Blood on my hands

You don't realize how scary it is to see your own blood on your hands and know that you put it there until it happens. Until, you're looking at your hands and no matter how many times you touch your face they always come away covered in red. You know you put that cut there. You know you dug your fingernails under your skin. You know you've done it a million times before. It's an addiction you can't stop. So, you touch your face again. Your finger comes away red. You take a deep breath, get out your phone, flip the camera to selfie mode and wipe it away as best you can. Your friends can't know. Your family can't know. You have to keep it hidden but your head is faint, your arms have scars you don't remember putting there and you don't know if its ever going to end. This is fear. This is what it means to have lost control. To not know. To never know. And, to never be able to tell.