Forgiveness

I will never forgive myself for the death of my sister. No matter how many people tell me it wasn’t my fault, no matter how many people tell me I must’ve been insane with emotions at that time. I knew what I was doing when my hands pushed her head underwater. My conscience knew that I was doing something wrong when I held her head under until she stopped thrashing. Until she was dead. I knew what I did was wrong the moment I did it. I consciously left her body there, willing someone to find it and connect me to the crime. I killed my sister on purpose.

After I drowned her in the bath, I walked calmly back to my room and sat on my bed until the police came to arrest me. Put up no fight as they handcuffed me and led me to a police cruiser. Sat calmly in the backseat as my mother cried on our driveway, losing both her children forever. Spilled my guts in an interrogation room without emotion. Watched as they registered my words, disgust written all over their faces. Struggled to get my head above the waves of guilt washing over me.

I said nothing when a lawyer walked into the room, claiming she was going to help me. Didn’t listen after she said the words not guilty. I knew I was guilty beyond reasonable doubt. That’s the only thing the jury needed to know. That’s the only thing the newscasters needed to know. That’s the only thing the world needed to know.

I was guilty.

I will never forgive myself for the death of my sister. So I sit here and wonder what life would be like if I had been charged as guilty during the trial. What life would be like if the jury had not pitied me for being young. What life would have been like if I had been in jail. What life would have been like if I hadn’t drowned my sister.

I will never forgive myself for the death of my sister. So I sit here and wonder what life would have been like if I hadn’t existed. Wonder what life will be like after I let go. After I swallow. After I bleed out. After my lungs stop working. After the noose finally tightens around my neck. After I die.

I think these thoughts as I look at the night sky. I think these thoughts as I straddle the line between death and life. As I sit with my legs dangling in the swimming pool of our apartment building. I think these thoughts as the pills force their way down my throat. I think these things as I slip into the pool. I think these thoughts as my head goes under. I think these thoughts as I feel myself slipping away. I think these thoughts as my emotions finally drown me. As I run into the arms of my sister. As I say my final goodbye.