Psychopath
I see a knife blade pull accross the table toward me. I imagined its bloody side soaking my throat in new found glee. "No... " I whisper, but it's too late. I close my eyes and see the bodies of cell mates scattered and torn. "Don't... " but it did. I hear a scraping. It sends shivers up my spine. I open my eyes. My hand trembles, poised above my wrist. "Don't..." I whisper, but it does. I am the last one to die. At least I deserved it.
I pull the blade accross my wrist. I wince, but before I can turn back the blade is in my other hand and coming toward my uncut artery. I feel a sense of warmth dripping down through my finger tips. Losing control, this second cut is not as clean. It becomes a twisting stab as my arms start failing. I end the night with one question echoing in my head: what went wrong? It doesn't matter any longer. I'm gone.
Meditations
Ok, so recently I told one of my friends that I meditate every night. They opened up their eyes like hot air balloons and jumped up and down in excitement. "Wait, you meditate? How did I not know this? That is amazing!" They said, and immediately, I regretted mentioning anything. I don't meditate because I want people to think I'm cool. It isn't something I do to achieve my best life style or be "at peace with myself." Its something I do because I have no other choice. This is my way of stopping myself from obsessing over murdering some one as I go to bed. I learned breathing exercises so I could calm down at school instead of breaking down. I did all this because I have to. I did all this because I wanted a life that wasn't me convincing myself I still deserved to live. I do these things because they have proven to be the most effective measure against every horror the world has to offer. Reducing it to anything except that is just cruel. I didn't do it to please you. I didn't even do it to please myself. I did it because it brought me some peace. I did it because after years of drugs nothing seemed to work. I did it because there was no end to the madness in my head. I did it because I had no where else to turn. I do it still because it keeps me sane. I do it still because it taught me to focus my attention on a sound so annoying I can barely think. It taught me to make that sound my entire reality. The whirring of a machine becomes the vast intricacies of the cosmos. The ticking of a clock becomes the fabric of time, set in motion by mortal hands. Then, before I know it my head isn't spinning. My thoughts, if not whole, are just a little bit clearer than when I left and the everything makes sense. For one fucking second it makes sense.
The voices in my head keep talking. The conversations among my peers keep going. I look up and I am among yet distant. I am not outcast and yet I will never be a part of the group. I'm different. I spent years learning breathing techniques so I could survive a single day at school, only to go to bed at night and do everything I can to learn something more, something permanent. At the same time, I know I could never be happy with ordinary. No matter how many years I spend learning to fit in I will still be me. And, that will never be enough, not even for me. So I keep going, hoping that one day I will be ok with not being perfect, but simply existing and knowing, that that is enough.
Hearing voices
I was in the worst place of my life when I was around eleven. It was horrible. Now, whenever I get down, I start hearing voices. It is how I know to get help. When the voices start answering I start to tell the truth.
Today I noticed the voices. They are kind and respectful (mostly). I think I am more ok with it now. It doesn't freak me out anymore. I started talking to a tree. He told me to go inside and stop singing. Apparently he doesn't appreciate my singing. Anyway, I sang one song accompanied by my ukulele but he was still annoyed. So, I put my instrument to rest and went inside. The next set of voices I heard were in answer to me telling my own mind to stop thinking. A very calm voice, almost like a wiseman (except it was a woman) said something. I can't remember it now. I just remember it that it seemed to come from long days of knowledge and made everything make sense.
It used to make me worried, the voices. Yet, looking back, they haven't done anything harmful to me. The only voice that has ever done that is my own; that may be the most concerning thing of all.
In conclusion, I think the voices are different now. I like them. They start singing songs and tell me if I forget something. Interestingly enough, I have no idea where they came from but I hope they stay. I like them, they keep me company even when I want to run away.
Wandering
I can't breath, can't break
can't be controlled but I'm burning at the stake.
Pull me free, gods above, swirl me tonight and fill me with your love.
Thank me for my gracious gifts
and give things back as you see fit.
Wandering wander over the skies. Bring me blessing when you come by.
Store me honey in your pot of gold.
Bring me treasures and fortunes untold
bring me, burn me, burn me here and I will be with Hell my dear
Complaint about midgaurd
Fuck! It's eighty degrees outside. It shouldn't be that hot this time of the year. It's fall! We have acorns, leaves and halloween.
Yes, I know I live in Midgaurd and yes, I know Midgaurd is beautifully warm and always has been but I want it to be crisp and clear for one single morning, then we can be done; I'll be happy. But, no! No! Instead we have eighty degree weather and a snow storm. Fucking whether! Whatever norns are controlling this need to step down! And if its the frost giants... by Thor's hammer I'll have their heads.
I’m gone
I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going without something being fixed. I can't keep moving without something breaking inside. I can't keep ignoring how hard I tried.
I tried so hard to make this work. I'm tired and lost and my hope is all gone. The righteous anger that once burned so fiercely in my veins is dead. I can't remember anyone outside of the bubble of imagination. I can't leave this disassociation. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the grayness of my own creation and I can't get out. I can't get out... I've tried. I've failed. I can't remember where... where's the door? I can't remember anymore. I'm gone.
Dancing on All Hallows’ Eve
Leaves falling fast
Summer's gone, we must dash
Bring your friends and hide your stash
Set a'drift and hoist your mast
Winter's nigh, the fire's cast
Snow is falling in a flash
Teeth of wolves begin to gnash
Halloween's begun at last
Fairies, globlins gather near
Its time to fill these woods with fear
Twisting, whisling, dancing rain
Thunder fills the woods with pain
Witches, its time to cast your sphear
Hide and fear, the ghosts are here