

I try

I don't get by

I weep

I break

It's my own mistake

And yet

I can't find

what I did wrong

what I can fix

anything,

that give me a glimpse

of my endless struggle of give and take

bend and break

wake

and try

to make it

but it's all just a game

the game of life

the game of strife

the game

none of us know how to play

so I give

and then I take

One of my hobbies is astral projection, meditating, magic and the like. But, recently I haven't been able to do this because I've been losing track of reality, again. This started during a time of forced isolation. It was part of my training in magic but... well... it went on longer than it should've and I started going insane. I hear voices and see things. They um, are sometimes real and at other times figments of my imagination. I test them. I ask them things I don't know the answer to. Sometimes they get flustered and begin arguing with me. At other times they answet with a question. And still more often, I convince myself that my mind could come up with that answer on its own. It probably can too. The mind has power.

I have thought about giving up all together, but I've had so many experiences which brought me back from the edge and I know forcing my brain to think without arguing with itself is pretty useless, so I don't. I just sort of wait until I have a time where I can't sense things at the edges of the subconscious. I wait until I know the earth is holding me firm. Even so, I get lost. I loose track of time. I loose track of sleep. I mix dreams and reality. I mix characters in books with Gods, demons and the people I see in front of me. I am supposed to be a witch. I am supposed to have fun near Halloween. All that happened this year with the parting of the veil was me having to delegate more energy to keeping up my mental barriers. I can't have random spirits contacting me in the middle of school, it's just not practical. So here I am, a magician, set to graduate top of their class who can't tell if they imagined every piece of magic they've ever done.

Old Soul?

Do you even know what the fuck that means? It means I don't have any fucking friends. It means I buried my wants and needs so far don't I can't see them anymore. It means I put others in front if myself. It means I do what I'm fucking told, not because I'm ok with not being in control, but because I have to. It means my hands are tied and at the same time, I'm the one who feeds the dogs, drives the car, makes the meals, gets you up, brushes your teeth, puts you to sleep and does it over again. I'm only ten. I'm only ten and I'm already an adult. I can count the amount of times I cried but I've lost count of how many times I comforted you. And guess what? It earned me a complement, a fucking complement.

I tried, you know I did.

I tried to do everything. I was there, even when you weren't. I was hungry when the dinner was burnt. I was restless, when you were half asleep and you don't remember any of these things.

And you're not gone, I just got away. You're not gone, but my dad still asks me why I'm not ok.

You're not gone, but you're still not here, or anywhere.

My dad just asked me why I'm upset.

It used to me my brother who I spoke up for instead.

And now when I need him his will has flown away.

My voice has shut up inside.

I can't handle this anyway.

It's not ok.

It's not ok

It's not ok

It's not ok

You asked me why I'm different now,

why I'm not ok.

I could name a million reasons but that doesn't make it change.

And, I know you want to help me but that doesn't make me sane.

I'm not ok

I'm not ok

I'm not ok

You want to know me then forget me half the time.

You say you want me happy but that doesn't mean you try.

I told you the problem is but you just said I lied

And I try

And again I try

I try to be hopeful

I try to be good

I try to be different

because you think I should

But I'm not so different

and I'm not alright

I still have satan whispering by my side

I wish to hope

I wish to try

but that old soul says it's time to die

Do you know what it holds?

Do you know what it means?

Do you think you owe me an apology?

Do you think that someday I'll be alright?

Do you think I'll make it through the night?

Do you know what's holy?

Do you know what's true?

Did you know I've always been afraid of you?

Afraid you're broken, afraid you'd cry, no matter how hard it is I try

my old soul

is dead inside

yet I'll always be by your side

by your side