My day has been going amazing so far. I slept through my alarm, burnt my neck while curling my hair, got stuck in traffic on the drive to work, was late, had my boss yell at me, and now I’m stuck on this stupid ass elevator taking a report to some guy on the top floor.

As I said, I’m having an amazing day.

Not to mention there are 7 other people in here, standing in awkward silence. The elevator slows to a stop 5 floors before the top. I suppress a groan. The doors open, revealing a man in a suit. He looks like every other man in this building. He gets on, the doors close, and the elevator starts moving again. We’re three floors from the top when the elevator stops again.

Holy cow this is taking forever. This time when the doors open, it shows an attractive man. His suit is impeccable, not a speck of dust on it. His golden hair falls into perfect waves while his hazel eyes seem to glow in the light. Everyone in the elevator straightens. We all know who this man is.

Elliot Barnes. Heir to Barnes & Co. His dad is the owner of Barnes & Co. His dad is our boss. Elliot has a bit of a reputation here at the company. It is said he slept with his father’s secretary and his father killed her because of it. He’s known as a player, dangerously attractive but with a heart of stone. All the women want to be with him and all the men want to be him.

He steps onto the elevator and the atmosphere shifts. The dull feeling is exchanged with one similar to electricity. I feel my body fill with dread. One bad word about me to his father and I’ll be gone by the end of the day.

There’s something nagging at me, but I brush it off as just forgetting something at home. The elevator doors close and we move upwards.

Two floors from the top.

One floor from the top.

BAM.

The elevator stops suddenly, throwing us all off balance. Once everyone regains their balance, we look around to try and see what caused the commotion. In front of the elevator door stands Elliot, calmly smiling, hand still outstretched towards the emergency stop button. The same nagging feeling returns, this time with a cold rush of fear. A voice screams inside my head to GET OUT! The other 8 people in the elevator are making confused noises but it all fades to the background as Elliot makes eye contact with me and pulls a gun from out of his suit jacket. Still looking at me, he points it at the man next to him and pulls the trigger.

I hear screaming but my attention is on the man, a hole blown through his head, blood gushing out of it. I can smell the sickly sweetness from where I’m standing, on the opposite side of the elevator. I’m still staring at the man when another gunshot rings out. The lady next to me falls, hands going to her stomach, trying to keep the blood from spilling out. My gaze never shifts from the fallen man, even as the gun continues to go off.

1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . 7 . . . 8. 8 shots. 8 bullets. 8 bodies sprawled on the floor of this stupid ass elevator. Maybe if I hadn’t slept through my alarm this wouldn’t have happened.

I finally tear my eyes away from the floor, only to see that Elliot is gone and the gun is in my hand. I look down at it, not registering the movement of the elevator. I slowly bring the gun up to my head, finger on the trigger. The elevator stops moving, somehow reaching the bottom floor. Distantly I remember Elliot getting off on the sixth floor, smiling at me before walking down the hall towards his father’s conference room. The doors slide open, revealing a group of men, including Elliot, his dad, and his closest associates. I don’t know how they got down here so quickly, or if Elliot was even on the elevator in the first place. They stare in shock at the sight before them.

I make eye contact with Elliot. There is a sinister grin on his face, unseen by the men around him. The gleam in his eyes tells me he doesn’t think I will actually pull the trigger. I feel myself smile sadly. Closing my eyes, I pull the trigger.

Bang.

I feel myself fall

D

O

W

N.

I sit up quickly, panting. What kind of nightmare was that? I swallow shakily. I look over at my bedside clock. Crap, I slept through my alarm. I jump out of bed and start getting ready for the day. Hopefully the traffic isn’t too bad. This is turning out to be just an amazing day.

I will never forgive myself for the death of my sister. No matter how many people tell me it wasn’t my fault, no matter how many people tell me I must’ve been insane with emotions at that time. I knew what I was doing when my hands pushed her head underwater. My conscience knew that I was doing something wrong when I held her head under until she stopped thrashing. Until she was dead. I knew what I did was wrong the moment I did it. I consciously left her body there, willing someone to find it and connect me to the crime. I killed my sister on purpose.

