Forgive me Father, for I DON’T CARE.

The heat came rushing to my face, as Jamie’s words registered in my mind. Each word causing my internal temperature to raise more and more with anger.

“Forgiveness isn’t for them… it’s for you”, she said.

I very carefully tried my hardest to choose my words, “Bullshit”, I replied.

That was the best response I could give. Less is more, especially when you want to verbally wreak havoc on another.

“Alora! You hold grudges and it does nothing but create hate in your heart. You need god or something, people like you Are selfish. Sometimes you don’t realize how cold you act. The sad part is everyone notices, except you. Let it go already… and move on. Clearly he needs help in more ways than one. Nobody denies that”, she preached on. Bc

I threw my hands in the air and for a moment, I was speechless. How dare she say anything about forgiving him. I walked to the opposite side of the kitchen in an attempt to put space between us.

This was it.

I slammed my hand onto the table, “You have no idea the hell that I went through. The mental and physical torture. The emotional and even sexual abuse that Camron put me through. For years I dealt with it because I was scared shitless, as he threatened me and the closest people to me!”

As Jamie was about to speak, I couldn’t help but cut her off.

“He destroyed me. I will never be the same. Do you understand that?”

“We get it”, she claimed.

She continued on and all I could do was stand there silently, as her voice began to sound like static in the background. I felt my hands starting to sweat, as I ran them through my hair with the urge to pull it all out. She doesn’t get it. Nobody gets it.

“Are you even listening to me? You keep me in the worst spot knowing that I’m friends with Camron’s sister”, she yelled at me.

I grabbed my coat, took my keys and proceeded out the door, silently. By the time I sat down in my car, my phone was vibrating in my pocket.

Driving home, the tears cascaded down my face like Niagara Falls.

“I’m allowed to feel this way”, I yelled within my car.

I pulled the car into my driveway and took the keys out of the ignition. I have no energy to go into the house.

I grabbed the phone and began texting Jamie. Despite not owing anyone an explanation, Im going to the explain this for the last time.

“Your friendship with Cassie, has nothing to do with the way I feel about her brother... and if it does, then you and Cassie have a bizarre friendship. My forgiveness has nothing to do with anybody except myself. I was abused in every way you could imagine. It took years for me to get away from Cameron. I was controlled; the way I spoke, what I could and couldn’t do, from the clothes I wore to being, secluded and used. I had no control over anything for years. Now I have control over everything and I control if and when I want to forgive somebody and if I don’t want to, that doesn’t mean I’m bitter. That means I have the power to make my own fucking decisions, and not forgiving somebody who doesn’t deserve it, makes me feel better than you can ever imagine.”

As quick as I sent that text message, I threw my phone onto the passenger seat. I sat there in silence, not getting out of my car.

However, it’s feels so damn good to know that I will never be that impressionable again.

“Forgiveness… they can shove that”, I whispered to myself while getting out of my car with a smile.