After I drowned her in the bath, I walked calmly back to my room and sat on my bed until the police came to arrest me. Put up no fight as they handcuffed me and led me to a police cruiser. Sat calmly in the backseat as my mother cried on our driveway, losing both her children forever. Spilled my guts in an interrogation room without emotion. Watched as they registered my words, disgust written all over their faces. Struggled to get my head above the waves of guilt washing over me.

I said nothing when a lawyer walked into the room, claiming she was going to help me. Didn’t listen after she said the words not guilty. I knew I was guilty beyond reasonable doubt. That’s the only thing the jury needed to know. That’s the only thing the newscasters needed to know. That’s the only thing the world needed to know.

I was guilty.

I will never forgive myself for the death of my sister. So I sit here and wonder what life would be like if I had been charged as guilty during the trial. What life would be like if the jury had not pitied me for being young. What life would have been like if I had been in jail. What life would have been like if I hadn’t drowned my sister.

I will never forgive myself for the death of my sister. So I sit here and wonder what life would have been like if I hadn’t existed. Wonder what life will be like after I let go. After I swallow. After I bleed out. After my lungs stop working. After the noose finally tightens around my neck. After I die.

I think these thoughts as I look at the night sky. I think these thoughts as I straddle the line between death and life. As I sit with my legs dangling in the swimming pool of our apartment building. I think these thoughts as the pills force their way down my throat. I think these things as I slip into the pool. I think these thoughts as my head goes under. I think these thoughts as I feel myself slipping away. I think these thoughts as my emotions finally drown me. As I run into the arms of my sister. As I say my final goodbye.

Crazy, that’s what he is. Crazy. He has me tied to a chair in his apartment, a scarf over my eyes and socks shoved in my mouth. I can hear his footsteps, heavy thudding, walking towards me. I know it’s only a matter of time until I’m dead. Until he kills me.

It’s crazy to think just yesterday we were sitting at the dinner table, eating our Thanksgiving meal with family. I thought something felt off but ignored it. If I hadn’t, would I still be in this situation? I feel his hands reach behind my head, untying the scarf then taking the socks out of my mouth. I blink away the darkness and the sight hits me like a freight train.

I knew. I knew who kidnapped me. It wasn’t hard to guess. Still, seeing him, my best friend, my everything, my brother . . . It was hard to stop the tears that started to slide down my cheeks.

“Why?”

He doesn’t answer, just stands and looks at me. I take in his appearance, the bags under his eyes, the weariness in his posture, the light missing from his eyes. I never thought I would ever see my brother looking like this. His voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

“You guys were forgetting about me.”

What? What is he talking about?

“It’s only a matter of time before you forget me for good.”

I- what is he talking about? He thought we were forgetting about him? Why- oh.

Suddenly his absence at family events made sense. For the past two years, he has

declined any invitation to outings, claiming he has work, and hasn’t shown up to any family events. I feel anger rise up in me.

“What the fuck?” He flinches back from me, eyes widening. “What the actual fuck are you talking about?”

“I- you guys, I haven’t-”

“No. Don’t pin the blame on someone else. You didn’t show up at any family events. We weren’t forgetting about you, you just refused to show up! Do not blame anyone else for something you did all on your own.” I watch as his body tenses, not sure what to expect. He takes a breath, body untensing. A smile creeps onto his face. Goosebumps chase their way across my skin. This wasn’t the kind, loving brother I knew. This was someone else entirely, cold and cruel.

“You’ll remember me whether you want to or not.” He pulls a gun from his waistband and presses it to his temple. My mouth goes dry. He’s not going to kill me, he’s going to kill himself.

My tears come back with a vengeance, streaming down my face in waves. If it wasn’t for the ropes tying me to the chair, I would be able to do something. I watch in horror as his finger toys with the trigger, riding the line between life and death. He finally rests his finger on the trigger and looks at me, grinning ear to ear.

“Love you.” His tone is cold, not an ounce of love in it. He pulls the trigger.

BANG!

I can hear myself screaming. Parts of his brain spatter onto me. His body seems to fall in slow motion. The gun clatters out of his hand after it goes limp. I gag, trying not to look at his head. The smell of blood is cloying, seeping into my skin and tainting me with its sickly sweetness. I sob loudly, trembling from the shock.

I don’t know how long I sit there, tied to the chair.

“Shut up,” I say teasingly, rolling my eyes at his antics. He raises an eyebrow and smirks.

“How about you make me?” He glances down at my lips and I can feel my face turning red. I turn away from him. Things like this have been happening more often and I can’t stop myself from imagining what would happen if I let the situation escalate. I push it from my mind as I focus back on our work.

“Anyways, I was thinking that for the presentation we could . . .” I stop mid sentence as I feel his body press up against my back.

“Annalise,” he whispers into my ear, making me shiver. I turn so that we’re face to face, only inches apart.

“Kaiden what-“ I start to ask but I freeze when I feel his hands grab my waist. He pulls me to him and my mind goes blank. He looks down at me, eyes dark. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. He leans closer to me and our lips brush together. My stomach flutters and I bring my hands up to his shoulders. Before I can fully connect our lips, he pulls away.

“Annalise I’m so sorry I should’ve asked you please just forget that happened I’m so-” I cut him off by leaning up onto my tiptoes and kissing him. He stands still for a moment before kissing me back, wrapping his arms around my waist and carrying me over to my bed. He breaks the kiss to gently set me down. He climbs on top of me and is about to kiss me again when I hear footsteps walking towards my room. I push Kaiden off of me and onto the floor right before my mom opens the door.

“Hi mom!”

“Hello Mrs. Owens.”

“Hello kids, is everything going okay up here?”

“Yeah mom, everything’s good,” I say, trying not to laugh. Kaiden is laying on the ground, grimacing.

“Are you okay Kaiden?” my mom asks, “Why are you on the floor?”

“That’s a really good question Mrs. Owens,” he grits out, looking at me in annoyance. I try not to giggle as my mom looks at him in concern.

“He’s ok, don’t worry. We’re all good up here!”

“If you say so. I wanted to let you know that Dad will be home soon for dinner. If you want to stay to eat Kaiden, you are more than welcome.”

He sits up and smiles politely, “That would be great! I’ll text my parents.”

My mom smiles before leaving, closing the door behind her. As soon as she’s gone I burst out into laughter.

“Haha, very funny.”

“I . . . can’t . . . breathe!” I choke out between giggles. He stands up, wincing, which makes me laugh even harder. He comes to sit on the bed next to me.

“Are you done laughing at me yet?” he asks, trying to keep a straight face. I wipe my eyes, breathing deeply.

“Just about.”

He rolls his eyes at me and flicks me on the forehead. I pout at him and he smiles at me. Before long we’re both sitting, looking at each other in silence. I think back to everything that has happened today and part of it feels surreal. I sigh and flop backwards, looking up at the ceiling. He does the same next to me.

“What does this make us?” I ask, turning to look at him only to find him already looking at me.

“What do you mean?” he asks with faux innocence. I smack his arm and he smiles. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

I turn to look at him, a little in shock. “For real?”

“No, I just kiss all my friends for funsies,” he says sarcastically, “Yes for real.”

I roll my eyes at his response before leaning forward and kissing him again.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

The memory fades as I open my eyes, smiling slightly. I roll over in bed to check the time. I’ve only been asleep for an hour, son of a biscuit. I scrub my face with my hands and groan. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while. I can’t seem to remember why. I’m sure it’ll go back to normal soon. I think about texting Kaiden before remembering he’s already asleep, probably. Hopefully. I want him to get enough sleep. I fall asleep to the thought of Kaiden’s promise to pick me up for school tomorrow.

When I wake again, it’s 4 in the morning. Something’s been nagging me about Kaiden but I can’t seem to remember what. I’m sure I’ll remember it by the morning so I can text him about it. I fall asleep to the thought of Kaiden’s promise to pick me up for school today.

The third time I wake up, it’s finally 6. Getting out of bed, I debate texting Kaiden. Part of me is telling me I should but a larger part is telling me not to. Weird. I decide against it and start getting ready. My thoughts are filled with my plans for the day. First, Kaiden is going to pick me up for school, we’ll go to school, and then we’re going on a date afterwards. I’m so excited. Before I know it, I’m dressed and ready to go to school. When I walk downstairs, both my parents look at me in shock.

“You’re going to school?” my mom asks. I nod, walking over to the pantry and grabbing some bread to make toast.

“Kaiden’s picking me up for school today!” I claim joyfully, missing the tears welling up in my mom’s eyes.

It feels like it takes forever for my toast to cook but eventually it pops up and I slather it in butter. Checking the time, I see it’s already 7. I rush out the door, calling out a “Goodbye!” to my parents.

When I get outside, I notice that Kaiden isn’t here yet. Normally he’s here even earlier. Maybe he just slept in, I convince myself, pushing down the dread in my stomach. I sit down on the porch step, hugging my knees to my chest. He’ll be here soon.

7:05

7:10

Maybe the traffic’s really bad.

7:15

7:20

7:30

7:40

7:50

School’s already started by now.

8:00

8:30

9:00

10:00

11:00

12:00

1:00

2:00

3:00

3:30 is when I finally break. Crying into my arms, I remember everything. Kaiden. Picking me up for school. His car. The truck driver. The phone call. Everything.

3:32 is when my mom comes out onto the porch, sitting next to me and wrapping her arm around my shoulders.

3:33 is when my dad joins us, sitting on the other side of me. He strokes my hair as I sob, whispering comforting words as my sobs start to turn into screams.

3:37 is when we finally go inside, after my crying subsides slightly. When my mom sits me down on the couch and explains that she’s going to take me to a psychiatrist.

4:57 when the psychiatrist tells me I have a mental illness. A dissociative disorder, she says. Caused by a traumatic event and is a way someone tries to suppress memories of it. Dissociative amnesia, she says. I forget important things. Like how Kaiden is dead. And that I’ve done this three mornings in a row without knowing.

And eventually you’ll forget you’ve read this story, about me and Kaiden. Kaiden and me. Two halves of the same whole. Soulmates. Whatever you want to call it. You’ll forget that I existed. You’ll forget about the sad little girl who forgot her boyfriend was dead. You’ll forget about her parents and the pain they had to go through, watching their baby girl do the same thing three mornings in a row, ending with her in tears and a sleepless night of memories.

You’ll forget just like I did.

There is something undeniably beautiful about a rainy day. The clouds slowly darken as they roll in, covering the sky until nothing is left. The smell of petrichor permeates the atmosphere, leaving the feeling of homesickness and longing. Whether you’re in the middle of nowhere or in a big city, when the rain starts pouring you head inside to escape the chill. Rain pounds on windows, against roofs, alerting you to the anguish of the clouds. What is condensation but a buildup of negative emotions; precipitation, an explosion of grief and regret. As the clouds release their torrential downpour, the emotions are swirling inside of you. For some, a longing for the sun; for the childhood they never had, for the life they weren’t able to live, for those they had to leave behind on their journeys. For others, a sense of peace; a happiness in their life as they watch one of nature’s cycles in progress. For when it rains you are reminded that even though your life may someday end, nature is forever. The clouds will continue to cry and people will continue to look out into the rain, allowing their emotions to run free. Because what is more beautiful than a rainy day?